Broken Pride
by Forbiddensoul562
Summary: After shutting himself away from everyone around him, how can he be expected to call out to someone for help after a traumatic experience? Especially when the only person left is his rival? Rape, eventual MelloxNear plz r&r!
1. The Act

A/N: Okay, so I've been reading more and more of these types of stories lately, probably because I like the emotion that needs

A/N: Okay, so I've been reading more and more of these types of stories lately, probably because I like the emotion that needs to go into them. Plus, I like the way they're written. But as I was, I started thinking about how closed up Near is and about what might happen if he just needed to finally crack. Who would he go to? Well, who else? Mello of course! … wow that doesn't seem as obvious as I thought it might.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, sadly. Ugh, it's like they just want to rub salt in the wounds by making us repeat that.

Summary: After shutting himself away from everyone around him, how can he be expected to call out to someone for help after a traumatic experience? Especially when the only person left is his rival? Rape, eventual MelloxNear

Title: Broken Pride

Chapter 1: The Act

Near's P.O.V

Life has become quite repetitive and predictable nowadays. And yet to some degree there is a sense of spontaneous action to them.

So I wasn't surprised when Roger came to my room early in the afternoon and told me that L wished to have a meeting with me. I didn't say anything to him, but simply stood and followed him out of my room and down to the front door where I was to be handed off to Watari who would take me to wherever L was.

Apparently since L wasn't working on any cases at the present time he was staying in England until something came up. I figured that one of the only reasons why L was staying somewhere other than here was because of these little… meetings.

"Good morning, Near." Watari said to me before he turned to Roger and spoke about when L said he expected me to be returning.

When they finished I was led out of the building and into the bracing cold of the late November weather. Snow was beginning to fall from the overcast sky to the ground that was already littered with the white of snow from last night.

I felt more like an object, being traded off from Roger to Watari for the day, and in some sense I suppose I was nothing more than that anymore.

The drive into the city was silent, I sat in the back silently wishing that the car would crash. That some drunken idiot would fly past a red light and hit our car, just so I didn't have to go to this 'meeting'. I didn't even care whether or not I survived such a crash so long as I didn't have to reach our destination.

Unfortunately the car was finally parallel-parked in front of one of the fancier hotels in the city. I vaguely remembered this place from last month. It was one of the first places I had been brought to for these 'meetings'.

I went inside and was led to the elevator; as we stood there waiting I tried not to look at my reflection in the silver doors. I couldn't bear to see the person that would stare back at me.

Because no matter how much my logic said it was me, the better half of my brain told me that wasn't me. I didn't know those hollow, emotionless eyes that were excessively blocking out the rest of the world; or even the white flesh of my face that had somehow grown even whiter over the month. Probably from malnutrition seeing as I had a hard time eating anything nowadays.

I no longer knew the fingers that unconsciously raised and twirled a lock of my white hair between them. They didn't move in the same way they did as I tried to scrutinize over anything at all. Now they simply seemed to perform the action out of habit alone.

Finally the door opened and we walked in. Unless the elevator crashed on our way up there was little that could happen to hinder me from reaching the ultimate destination.

When we reached the fifth floor Watari led me down the long, brightly lit hallway over to a door that had a gold plate on the side that read, '535'.

He knocked lightly on the dark wood door before opening it and leading me into the large room that was void of any lights. I stepped in with Watari and tried not to let my nerves show.

"I've brought, Near as you requested, sir." He said.

I couldn't fight it, I never could, my eye moved on their own over to the darkened couch that sat near the center of the room where a computer emitted the only light within the entire hotel room. I somehow kept myself from stepping back as my eyes landed on him.

L, my idol.

"Thank you Watari, please return back in an hour for him." He said, turning only slightly; not enough for even one of his eyes to be shown.

"Yes." The elder then moved back to the door and left once again.

This left only L and myself within the room. I felt my nerves picking up; my heart slammed in my chest hard enough I was sure my ribs would be bruised.

"How are you doing today, Near?" He asked me.

I stepped forward, knowing he'd want me to sooner or later. "Fine." I said simply. The more I continued to move to where he was the more I finally saw of him.

He looked just as he always did, his black mess of hair sat as it always did with strands before his large, coal black eyes that could be nearly hypnotizing to anyone who hadn't looked into them a hundred times or more. And of course he sat in his normal crouched position.

"That's good to hear." His eyes diverted away from me to the screen before him that displayed the L logo for a long moment before he stood up and turned his gaze back to me.

He walked closer to me and despite what I most wanted I stayed glued in place, knowing that if I made even the slightest of movements it would come back to haunt me later.

His cold, spidery hand reached up, tracing my jaw and my neck as his eyes looked over my entirety with no clear expression on his features; though I could just barely see the look of wanting in his gaze that churned my stomach.

"You haven't said anything to anyone about these meetings, have you?" He asked with his dark eyes meeting my own.

I shook my head effortlessly.

"That's good." He leaned down just enough to touch his lips to my own and held them there for a long moment. Just the feeling of him and knowing in the back of my mind what was coming next sent a wave of nausea through me but I held myself at bay.

He finally pulled back and watched me again for any sort of action, but I couldn't show him anything without risking him seeing the disgust I felt.

"Come with me." He ordered, then leaving where he had been standing in front of me in order to walk to the only door in the hotel room; to a bedroom no doubt.

I followed like I was told, feeling my heart accelerate once again as he closed the door. I faintly heard the sound of the lock being turned into place.

I stood by the side of the bed, in the place I knew he'd want me out. He walked over to me and again pressed his lips to mine; this time with more force behind them.

My eyes squeezed shut as I was forced down on my back on the mattress and he climbed over me. The whole time he never ceased the firm kiss, his tongue forced its way past my lips without any fight on my part and urged my own tongue into participation.

I tried to lay as numb and lifeless as I could and still make him think I was trying to please him.

The feeling of him over me, the taste of his tongue against mine and feeling his hands press against my body made me want to be sick. I wanted nothing more than to escape this situation any way I could, but there was no way I could.

Suddenly he pulled back and before I could even force my eyes open his hand slapped me hard across the face, "do you want to be my successor or not, Near?" He asked forcefully. His ability to keep his voice firm and leveled without shouting made him even more frightening to me, minus the deadly look that had consumed him.

"Yes." I said barely over a whisper.

"Then I suggest you work harder for it. From what you're showing me now you must not want it that badly."

"I do." I said, my eyes closing once again.

"Prove it." He was closer to me this time.

I felt so disgusted with myself, even now, as I forced myself up to press my lips to his and moved more into the touch of his hands that were still on my covered flesh.

The worst hadn't even come yet and I already wanted to gag. Why, oh why did my desire to be L's successor have to prevent me from even looking for any way to escape?

After a few moments he took control once again, shoving his tongue inside my mouth again till it was nearly down my throat. Then he moved away, pressing forceful kisses to my jaw then down to my neck as his hands worked on my shirt.

The buttons must have gotten old quickly as his hands suddenly ripped it open. I heard a few of the plastic buttons hit the wall and fall to the floor. Great, another shirt destroyed.

But as his hands forcefully pressed against my chest and moved down to the brim of my pants I soon forgot all of that. L's mouth continued to ravage my neck, his teeth biting at my skin hard enough to draw out a mark and his tongue rubbing forcefully over it in order to make it more noticeable.

He then moved his lips down my chest as his hands toyed with the elastic of my pants, his tongue moving to my left nipple. My eyes clenched closed, hands grasping onto the material of the bedspread in order to hold back the groan unwillingly brought up.

His teeth bit down and I let out a small cry of pain.

"Don't pretend like you don't like this."

I didn't, I hated it, I hated the disgusting feeling his touch left on my body and the nausea he left inside of me.

I felt tears form at the corner of my eyes but I remained silent even still.

L paused only momentarily, "fine," he said, "I'll make you enjoy it."

In the next moment the remainder of my clothes were ripped away from me and I lay motionless on the mattress, too paralyzed by disgust to do anything but watch as he lowered his own pants.

He lowered himself to me, and before I could look down to see what he was doing he took my length into his mouth whole, his tongue moving up and down my shaft as he moved. I forced myself to let out a single moan for him, idealistically hoping it'd be enough to convince him I enjoyed this.

It wasn't that hard to get myself erect, even after the month and a half of these actions my body still isn't convinced that I'm disgusted, and revolted by these actions like my mind is. It still responds to touch as though its wanted despite the reality of the situation.

So when his unwelcomed mouth was replaced by his hand that continued pumping me and he moved back up to me, his lips pressing to mine within a few moments my body somehow found the ability to come. Another moan broke from my lips as I did and the tears finally fell from my closed eyes.

He spared no time and said nothing to me as he continued to kiss me and yet pushed my legs farther open and moved his fingers to my entrance, "n-no!" I tried, breaking away from him.

"Shut up, Near, you had your chance to have this easy." He told me before kissing down to the side of my neck that didn't already have a mark on it.

A sudden finger penetrated into me and a pained scream escaped my lips as a fire erupted through me. It hurt every time he did this; I knew it was because I fought it so much but there was no way to make myself relax in this situation.

To my scream he inserted another two fingers and moved them, only drawing out another pained scream from me, the tears streaming down my cheeks now. I hated letting them fall and showing him what he did to me, but like making myself relax it was impossible to fight them.

He cut my off by locking our lips once, "if you scream I'll make this even more painful." He promised. I could only guess at what he was thinking this time: hitting me? Cutting me with a hidden blade? The list only went on.

Yet somehow I forced myself silent as he withdrew his fingers from me. He moved my legs to give himself better access then looked back at me after breaking our lips. The fire and deviance in his eyes churned my stomach and made me want to look away. It made me wish I was nowhere near here. Anywhere else was better than here. I would even take Hell over this.

The feeling of him pushing inside of me, none too slowly, was what brought me back to this awful reality. My hands clenched onto the bed sheets even tighter, till I swore I was cutting through the fabric and into my own hands.

The fire of pain grew exponentially, I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood but forced out another moan to hold back the scream. It hurt so badly…

He gave me no time to adjust to him, just began thrusting into me time and time again and each time I held back the different feelings inside me. Part of me wanted to hurl, another part wanted me to scream in pain, the other part told me to give in to the pleasure my body felt. It convinced me that it was the only source of pleasure I would ever get, no matter how unwanted it was. That part told me that no one would ever want me now, not after this.

The stream of tears broke into a flood from a mixture of all the parts and my sight was blurred from the tears.

L's thrusts slowed down for a moment and he leaned down closer to me, his voice in a firm murmur, "tell me what I want to hear."

My eyes squeezed shut, "L…" It was so humiliating, I hated having to plead for something I didn't want.

"Tell me what you want." I could just imagine the deviant grin on his face as he spoke.

"Please." I arched myself up to him, rubbing myself against him.

He barely chuckled before his hand took me again and brought me back to full erect. "You're so desperate, Near."

I didn't say anything, just felt as his hand and his thrusts moved more and more in synch and I was forced to moan for his own pleasures. With one final forced moan that was mixed with a scream I felt myself come first in his hand and him follow after inside me.

He was still; I listened as he breathed hard for a moment before leaning down to me. His lips moved to my jaw and then pressed once to my lips.

He pulled out of me finally and redressed himself. "Stay here if you want, I'll call Watari to come get you." He said. But then as he turned to leave he suddenly looked back at me, "oh, get one of the shirts from the dresser to replace yours." Then he left.

I didn't want to stay in this room, it felt and smelled of our actions now. But I also didn't want to be in the same room as L, it would only provoke him into taking advantage of me again.

So I lie there motionless on the bed, finding the strength to only pull myself up to redress as best I could, reluctantly taking one of his shirts from the dresser; then let myself sit on the side of the bed and once again lapsing back into complete stillness and silence.

I felt disgusting; all I wanted was a shower to try and get rid of this sickening feeling that was consuming me. But this routine had been going on for a month and a half and not once had I ever come close to ever getting the feeling off of me, no matter how many showers I took, so I doubted this one would be any different.

I reluctantly sat and waited, trying not to let myself know that this same thing would happen again in only a couple of days.

A/N: Ugh, that was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be. Being a L fan and a Near fan, and making L rape Near… it just doesn't fit. But I'm also a NearxMello fan so I need it to work I guess. I was writing it going, 'this is so not like L' but I knew there wasn't much else I could do to change it. Yeah, so it didn't help that this is the first lemon for this category I've ever written. (Definitely not the first I thought about though).

Anyway, next chapter soon!

Please review!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	2. Pain

A/N: Ah, I'm so relieved, this chapter is going to be so much easier. This chapter was originally supposed to go on the last one, but because the last chapter ended up being seven pages I decided to just give it it's own chapter. So yeah, this one may be a bit shorter than the last chapter. Just a warning, the one after it will be longer. THANKS TO ALL THAT REVIEWED! You're all amazing!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. Please excuse me while I go cry in a corner now…

Note: Ok, I'm not sure what the understood idea about putting 'so-and-so' P.O.V for stories that are longer than one chapter is so I'm just not going to for the duration of this story. For the record, the entire story is being told in Near's P.O.V!

Chapter 2: Pain

It didn't take long for Watari to return from wherever he had sent himself to, and was now here to return me back to Wammy's House.

I was relieved when I heard his quiet knocks on the door and instantly stood up and exited from the room.

L had called him in and again he stood at the doorway while L was once again sitting back on the couch looking over some old case notes from what I could see.

"Near." His voice suddenly stopped me from where I had begun heading to Watari. I barely turned back to him, looking only enough to find him turned towards me. "Remember, everything we discussed here is a secret." He brought his thumb up to his lips.

I nodded once.

"Right, then, I'll see you in a couple of days."

His words made my heart clench in my chest. There was nothing at all that I wanted less than coming back here. But nonetheless I nodded my head in understanding and then was led out of the dark hotel room and into the brightly lit hall once again.

I thought of nothing as we walked; not a single specific thing crossed my mind the entire time. I was still too numb from the event that had just occurred.

But then as I began to think more into that feeling, or lack thereof, we reached those horrible silver doors of the elevator.

Once again I couldn't fight the urge to look up at my reflection. To anyone else I looked exactly the same, no feelings crossing my features, nothing held in my eyes, lack of emotion in any of my actions. I looked normal.

Maybe that's why L chose me to commit these acts on instead of someone like Mello, or anyone else for that matter.

Because unlike Mello, who shows his emotions in everything he does and acts on them at all times I am void of it all. And thus it would not be obvious when I simply became more reclusive whereas anyone would notice if someone as loud as Mello suddenly shut down.

But this feeling… this feeling of absolutely nothing had consumed me entirely for the last month and a half. There wasn't a single moment in that span of time where I could even imagine thinking of anything else.

What if I never came out of it?

Sure, I was usually emotionless on the outside but it didn't necessarily mean I was entirely ready to give up the thing that made me human. (I pushed the wonder of whether or not I was even human anymore to the back of my mind to ponder over later.)

As the doors of the elevator finally opened we silently stepped in and I began to wonder to myself how exactly I could ensure that I kept a good hold over my ability to still feel emotions while not entirely breaking out of my reclusive shell just for this experiment.

When we entered out into the lobby I was beginning to feel that I was at a loss; that there wouldn't be a way to test it out and that I was destined to simply allow this feeling of nothing and numbness to overtake me.

What would be so bad about it anyway? It would provide me the ability to focus fully on anything I'm working on without the hassle of having to deal with the emotions that obviously hindered Mello from becoming the number one candidate to succeed L.

Perhaps the bad side would be the fact that it would only further the idea that I no longer even feel like a human being. It's like I'm more of a tool for people to use for their own goals rather than a human being.

Roger and everyone as Wammy's use me in the hopes that I may become the next L.

Once I do become the next L the police will use me to solve their difficult cases.

Even my only idol, L, uses me for his own sick pleasures.

It seems as though they are using my lack of social and life skills as a way to build me into what they want in order to get everything they need out of me.

I didn't even want to try and think about what they might do once they've extracted everything they want from me.

-

The ride back to Wammy's was a silent one, and one that gave me a bit of time to reflect on the thoughts I had been having concerning everyone and what they seemed to be doing.

And the conclusion I came up with: there was absolutely nothing I could do against it.

What reason would I have for fighting against any of it? After they had taken me in, given me a life (if you could call this a 'life' anymore) and given me something worth fighting to achieve I suppose the least I could do was do as they ask me.

I really am just a tool…

When we reached the orphanage once again it was still snowing out and unbelievably cold, increased by my lack of winter-wear I had on.

I made my way to the front door by myself and entered in without hesitation. I would rather be surrounded by the other orphans, despite their constant loud nature, than be left alone out in the merciless winter cold.

I had barely stepped inside when I noticed the presence waiting by the door.

"So, back from that meeting with L so soon?" Mello asked from where he leaned against the wall. I watched as he took a bite off of a chocolate bar before pocketing it. I suddenly got an idea.

"Yes." I simply replied.

"How come he only requests meetings with you? It's not like you're really better than me! I work a hell of a lot harder than you; that should count for something." I stood in the doorway as he went on, waiting for the right moment.

When he finally went silent, more than likely waiting for me to make some kind of comment, I decided it was a better time than any.

"He requests the meetings with me because he knows that I am the better candidate to succeed him than you." I said, "he knows that because I'm not as reckless as you I am best fit for the position. I would not make a stupid mistake during a case, unlike you."

I could see the anger rising to his surface; this was perfect, "Near." He tried through clenched teeth. I had to give the blonde credit, his self-control had certainly improved.

Though that could just be from the fear of getting his beloved chocolate taken away; it certainly did make sense.

"You'll never even have the hopes of surpassing me, let alone L, if you continue down the path you are now. You simply look like a fool attempting in vain."

I spotted a group of kids coming down the hall towards us. Wonderful, now all he needs is a certain something to push him over the edge.

I looked away as though I was about to walk away when I suddenly looked back at him and allowed our eyes to lock, "oh, and your chocolate addiction is disgusting, quite frankly."

His eyes locked on me and he drew back, suddenly throwing his fist at me. I saw it coming and allowed it to slam into the side of my face with enough force to throw me to the ground.

Perfect… this is exactly what I wanted. I finally felt something. Pain welled up on the area he had hit me; relief washed over my revolting self, anger flashed through me that was determined to get back at Mello.

But I couldn't, and I wouldn't, I had gotten him into enough trouble for one day. And for my own test, no less.

"Mello, what are you doing now!" One of the girls from the group who had walked up shouted to him.

I looked up just in time to watch Mello come to the realization of what I had done, minus the reason behind my actions.

"He provoked me!" He shouted

"What are you talking about, Mello, he wasn't doing anything more than just standing there. We all saw." She said.

His eyes, filled with a fire of hate now, moved back to me. "You bastard!" He suddenly grabbed me from the floor by the collar of the shirt I was wearing and threw me painfully against the wall.

He didn't even realize he was only helping what I had wanted. A new emotion, fear, filled me.

"You know you provoked me! What the hell was the point? To show that you're better than me? Because you're not!" He shouted; I was surprised that we didn't have a full-fledged audience by now from all the noise being made.

"You're right." I said, barely over a whisper so the others wouldn't hear. "I did provoke you." If he understood the situation I would have told him that he was right that he was better than me as well.

I couldn't think of anyone, living or dead, that I found wasn't better than me.

"Tell them that! Or is it just your goal to get me in trouble today?" His tone had come down to a firm, demanding tone.

"No, I won't. And it was not my goal to get you in trouble either. You already completed my goal for today." I struggled against him as best I could till he finally got the idea and let me go.

I stood and walked past his stunned form; I wasn't sure whether he understood what exactly I meant or not. "Thank you, Mello."

A/N: Like I said, shorter than the last chapter. Honestly, I had the idea to continue this till after Near takes his shower and is up in his room where Mello is forced to apologize to him, but with all of the explaining I'd have to do (because it's Near, and as we've seen he thinks deeply into everything) it'd end up being longer than the previous chapter.

Next chapter will come soon! (Oh, and if they timeline hasn't become obvious yet it will in the next one)

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	3. Relief

A/N: Okay so... kind of a NOTE before reading. Alright the next two chapters are kind of a repeat of the previous two in that KIND of the same thing occurs, but i did this for a reason. I did it this way so that on one hand you could kind of get an idea for the repetativeness of Near's days and second so that it wouldn't feel slightly rushed. So... anyway... that's the note. Now please do read!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, or any of the characters, or any of the places. Hell, I'm not even sure if I can own the dates anymore! Anyway, don't sue me!

Chapter 3: Relief

It was only a few days later that once again life began to repeat itself; I was called by Roger to meet Watari in order to go and see L for another 'meeting'.

As I went to meet him, and even during the entirety of the drive to the new hotel that I knew L would be staying at I tried to force myself further away from the outside world.

I tried to make myself even more unemotional, and numb, to the rest of the world. My hope was that by lacking the ability to feel anything around me it would somehow quell the pain that awaited me in the new hotel room.

It was the beginning of December now; snow fell around the city, coating it in a blanket of soft white.

I used to love the winter time. The look of snow falling all around the orphanage and the city that had become our only world always had an odd calming effect on me.

Snow is the same thing as rain, I understand that, it's simply frozen rain; but in a way, when one doesn't look at it so scientifically the two become very different from the other.

Rain is more violent when it falls, and people don't tend to stay around to feel it fall on them; many times it is accompanied by the frightening sounds of thunder. But snow, its silent and calm the majority of the time. And what's even better is that it only comes once a year, which somehow makes people appreciate it more. (1)

I used to love the snow too.

But because of the recent events I'm not sure I'm even capable of loving anything; even something as simple as the falling snow.

We finally reached the new hotel that was just as fancy as the last one had been and just like every other time Watari led me all the way up to the high floor where L's room was.

-

Then after entering in and announcing that he'd brought me as asked, Watari left my side and I was again alone with my idol.

The silence between us was deafening. There was something on L's mind; I could tell just by the tense silence in the room and the way he hadn't said anything to me at all, not even the simple question of, 'how are you' like normal.

I waited patiently, letting my eyes divert away and the fingers of my right hand come up to twirl a lock of my white hair. Better to get my need for the action out now, I figured, rather than later when my hair, fingers, and the rest of my body is coated in another veil of disgust strong enough that leaves even me wishing I wasn't in my own skin.

Continuing our silence L finally stood up and led me through the hotel room to the bedroom where he proceeded to shut the door. Like the rest of the area none of the lights were on, but unlike the last hotel his laptop rested on the dresser. The screen was black but the blinking buttons showed that it was just on standby.

"Near," he finally said in a monotone voice after moving to sit on the bed, "please come here."

I moved closer to him and sat down beside him, my fingers inconspicuously fidgeted with the white cloth of my button-down pajama top. Being in such close proximity without him touching me, or even looking at me, put me on end.

I suddenly feared what he could possibly have in mind today.

"It's interesting," he said, "I've gotten the chance to look over your file the last couple of days and do you have any idea what I found?"

I shook my head as he moved me, like his own personal doll, till he had me lying on the bed as anyone would do when they lay down for the night. But my eyes followed him as he moved to straddle my hips; his eyes locked with mine.

"I found that you're still the number one candidate to become my successor." He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine; there was an odd gentleness in his actions.

But this wasn't like him, there had to be something more to it. But even so I stayed quiet in order to let him continue.

"But there was something more." Again his lips pressed to mine. Then just as quickly his lips pulled away from mine but he stayed close to my face; his eyes stared into my own and in a way it felt as though he was staring right though.

Then suddenly, before I had time to register it was happening he drew back and slapped me hard across the face, "you've been lying to me." He spat spitefully. "Your scores show an overall decrease. It's nothing dramatic but your scores have been falling one point at a time."

No! That's not true, that can't be true, there's no way! I've been dealing with these 'meetings' lately on top of all of the academics that have been forced on me. I was still scoring higher than everyone else; overall I thought I was doing well considering what I've been living with.

How had I unconsciously let myself fall? How had I let myself fail in the one thing I was best at?

When he struck me again it was enough to bring me out of my questions and disbelief. "You told me you wanted to be my successor, Near. But from what I'm seeing in no time at all Mello's going to end up passing you."

"No." I just barely said.

His hand fisted into my hair and pulled violently as he came down on me again, his face close to mine, "no what?"

"He won't."

"You're the one who's grades have steadily been slipping, you have no room to say whether he will or not. If you continue this way he will, given enough time." I tried to block out his words but I knew they were true, which increased my inability to keep them from seeping into my mind.

"Is that what you want, Near," he asked me, now directly at my ear, "do you want to be second? And be a failure?"

"No."

"I don't believe you."

I wanted to tell him how serious I was, that I wouldn't allow myself to fall in the only strong point I had left, but my fear of what he would say and do made me hold my tongue.

"And even if it is true," he continued, "you're still going to have to be punished for letting yourself fall in the first place."

"No!" I tried, "I'm sorry, please." My eyes squeezed closed, it was so humiliating to have to try and beg for forgiveness.

"You brought this upon yourself." I felt him pull back from me and I let my eyes open just enough to be able to watch as he fumbled in his back pocket before coming up with what he had been searching for.

A pair of handcuffs. (A/N: Handcuff fetish? Haha!)

A few more pleas for him to reconsider this punishment tumbled from my lips but I didn't fight him as much as I could, I knew he could overpower me no matter how much I fought and in the end it would only make matters worse for me.

He handcuffed both of my wrists around one of the close by wooden bedposts, so they were high above my head; I could feel the pain from the odd position in my arms already.

L, after satisfied that I was secured, once again leaned down to me and kissed me, this time it was more violent. His tongue ravaged my mouth, and biting at my lip till I could taste my own blood.

He moved down to my neck, as his fingers bypassed my shirt completely and went straight to my waistline. "N-no." I tried to say without thinking it through.

L's teeth bit down hard on the skin at my neck, drawing out a cry of pain from me. Obviously enjoying my reaction he once again bit harder on the flesh, but this time I bit my already bleeding lip to hold it back so as not to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was bringing so much pain onto me already.

His fingers caught my attention once again as they slid down my pants and boxers in one movement. Tears filled my closed eyes that threatened to fall without my approval.

He was already so rough; I didn't want to think about what was going to come next.

But he suddenly pulled back from me and began working on his own pants; I could only watch as they were lowered and a wave of nausea filled me yet somehow I held back the urge to vomit.

He crawled up closer to me and fisted his hands in my hair again; hard enough that I swore he'd ripped some out. "Open." He ordered.

I could do nothing but comply, feeling the him insert himself into my mouth; the thought of vomiting once again presented itself to me and I had to fight off every urge to give in to it.

He thrust harder into my mouth, nearly chocking me as he did. I could feel him only getting harder as he did it and I suddenly had the hopes that he would come in my mouth and that would be the end of it.

But my hopes were suddenly shot down when he suddenly ripped himself from me and moved down to my entrance.

Realization struck me like running into a brick and my eyes widened; the tears in my eyes began to flow. "L… N-no, please." I begged.

"I told you, this is punishment." He said. And before I could say anything more or even try and prepare myself he suddenly forced himself into me.

A loud scream of pain erupted from my lips and my arms pulled at the metal cuffs till I felt it cut into my skin and it begin to bleed; where it hadn't begun bleeding I knew it'd be badly bruised. It always hurt so badly, every single time, but this was excruciating.

He paid no mind to my screams but continued his hard thrusts into me, his hands held my hips while his nearly nonexistent nails found a way to dig into my skin.

After what felt like a lifetime, the feeling of his seed spilling into me finally came and he stopped his actions, but never did he pull out of me. I wanted him to just leave, like he always did, so I could finally vomit somewhere and try to collect up my broken self.

But he wouldn't even grant me that sweet pleasure. His eyes continued to watch me, as though trying to send me some kind of message just with his gaze.

Just then a beeping came from L's laptop, followed by Watari's voice, "L I have a new case for you."

"Later, I'm busy."

"I think it'll really interest you this time. Fifty-two known deaths of criminals all around the world; all died of heart attacks with no other leads."

L was silent for a long moment; his features said he was contemplating his next action silently. Finally though he sighed, "alright, I'll take a look, please come and get Near and take him back to Wammy's House."

"Yes." Then the connection was cut.

He finally pulled out of me and redressed, only then undoing the cuffs that had bound my now cut up and bleeding wrists. He casually walked out of the room back to the living area to look over this new case.

I was relieved for more than one reason but I tried not to get my hopes up yet, he hadn't officially taken the case yet. He could still turn it down.

Even so I tried to pick myself up and redress despite the pain that consumed my entire body. All I wanted now was to return back to the orphanage, take a shower, bandage my wounds, and lay down. I wanted to fall away from the rest of the world; I wanted it to leave me behind in that one spot.

A/N: Ugh, kudos to those writers who can write rape stories. I figured when I made this idea that it would be like writing any other lemon, but no, for some reason these are so much harder to do. So, to those people who can do them, and do them well, you have my respect.

Oh, and if anyone hasn't figured it out yet, all of this happened around December 3rd, the latest date possible for L to have received information about the Kira Case without formally announcing his investigation.

1: Okay, so I'm definitely from the south, I've only ever seen snow once in my life. So no bashing about my snow description part! Give me a break I'm working with what I have here.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	4. Night

A/N: Ah, this story seems to be coming out nicely so far. It does seem kind of repetitive, seeing as this chapter and the last one are kind of the same as the first two. But that just kind of shows how repetitive Near's life has become. After this chapter though it won't be at all. And we'll get into the main plot of this story. Oh, and thanks to everyone who's reviewing! I love reading your comments!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, or any of the characters, or anything like that. No suing! (Reviews fuel my writing spirit though!)

Chapter 4: Night

Upon arriving back to Wammy's House I couldn't help but feel a sense of déjà vu as I stepped out of the car into the merciless cold of the England winter and once again my lack of winter clothes did nothing to help.

I entered into the warm building and, much like a few days ago, Mello's familiar presence was awaiting me.

I stopped in the doorway and waited for him to talk; for him to say anything at all to me. Maybe something about the way he hated the fact that I got to go to these 'meetings' and he didn't, and then a rant about how he hates me so much.

Yes, that would be interesting to hear. It would only fuel my overall low outlook on myself.

But he continued to say nothing. My eyes finally moved over to him and instantly he locked our stares. "Yes, Mello?" I asked politely.

"Are you going to try and provoke me into hitting you again today?" He asked.

"No, why would I?"

"I don't fucking know, you tell me! You're the one who did it a few days ago!" The anger he had been suppressing so well behind his heavily built walls of self-control suddenly came forth. He put a lot of effort into self-control but still his emotions, especially anger, seem to topple it down like it wasn't even there.

"I have no reason to."

"Oh, but you did a couple of days ago?"

"Yes." I said simply, frankly wishing I could just end this pointless conversation in order to go upstairs and try and wash away the filth from my body.

"Well what the hell was it, you-." He stopped; his look turning suddenly into one of confusion, "what'd you do to your wrists?" He asked.

My eyes instantly shot down, if it had been in my nature I would have sworn. The cuts the handcuffs had inflicted upon me had begun lightly bleeding again and were now showing on my white shirt sleeve.

I instantly turned it so he couldn't see anymore, "that is none of your concern." I said, diverting my eyes.

"No, but I still want to know!" He said, annoyed that I hadn't simply given him an answer.

I began walking away to the stairs, "you should really learn how to mind your own business, Mello." I told him as I took each step. He shouted something back to me but I didn't care enough to pick it up.

I continued on my way, numb to everyone and everything except my destination, for the hundredth time thankful that my room was one of the few that had its own bathroom in it.

My room was empty and lifeless as always, white filled everything except the toys I had cleaned up earlier that same day. The only amount of color that normally came into my room was from the window that sat parallel to my bed. Depending on the season it normally allowed the warm glow of sunset to filter in.

But today was an overcast day, and even though it was about the time when the sun would set, there was no yellow or orange disc to be seen in the sky. It left my entire room feeling cold and completely un-lived in.

I tried to push those thoughts away from me as I made my way into my bathroom and locked the door once inside.

Without hesitation I turned on the water in the shower to a warm setting and allowed it to adjust as I peeled away my clothes while attempting not to look at myself. I didn't think I'd be able to hold back the sick churning of my stomach if I had to look at my broken self one more time today.

Once the water was warm enough I stepped inside and let the spray wash over me. Rinsing my skin with its immaculate water yet not even penetrating the level of filth I still felt on every inch of my skin.

After allowing the water to wash away the blood from the cuts on my wrist (and observing them to make sure they weren't too deep of course) and letting it rinse away every other part of me I began the processes of trying to get myself clean.

I turned the knob to the hottest setting and took the soap to begin washing myself. The burning water did nothing for my skin overall but I desperately hoped that it would somehow be able to burn away the filth that remained plastered on me.

How was it that I am the only one who sees it?

Doesn't anyone else notice how broken I look, how appalling I look now that I've had this traumatic experience happen so many times over?

… No… of course no one notices. And ultimately, it's my fault that no one notices.

The pressure I put on my limbs and body as I ran the soap bar over it hardened while I began to think about it more

L was right to pick me for his sick pleasures; to make me his sex doll. I'm so emotionless and don't ever communicate with anyone, so no one would ever notice when I became even more so.

And even if I wanted, no, even if I had the ability to get someone to notice I would never be able to do it. Was there any real way to admit to someone that you'd been…. That you've… to admit what's happened?

No, if there is a way to admit it I can't think of it. And even if I could there'd be no one to tell. Who would ever believe that the greatest detective in the world, L, had done so many things to one of the people vying to be his successor?

No one here, that's for sure.

So it was only me. Somehow my fate had taken a turn and now I was only destined to be this tool, this sex toy for my idol, that can't even look at himself in the mirror let alone do anything about it.

As the soap bar began to dwindle down to a small thin piece I set it down again, my skin felt raw from all of the scrubbing I had done, and yet still there was a veil of filth on me that lingered. How many bars of soap would I have to go through in order to get it off?

More than one, that's for sure.

Even after putting the soap bar back down I continued to stand under to scalding water and let it seep into my hair, drip down off my white locks and collide with the tile floor below. The rest created streams of cascading water over my body.

I wanted to stand there for hours, just watching the water fall away from me, but I knew I couldn't. Realistically, I had to at least return to my room. No one would find it odd for me to lock myself away in my room for the rest of the night.

And ultimately, that's the problem; the problem I created. No one would find it odd.

A/N: Wow, so definitely shorter than the other chapters have been, that's noticeable. Okay so I know this chapter doesn't seem to really have any purpose but I really just wanted to show that Near DOES kind of consider wanting to tell someone what's going on, but he feels he can't and, as we'll find out, he thinks he can handle it himself. I was going to go on to where he's lying on his bed and maybe Mello comes in for some reason, but I didn't want to delve back into Near's impossibly deep mind again for fear of getting lost.

Please review! (Ideas or requests would be a big help! Even the smallest things like quotes or a scene or something!)

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	5. Heal

A/N: Eh, I hesitated starting this chapter because I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to put in it. Well… I know what I want but I hesitated because honestly, when I first thought of it I couldn't think of Near acting the way I'm making him (and will make him). But then later on when I thought about it more I was like, "he's so withdrawn from the world but I don't even think someone as controlled as Near would be able to handle this easily, or alone." So… somehow I have to convince myself this is gonna work out okay. This may be the chapter to break what people say about me being able to write Near good… We'll see… Okay… enough of my meaningless ranting…

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story. Please excuse me while I go cry somewhere.

Chapter 5: Heal

The days following my last 'meeting' with L rolled by quietly and uneventful. I didn't think much of it the first couple of days, knowing that if I let the comforting thoughts of not having to return to another hotel room for awhile blanket me then they would only end up being crushed.

But after four days of hearing nothing my mind began to get ahead of me. Odd, this is the only time I felt that I have little control over my thoughts on a situation. I suppose being forced into such a situation has left me desperate to know what it coming next at all moments and to expect every possible outcome to at least some degree.

Paranoia would be the best way to describe my thoughts after the fourth day of not being contacted.

I restricted much of my actions, refusing to allow myself to build as big of dice towers around myself to further block out the world as I wanted. What was the point, I thought, if I was just going to have to clean them up once Roger announced that I have to go anyway?

I tried not to shower more than two times during the duration of the day since I knew I would be in desperate need of another one once I returned from my 'meeting'.

And I found that whenever Roger, or any of the staff at Wammy's House, passed by my room or the common room I would stop what I was doing, convinced that whatever brought him to this area had to deal with me leaving to see L again.

But after a week still nothing had happened. I began to wonder.

Perhaps L had taken up the case Watari had presented that day after all and was now currently working on it. Or maybe, hopefully, he just got tired of me (though I had reason to believe that this wasn't so).

Finally I couldn't take the unknowing any longer; I needed to know what was going on and whether or not I could release the feeling of relief that was building inside of me.

So that afternoon, a week after my last 'meeting', I stood from where I had been in the center of a dice fortress and made my way out of the common room and down the hall to Roger's office; where I knew he would be at this time.

After giving a single, light knock I proceeded in, finding the aged man sitting behind his desk and as usual shifting through some papers.

"Good afternoon, Near," he said as I sat down in my normal position with one leg drawn up close to me and my fingers finding a lock of hair to twirl.

"Why haven't I been contacted for another meeting with L?" I asked without looking at him.

I could feel that his eyes stayed trained on me, his fingers came up to support his head, "well," he started slowly as if figuring whether or not his next words were true, "I believe he's currently working on a case."

'Is that so?' I thought to myself but said nothing to him.

"Apparently it's supposed to be harder than those he's done in the past."

"How long will he be working on it?" I asked, my eyes finally drifting up to him.

He was quiet for a moment, figuring it out, "well it's hard to say, I don't have a lot of the details on it. Maybe a month or two if not a little bit longer."

That difficult? Interesting. "Thank you, Roger." I said as I stood up and once again left from the room.

My thoughts were not with me as I left, it felt as though they were locked behind a wall of haze that I could not clear no matter how much I wanted to. An odd feeling of numbness filled my entire being again that seemed like I was trying to protect myself something.

I was lost, not sure where exactly I wanted to go and unsure of what I even wanted to do anymore.

L was temporarily gone; for at least a month or two now. Meaning… I was free of those horrible 'meetings' that always made me feel so disgusted with myself?

What was I supposed to do with myself now knowing I didn't have to wait for those visits to creep up on me?

Attempting to try and heal myself as best as possible in the short amount of time seemed utterly impossible; not to mention pointless. Why would I go through the trouble of trying to sew up gaping wounds when in the back of my mind I know they'll only be cut open again?

Then again, just the thought of having to force myself to live in this constant disgust with myself was wearing on my even wanting to go on. Having been robbed of everything so young and now having my already locked away emotions taken as well made me question what I had left.

I shook my head to clear those thoughts away. I take back what I said… no matter how pointless it will be I still need to attempt to heal myself.

Those thoughts prove it, the longer I leave the wound gaping the more it will take its effect on me and I don't even want to let myself rest on what would lay at the end of that line.

But then comes the issue of how exactly I'm going to do this. I haven't the slightest idea of what any normal person in my place does. They say time heals all wounds but even time is not on my side now.

I cannot be patient when it comes to this, not this time. For once, and probably the only time, I'll have to step outside of my comfort zone in order to ensure that the worst doesn't occur.

So… seeing as I am not staying within the realm of comfort here, I suppose the only logical thing to gain back for myself is the ability to have emotion. I've always had emotion, it's just firmly locked away so they do not impede on my ability to rationally look at things before me.

Once I can feel then I'll be able to tend to what hurts me. So in the very least I must find pain in order to recognize it.

I stopped in the hallway, my eyes unfocused on the floor as a sense of repetition crept over me. This sounded oddly familiar again, just like a week ago when again I had been searching for clarification that I could still feel something.

As I thought about that another thought fought its way to my attention. How did I plan on getting this sense of pain again?

I couldn't use the same plan I did last time, Mello may be second best and let his emotions blind him at times but he's still observant enough to notice something like this. Especially if it's me doing it.

So that was out of the question.

'What would someone else, a regular person, in my position do?' I wondered to myself as I went down the hallway till I reached the common room. But I continued to stand in the entrance, feeling as though something was preventing me from going inside.

The answer to my question was simple enough, and came almost immediately after I had wondered it.

Self mutilation.

But was I really that desperate? Was that even possible for someone as rational as myself? Could I even go through with it?

What am I talking, of course I could go through with it. After those 'meetings' with L and having to deal with the guilt from all that, causing myself pain would have to be the farthest thing from difficult.

With that thought in mind I left the place I had been standing at in front of the common room in order to begin the process of carrying out my decision; hoping that these nearly drastic efforts would not go without results.

-

It wasn't that much longer before I was sitting in my room in front of the mirror that hung on my closet door with the tools of assistance laid out before me.

I stared down at the flawless silver of the razorblade I had found under one of the sinks in the restricted bathroom on the first floor. I had to plan this out carefully; this was not by any means a way for me to end myself.

At least not for the moment.

This is merely a desperate attempt for me to feel some kind of emotion in order to then begin building off of that.

Such reasoning is logical; and normal for anyone in my position. I had to try and convince myself that what I was about to do was wholly right and would pay off in the end.

The only thing stopping me now was my fear of pain.

Slowly, and with a hesitant hand my fingers picked up the cool blade, being careful not to cut my fingers in the process, and slid up both of the loose white sleeves of the long shirt I always wore.

My pale white forearms, flawless of any imperfections, met me and made me hesitate even more. There would be no way to make these look natural, anyway I did it would be too straight to not be caused my own hand.

I mentally shook myself out of the thought, no one ever saw any more skin than I allowed; no one would ever notice, not if I had anything to say about it.

With that thought keeping me going I forced my fingers to bring the blade to my exposed skin. My eyes squeezed shut tightly and I looked away.

Pushing all doubts away I quickly drug the blade across my skin.

After a moment of waiting my eyes slid open and looked at the damage caused.

A line of red had gathered where the bade had split the skin approximately five inches from the crook of my arm and now a steady flow of blood ran down my arm. I starred, amazed.

No pain.

No! I need the pain! It's the only way for this to work! It's the only way!

Without hesitating, my hand gripping my weapon of choice flew on it's own, making more lines across my left arm, in all directions, and after a number had been put on that one the blade was moved to the opposite hand and the process was repeated.

A sudden shock hit me and I stopped.

A sensation traveled up both my arms as my eyes watched the blood leaving my arm. Pain. Finally, I felt it; my eyes slid closed in relief, soaking myself in the emotion I had somehow found a way to miss.

After another silent minute my eyes opened again to face the reality before me with clearer eyes. I surveyed the damage I'd caused.

My thoughts suddenly began to catch up with me and I could feel my heart begin to race in my chest; slamming against my rib cage. My breath silently quickened into short gasps for air.

Realization struck me harder than the pain had.

I was wrong; this was all wrong. There had to be another way of getting around this! I knew that self mutilation could be as bad as a drug was when it came to addiction and yet I had gone through with it anyway. And now I saw just how many times I had had to do it to break through the wall of numbness I had been feeling.

These desperate attempts to heal myself and just return to my life like nothing had happened was beginning to take over everything and threw the rest of the things I knew somewhere I couldn't find. The proof was written in each of the lacerations; I had even contemplated suicide for a minute!

I stood up from the floor without the use of my hands and went into my bathroom; thankful that none of the blood had gotten on the carpet. Then I quickly fumbled around the bottom of the sink as best I could until I found the first aid kit.

After pulling it out and getting some tissues I sat on the tile floor to contemplate everything as I cleaned up the blood from my arms.

I was wrong… I couldn't do this on my own. I couldn't attempt to heal myself without any assistance. For once, being alone with only my thoughts was neither healthy, nor the best option.

I needed someone to help me.

But who? Who here, or anywhere, would even care enough to _want_ to help me? … The answer was painfully obvious: no one.

Sure, people congratulated me every now and again whenever I scored highest on something, or even attempted to include me in an activity sometimes, but that didn't mean any of them were any closer to me than I felt I was with them.

I connected with no one here; I was alone and I had caused that. And now when I needed someone the most I was paying the price for not having at least a single person to care.

I needed someone I could somehow tell this to, and who would make sure I didn't do anything too drastic such as what I had just done. I needed someone to listen if I decide to someday tell of the things that happened. And most of all, I just needed to know that someone was there… just that they were there for me.

And considering the lack of people I know outside of Wammy's, it has to be someone here.

As the bleeding began to stop on all of the lacerations I held off on bandaging them, it may help me later. I stood after cleaning everything up and left from the small confines and headed for the door.

Off to find someone who would maybe be willing to help me.

A/N: Ugh! Oh. My. God! I thought doing rape scenes was hard! It took me almost a month to finish this one chapter! I just couldn't find the right way to make Near do that without him seeming OOC. And I REALLY didn't want him to be OOC. Long story short, that was incredibly hard to put out. Although, on the other hand, angst stuff is my specialty, it's what I've always been good at doing. And ever since I've come over to writing Death Note stories I haven't gotten a chance to do any of that. So I was kind of glad to be able to get back into that feeling again.

Anyway, next chapter soon, and the more reviews I get the quicker the update!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	6. Examination

A/N: So this is going to be another hard chapter to do. I know Near isn't acting like the textbook explanation of a rape victim right now (at least I don't think so) but I'm going off the assumption that he's just too knowing of the subject to succumb to it. I see him as knowing all the symptoms and everything, hard to explain I guess. However, I am trying to keep to the fact that he can't admit that he was raped (Meaning he won't say 'I was raped') which, may become a hindrance when, say, he tries to tell anyone that he was raped!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. Simple!

Chapter 6: Examination

As I wandered the entirety of Wammy's House I couldn't help but feel the sense of disconnect I had between me and the other orphans more than I ever had before.

Every person I passed was never the right person for one reason or another. Some because they've never spoken to me before. Other's because I knew they talked a lot and would tell everyone else.

Even any official was out of the question.

I couldn't tell any of the staff that worked here what had happened for many reasons. Mainly, because one: they'd consult L about it and get his side of the story. Then two: they'd take his denial story over mine because… well… he's L; that's just how they are. And then three: if they did follow that order of events, whenever L came back it would not work out well for me.

So they were out of the question. As was everybody else here.

I was beginning to feel more alone than I ever have before as I reached the bottom of the steps to the first floor and continued the process of denying people as a group of kids walked by.

'Talks too much.'

'Doesn't care enough.'

'Would never understand.'

'I don't know who he is.'

I silently sighed, perhaps despite my need for someone I was truly alone this time. Perhaps I would be forced to cope by myself. Maybe the world just wanted to punish me in this way for always being so isolated.

Whatever the reason, I didn't want to accept that. Not yet. At least not until I've gone through the entire orphanage at least two or three times.

After looking around the bottom floor I then moved to the only room I, for some reason, hadn't look for someone in.

The common room.

I was fairly sure that not many kids would be there. It was snowing outside so many wouldn't be outside and since we had the day off the majority were in their rooms soaking up the freedom they had. Checking this room was merely a precaution.

But I stopped in my place as I reached the entrance.

There were a few other orphans around the room but one caught my eyes and had me locked in place.

It was a long shot, I knew, but anything was better than nothing. Maybe once he understands he'll put his hatred aside just long enough to assist me.

… The mere thought of it sent a wave of doubt over me.

But I had to try, realistically he was the only one I was even remotely close with and despite how much he claimed to hate me and after all he's done I've never had a problem with him.

As hard as it was to let myself admit, Mello was the only person I had now.

I stepped in and tried to hold my normal, stoic expression in front of anyone who might be watching.

The blonde and Matt were laying on the ground, Matt playing one of his games and Mello watching from beside him with a mug of what was probably hot chocolate between his hands; a bored look was evident in his eyes as I approached.

"Mello." I said in order to get his attention when I was close enough for him to hear my quiet voice while still maintaining at a safe enough distance.

His blue eyes moved from Matt's game over to me; instantly locking in a glare. "What do you want?" He asked venomously.

"I need to talk to you." I said.

He waited with the glare staying firm on his features and soon a minute of silence passed between us. Finally his look hardened, "well speak then, damn it!" He said, rather annoyed.

"Privately, if you don't mind." I requested, polite as always.

"Why the hell does it have to be private?" His voice rose, "anything you have to say to me can just as easily be said here, Near."

I simply shook my head lightly.

"Well too bad, I'm not moving."

I exhaled, knowing exactly what truth that I could bait him with to make him do what I wanted. "It's about the meetings with L."

His eyes locked on me now and I knew, as well as see, that he was searching me for any possible lie. It wasn't a lie, so he would find nothing. However another long silence passed between us.

"Oh just go see what he wants, Mello." Matt said, his fingers rapidly pushing the buttons on his game system and not moving his goggled eyes from the screen.

Mello's head turned to his friend, "who's side are you on?" He asked rather loudly.

"I'm neutral for now." Matt said nonchalantly. "But your anger is starting to mess with my gaming."

Mello sighed heavily, standing himself up and leaving his mug there, "fine, whatever, but this had better be good." He then began to follow me out into the empty entrance way and up the stairs where I led him down the hall to my room.

"You sure you want to be alone with me? You know I have a tendency to hit you, right?" Mello said, the sense that he didn't really care lingering on his every word as we continued.

I only nodded. If he wanted to hit me then so be it. So long as he knew what's been going on. If he knows that then at least I can be assured that it'll be in his thoughts.

We entered into my room and I closed the door behind him, feeling my heart beat quicken just from the thought of being alone with him. Oddly enough, it brought back a wave of memories I would rather not remember.

I tried to push them aside before they could really hit me as I turned back to find him sitting on my bed, arms crossed and a waiting look on his every feature.

I didn't know what to say; I was suddenly frozen in place. Maybe from fear. Maybe from unknowing. I wasn't sure.

"Well?" He demanded, "you going to tell me so I can leave quicker or what?"

Hm… how had I overlooked this littler predicament? It seems I really have been slipping. I forgot the fact that I am incapable of saying what exactly happened.

My fingers rose to twirl a strand of white hair as my eyes moved away. I couldn't just blurt it out even if I could speak the words. This was a problem, how did I get him to understand?

"I asked you something, Near!"

Instinctively I flinched from his harsh words; my grip tightened over my hair as another memory from what seemed like only yesterday slipped into my mind.

"_You like that, don't you?" Came his so familiar voice, so close to me I could smell the sickening scent of sugar on his breath. The mixture of that and his roaming hands sent a wave of nausea through me that I desperately held back._

_A skilled hand suddenly struck me across the face and I tried to hold back my instinctive cringe, "I asked you something, Near!" He said forcefully. _

"_Yes." I finally lied._

"Near." Mello's voice cut through the painful memory and I forced my eyes to look back at his irritated figure. "If you don't say anything I'm just going to leave."

"Those meetings…" I started, trying to plan what I was going to say to his response as I spoke. My mind felt like it was in that haze again; preventing me from thinking and strategizing as good as I normally could. "They weren't what you thought."

"What the hell does that mean?" He asked.

I remained silent and let him think about it.

"What do you mean 'not what I thought'? How the hell do you know what I thought they were about?" He demanded, sending another harsh glare my way.

"I can assure you, they were far from it."

"What were they about then?"

"I can't tell you." I said near a whisper.

"What the hell, Near?" He asked loudly making me lightly flinch again. "You provoke me into asking what they were about then you claim you can't even tell me?"

"You have to figure it out on your own. I am unable to say." I stated, quite truthfully.

"Is this some kind of test L told you to administer to me?"

"Not quite."

"Then what the hell's the point?" He was so irritated now that he hadn't just been given simple answers to his questions. I didn't blame him. I was making this harder than it probably needed to be. I'm horrible with words.

"I need you to figure it out." I stated, eyes dropping to the floor.

He stopped, obviously scrutinizing over my choice of words. "Why?"

I mentally sighed, he asked too many questions sometimes. "I can only tell you once you understand."

He then stood up making me instantly tense up, which he took notice to by the way his head turned to the side, "fine, so I have to figure this out myself. Whatever." He took a chocolate bar out of his pocket and took a bite before replacing it again.

He walked towards me, making me tense even more, and proceeded to circle around me as he searched everything he could. Which I suspected couldn't be that much seeing as my lack of letting anything show.

"So those meetings were nothing that I thought they were…" he thought aloud, "no tests?"

I shook my head.

"No cases he gave to you to solve?"

Again I shook my head.

"He didn't teach you how to be a better detective?"

I repeated the action.

He stopped in front of me and looked me over; I could see the confusion and apparent loss in his eyes that seemed to be an open book to see into. I wondered for a brief moment if everyone saw into him as easily as I thought I was at that moment.

"Did it have anything to do with you becoming closer to being the one to be the next L?"

"Not in the generic sense you're thinking of." I had to wonder about that for a moment, there had been so many times when L had assured me that our actions would assure me the position.

Again Mello scrutinized over my words. What I wouldn't give to see what he was thinking about now. Seeing through his eyes isn't enough to satiate my curiosity.

"What are you thinking, Mello?" I asked quietly, and hesitantly.

He stopped in front of me, his eyes moving from the top of me to the bottom then back up. "I don't know…"

I didn't believe it, there was something behind the words that told me not to believe what he was saying. Perhaps he just didn't want to admit what he was thinking because he felt it was too impossible to think of. In which case he was probably on the right track.

Just then his eyes hardened on me and before I could try and figure out why his hand rose and suddenly slapped me hard across the face.

My instincts took over. I cleared myself of all emotion and all feeling and let a sense of numbness take over the spot so I wouldn't cringe at the pain. I tried not to show how much it'd hurt.

When my eyes slowly and most hesitantly moved up and met his blue orbs again I saw him searching me even still.

Without saying a word he stepped closer to me and lifted his hand as though to hit me. I didn't make a move, and didn't show any signs of moving. Then, after a moment the hand lowered and he gently placed it on my cheek.

The touch that would otherwise be called soft and warm was drowned out by an immediate need to move away from it, to get away from any touch; which I obliged, turning my head away from his hand.

He stepped away from me when he saw this, "so… you don't react at all to harsh actions but you flinch away from any other kind of touch like it's fire." He thought out loud, much to my appreciation.

"And I'm pretty damn sure you were looking for pain a week ago when you provoked me into hitting you. Then there's the deal with your wrists bleeding when you came back a few days after the first incident."

That wasn't enough evidence for him to come to the conclusion I needed.

"I'm not sure whether depression comes into this, seeing as your unemotional all the time as it is. However, that stunt from last week would support it."

"You'd be right in assuming that." He hasn't been observing my actions over time, which wasn't surprising, but it meant he wouldn't know about the other things. I'd have to try and give him the answers he needed in order to figure it out.

"Well… it's certainly not what I would have ever thought, because based on all that it narrows the options down significantly. And to nothing good either."

"Then you're more than likely right."

His look on me suddenly began to fall from one of a glare and searching at the same time to simply watching me with a sense of hesitance in his blue, observant eyes that I'd never seen before.

"Near…" his tone was softer now, a tone I had never heard from him before, "were you raped?"

A/N: That wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it was going to be. The only part that I struggled with was the fact that Mello technically, didn't have enough evidence to support that Near was raped. As Near said, he hasn't been watching and thus doesn't know the rest of the symptoms Near's dealing with. But, in order to clear up that it may seem too convenient for him to have figured it out, I'll tell you now. He used Near's words to figure it out. He used the fact that Near was saying things like, he, "NEEDED" Mello to figure it out to kind of assist that it was nothing good. Hopefully that helps some!

Anyway… Let me know what you think.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	7. Disinfectant

A/N: Okay, so here's the next chapter. This is where things get tricky… I've known what I want up until this point. But from here on I'm kind of unsure about the things I want to be in it. So… any questions or ideas that you get while reading would be INCREDIBLY helpful!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its characters… life is so unfair.

Chapter 7: Disinfectant

"Near…" Mello asked me, his tone was softer than I've ever heard from him before, "were you raped?"

A wave of relief washed over me when he asked me that. It meant that I could just nod and he would get the idea; then he would know and perhaps then do something.

I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted him to do… but anything was better than nothing, really.

I gave a small nod; just enough so I knew he noticed it and let my head bend down enough for my white locks to block my view of him. I felt so ashamed and disgusted at the same time.

I listened as he sighed heavily, "have you told anyone else?" He asked. There was an odd sound in the way he asked. A force in it but not demanding… I wasn't sure what exactly it meant.

"No." I said simply.

"Why not?"

"No one would believe me."

"Yeah… I barely believe you."

I looked up enough to watch him run his fingers through his long locks of blonde hair; his blue eyes were pointed away from me towards the far wall and I could easily see his mind was racing. "What reason would I have to lie, Mello? Whether it be to you or to anyone?"

"I don't know! That's what confuses me. That's so… it doesn't seem possible."

I simply nodded.

Mello was quiet for a long time; his eyes continued to point away from me. I wondered what he was thinking about. What did he think about me now? Did he see me as disgusting as I felt because of it?

Finally though he looked back at me with hard eyes, "why are you telling me this? What do you expect _me_ to do about it?"

I cringed away from the words that hit me as harsh as he probably intended them to be. "You're the only one I had."

"What?" He asked in disbelief. "You're my rival, Near, I hate you, I'd beat you up at any free chance I can get. How the hell do you get that I'm the only one you have based on that? Are you just a masochist, or what?"

"Perhaps," I said, "but realistically, over everyone here you're the only one I'm even remotely close to, and the only one who doesn't use me for any selfish desire." I said with my eyes falling to the floor again.

He was quiet for another moment, "how long has it been going on?"

"A little over a month and a half."

I could feel the heated glare he sent me, "and you're just now telling someone?" Disbelief laced his words; but I understood where it was coming from.

"L has a case he's working on now. I… wanted to try and heal myself as much as I could in his absence." I began rolling up my sleeves to reveal my still un-bandaged lacerations, "but as you can see… it didn't work out so well."

I watched his eyes widen at the sight of the red, open wounds on my arms that had stopped bleeding a short while ago.

"Near…" He sounded at a loss for words, another thing I've never seen from him.

Then, just as quickly as he had given me that surprised look his expression hardened on the wounds and his hand took mine forcefully; dragging me into the bathroom on the other side of my room before i could protest against it.

I tensed when he let me go, not understanding what he was doing. "Mello?"

"Sit down." He commanded.

I instantly complied, sitting on the linoleum floor as he went through the cabinets; I didn't dare ask what it was he was looking for.

A few moments later he emerged with the same first aid kit I had just put away not too long ago.

He sat down in front of me and took my right arm, extending it so he could see the extent of the damage. "What are you doing?" I asked quietly and hesitantly while fighting the urge to attempt to take my arm back from him. His touch felt like fire on my skin again.

"Well someone has to make sure you don't do something else stupid by getting these infected." He stated, taking out a bandage and disinfectant. "Honestly Near, I didn't even think you were capable of something like this."

I looked away from him, wanting to say that it's amazing what self-loathing could bring a person to. But I held back as I didn't want to see how he'd react to that statement.

He began to tend to the area, I could feel how soft his touch was on my skin as he rubbed the painful disinfectant on my arm (and held my wrist just enough so I couldn't instinctively pull away) before beginning to wrap a white bandage around it. Despite his attempts at making it as soft as possible I still felt sick having him touch me. I wanted it to stop.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked after he had finished my first arm and went to the other.

He didn't look at me as he continued, "I don't know. Maybe because I realized that no one else would believe you if you told them the truth and I feel responsible now to make sure you don't go and do something else reckless and stupid."

"That doesn't make any sense." I told him with a slight wince as the disinfectant burned my skin just as much as his the hold he had on me did, "it would be in your benefit to take advantage of this in order to surpass me."

He looked up long enough to glare at me, "do you really think I'm that fucking low?" He asked harshly, "I will beat you, Near, but it's not going to be by cheating. Especially not with something so low as taking advantage of this; I have a lot more honor than that."

Of course, I should have known. "Sorry." I apologized, looking down.

"Don't." He said, his tone falling from mad to a sense of light force that I couldn't specifically place. "Look, like I said since I'm the only one you can tell then I'm the only one that can do anything, right?"

I remained silent.

"So that means you're my responsibility now."

"What does that mean?"

He looked up to meet my grey eyes with his blue orbs. "It means that it falls on me to make sure you get better from this, one way or another."

"And your hatred for me? You don't like being around me for any longer than you have to." I stated, watching for any change of his expression that would show some falter. I was searching for something to tell me whether he was secretly going to be using this to his advantage or not.

"I don't know. I mean, it's not like this is really a situation that can be competed between us." He stated as he again proceeded to wrap the white bandage around my left arm.

I gave just a small smile, "thank you." The only thing that would have made me feel better about my response would have been if the smile had been true.

A/N: So, not bad I guess. Yeah, I admit, it's shorter than the last ones, but like I said I'm struggling for ideas for this. So if anyone has any, or if someone would like to be a muse for this, please let me know. If you want an end to this story you should at least submit one idea. Even something small like a quote or a scene would work!

Please review!  
­_-Forbiddensoul562_


	8. Dinner

A/N: Ugh, this chapter gave me so much hell. I had NO idea what I was going to put into it when I started. But at the same time I didn't want to just jump to the next scene I had in mind because then it would seem jumpy and not make quite as much sense. I kind of regret doing this ALL in Near's P.O.V because it makes conveying Mello's thoughts SO much more difficult (as well as his character). Thank the gods I love a good challenge.

Disclaimer: Not even in my wildest fantasies…

Chapter 8: Dinner

Mello and I remained in that same position, him sitting a few feet away from me, on the bathroom floor in complete silence. His eyes were still resting anywhere but on me and I could see the tension in his body now.

I wanted to say something to break the silence between us, but the fear of it being wrong or him snapping at me kept me quiet.

My fingers rose up to twirl a lock of my white hair and I tried to look focused at the floor as though it held so much of my interest. But the more I tried to divert my thoughts the more they trailed back to the blonde who sat so close to me.

I finally gave in to my wonder. "What are you thinking about now?" I asked almost silently.

He exhaled a large breath and let his eyes close, "I'm trying to figure everything out."

When finally his eyes met mine a spark ignited within me that I'd never felt before. It left me with a sense that Mello had no idea what to do now but that he was going to do whatever he had to in order for everything to fit the way he wanted it to go. Just like he did for everything else in life.

"You're really going to try and help me, Mello?" I questioned.

His look turned to a scowl that made me shift back, further away from him. He noticed this and instantly looked away again, "I told you I would, didn't I? I'm not one to break my promises."

"You never promised me anything."

"Damn it Near you're missing the point!"

I flinched away as instincts took over again. My eyes closed and I waited for any kind of strike to hit me. I could feel my nails digging into the palm of my hand till I swore they'd break the skin. How I hate being this obviously weak.

The strike never came though.

All I heard was another exhale from Mello and then the shifting of clothing as he moved around.

Just then there was a sudden warmth against my skin. His fingers moved against my hair, ruffling it softly, in what he meant to be a soothing action. I tried not to let the touch turn into searing pain and I tried to keep myself from pulling away.

This was the kind of thing I wanted. No… more like the kind of thing I knew I needed.

"Sorry…" he admitted in such a quiet tone it seemed that he feared having even the walls know of his apology, "you know this is going to be difficult, okay?"

"I know." I said.

"You're not my favorite person Near, that added to the fact that I have no idea what to do is going to contemplate things."

I nodded, already knowing everything he was saying.

"Then why are you asking me to do this?" His voice grew firm as his hand stilled on me, but not as loud or frustrated as it would have probably been in any other, normal, situation.

"You don't have to do anything, Mello." I told him. I only wanted someone to know, and I admit that I wanted someone to help me. But if they were unwilling to assist me… well I wouldn't blame me. How could I even be worthy of their assistance after I've let everything happen?

"Of course I do," he said.

I stayed silent but pulled my head away from his touch, feeling the pain of it on me again. He confuses me to no end. First he tells me that he has no idea what he's doing and wants to know why I'd even ask him to do this, then he confirms that he is going to do something anyway?

So what does that mean?

Could it somehow mean that Mello cares about what happens to me in the near future? It's a long shot that borders impossibility but I couldn't push past the fact that it may actually be true.

He took his hand back and I watched his eyes look over my entirety making me feel more uncomfortable, "right, you probably don't want to be touched." He said.

I shook my head. We've both worked with old cases dealing with the same circumstance in the past and knew well the signs to look for and what to expect from the victims. So that could clearly explain my ability to see exactly the problems I'm unconsciously having as well as explain how he'd know.

Hopefully he retained as much as I had and knew what else to watch for and what else to expect. (1)

"Come on." He said suddenly to me, standing up and offering a hand to me.

I hesitantly stood on my own and followed him when he left from the small bathroom and went back into my room.

I proceeded to sit on my bed and he sat on the floor in front of me, probably thinking that sitting beside me would be too close a proximity for the both of us.

"So," his eyes darted around the room as his hands dug into his pockets and took out a bar of chocolate he had; snapping off a piece instantly, "tell me what happened."

I watched his expression; there was a sense that said he could care less about hearing it. Perhaps that it was more so that _I _could say it than him actually wanting to know. Unfortunately for him I had no interest in ever wanting to freely recall those moments to my viewing. They were far too painful to rest on.

"No." I said, again twirling a strand of hair and looking at the closest wall.

His blue eyes landed on me again, "fine. Then don't. Are you going to do anything stupid like that again?" His burning eyes forced me to pull back and I felt that I couldn't look back at him even if I had wanted to. The burning look told me to not even attempt lying.

"I don't know." I admitted truthfully. If I could convince myself into it the first time I wasn't sure what I'd be able to convince myself into the next time.

"That's good to know." He said slightly under his breath, more to himself than to me.

I stayed quiet but watched him now, waiting for him to notice the confusion in them.

"Whatever." He looked away as his voice trailed off, obviously in thought again.

Then, he stood up all of sudden. He moved to grab my hand from where it had stilled around a lock of my hair but stopped just as quickly as he had stood and thought better about it. "Come on." He said.

"Where?" I asked in a monotone.

"Just come on." He instructed. On any other occasion he would have simply yanked me from my spot and taken me wherever he pleased. But the fact that I still remained in place meant he at least acknowledged all that I had told him and was thinking his actions through for once.

I finally let out an exhale too faint for him to hear and stood, following him from my room.

He walked just a bit ahead of me, probably in order to direct where I went in order for him to feel that he was in control and to make it look like, to anyone else, he really wasn't walking with me.

We went downstairs but just as Mello was about to go into the common room the bell rang to signify that it was dinner time.

I hadn't even realized it had gotten that late in the afternoon.

As the other kids began to make their way into the kitchen area to get their food we paused. Mello's gaze then turned to me but he continued to say nothing. He seemed to be torn between two things, his normal self that wanted nothing to do with me and a new side that had promised to help me.

Continuing to not say anything he walked away, into the kitchen, while I stayed exactly in place.

I couldn't help but feel empty and desperately missing something after he left; I couldn't figure out why.

Finally I forced the feeling down and followed the others into the kitchen where plates were being made for us by some of the staff. Reluctantly I took one and continued on past everyone who acted as though I wasn't even there to the formal table where everyone ate.

I hate food.

I've never eaten much before but nowadays I can barely force anything down. For a while it hurt me both physically and in that it brought back memories of events that had sometimes only happened hours before.

As I sat at the table looking down at the chicken that'd been prepared with vegetables on the side I felt nauseated by the sight. I didn't want any of it. But I knew that if I wasn't seen eating at least a small bit that people would get suspicious.

Especially now that I had Mello watching me.

I looked diagonal to me, where Mello and Matt sat talking and eating. I pushed some of the vegetables closer together to tightly pack them.

I'd mastered the art of making it appear as though I'd eaten when in reality not one piece had been touched.

I figured this would be easy enough, as long as I was careful. But just as I began to work on the meat on my plate I felt eyes fall upon me and I froze.

My grey eyes drifted up, and were locked in place with Mello's serious blue eyes. He was trying to be natural, I could tell by the way he looked back at Matt every few moments, but whenever he looked at me his eyes were serious and forceful.

'Eat it.' He mouthed quick enough for no one to take notice but still slow enough for me to understand.

I watched him for a moment longer before looking down at my plate; I could still feel him watching me. Probably to make sure I did what he said.

But then I began to wonder what exactly he would do if I didn't. He couldn't do anything so long as everyone was here without making a drastic scene. However, I didn't want to risk him missing this detail and doing something anyway.

So hesitantly I forced myself to eat a bit of it. The moment the meat and the vegetables touched my tongue I felt the desire to vomit fill me but I miraculously held it all back.

When finally I swallowed it I knew I had had enough; there was no way I'd be able to do that again and no way Mello could make me.

I picked my plate up and carried it into the kitchen to dispose of the remaining food and place my dish in the desired place. Then I walked back out through the dining area to get to the entrance area and the stairs.

A voice caught me on my way to the entrance area, "where the hell do you think you're going?" Of course Mello would say something. I'd half expected it.

"To bed." I answered simply and continued on my way without looking back knowing I'd left him with nothing to say to bring me back if he had wanted to.

Strange… I want this healing and yet my defenses are still so high I'm rebelling against the forces I'd personally brought in.

A/N: I guess this chapter was partly to show more of the effects the experiences with L had on Near. Honestly, I was just going to move straight into the next chapter from the last one, but I thought that'd be too much of a jump so I decided to add this one in.

More reviews means quicker updates!

Please review  
-_Forbiddensoul562_


	9. Relax

A/N: Okay so this is one of the chapters that I've been waiting to do for a while. It'll start to show a bit of the relationship that'll grow between Near and Mello. However, because I've failed to keep the ideas in mind this whole time (I've had this idea since the posting of chapter 3) they've finally quit and left the building… .sigh. this sucks.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. If I did why would I make this a story on here and not put it in the original storyline? … Yeah, I don't own it so plz don't sue me!

Chapter 9: Relax

_I wasn't sure where I was; everything that was in my range of sight was the same white that would normally fill me with at least the slightest amount of comfort. But now it simply scared me more. _

_My mind was clouded and I could barely make sense of anything. _

_I tried to look around in order to find out where I was only to find that my head was paralyzed in place. I began to feel myself panic and only then did I begin to take notice of the other things that were around me._

_There were little indentions on whatever white ceiling was above me as well as a strong scent of fruit around the entire room; I also found that I was unable to move my other limbs as well. _

_Where have I seen this same combination before?_

_I knew that if it were any other occasion I'd know instantly where I was but my clouded mind prevented me from revisiting past memories in my attempt to find this same place._

_That's when I suddenly heard that familiar chuckling that turned my blood cold._

_L._

_All of a sudden things started coming back to me. The hotels. The beds. The pain. The blood. All of it hit me in one brutal force._

_Before I could react, however, the sight of him over top of me filled my field of vision. "Why do you look so scared, Near?" He asked me._

_I tried to get away as his hands roamed over my body; I fought against whatever restraints were holding my arms and my head in place but he didn't even seem to notice._

"_You love it." He said making my stomach twist in a wave of nausea._

"_No." I tried, my voice coming out in a strangled whisper._

_His spidery fingers moved down to the lower part of my body, touching places I never wanted him to. I could feel tears prick the corner of my eyes as I squeezed them closed and pain suddenly racked my body. I couldn't help the light whimper that fell from my lips as a result of it._

_No, how could this be happening! I had thought I was safe form him… I thought I was finally free._

_L appeared near my ear, his voice whispering to me, "you'll never be free. I'll always control you, Near. You belong to no one but me."_

"_No." I tried again._

"_Mine." He said possessively._

"_No." My weak voice said._

"_Only mine."_

"No!" I suddenly shot up to finding different surroundings around me.

My room. I was back in my own room that was flooded with the darkness and cold of night.

I brought my fingers up to touch the corner's of my eyes where, sure enough, I found fresh tears that had threatened to fall. I could still feel the pain in my body and the raggedness in my throat.

Had I been screaming?

All of a sudden my sight was caught by a thing leaning against my mattress; but in the darkness I could barely make out what it was. I strained to see it but all I saw was blonde. My mind began to register and identify the object.

Mello.

I was shocked by my own conclusion but sure enough there he was, sitting on his knees on the floor with his head laying on my mattress; using his arms as a makeshift pillow.

I moved around as cautiously as I could to see his face that was directed away from me. His eyes were closed and his facial features had been molded into the picture of serenity.

I couldn't help but let my stare linger on him, as though my eyes were glued to him by an invisible force. Part of me was thankful though, obviously I hadn't been screaming in my dream or surely Mello would have awoken.

But in the back of my mind, behind the thoughts of how unnaturally peaceful he looked, I wondered, 'what's Mello doing in my room?'

Mello shifted suddenly in his sleep and a strand of his golden hair fell further in front of his face.

I didn't like that, it impeded on my view of him.

Without even thinking my hand slowly, and ever so carefully, moved closer to him till my fingers were able to slide the strand onto them and move it up. But I was suddenly caught by just how soft his hair felt against my fingers. It was like pure silk.

Unconsciously I began to twirl the long, golden strand much like I did with my own hair. But his was softer and melted through my fingers.

However, I was surprised to find that this was more relaxing.

I suddenly miscalculated how far to let the golden strand unravel too and before I could catch it, it fell back against Mello's face.

I froze in place as he shifted again and his eyelids slid open to reveal his blue eyes. They were unfocused for a moment before they locked on the strand of hair hanging before his face.

After a moment his eyes then moved to me, "what the hell were you doing?" He asked in a halfway drowsy tone as he sat up and brushed the strand behind his ear.

"N-nothing." I mentally flinched at my shaky voice and looked away. My fingers found their way to my white hair but it didn't feel the same anymore.

"Why are you awake?" He asked, flicking on the light that was on the bedside table.

"Why are you in my room?"

"I asked you first."

I contemplated my next course of action. Instincts told me to find a way to make him answer first and distract him with that so I wouldn't have to answer his question. But my conscious mind told me that everything would be meaningless if I didn't find a way to lower my defenses.

I decided to listen to my conscious mind for once. "I had a nightmare." My gaze drifted away from him again. I felt so vulnerable and weak.

"About what?" There was a sense of interest in his words that he had been lacking earlier, when he asked me if I was going to tell him about what'd happened.

I stayed silent, my defenses were not lowered enough to be able to admit it to him yet.

"Those meetings?" He asked.

I looked back at him and he locked his gaze with mine. I just barely nodded.

He lowered his head back down to the mattress, "you know that won't happen again, right?" He said it so casually and yet so surely.

"You're being overly optimistic." I stated, "everyone listens to L, it's easy for him to get what he wants at any time."

Mello's blue eyes were still focused on me, "not everyone. I may idolize him but all of that is just wrong. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again, Near."

I watched him for a long minute, trying to figure out if he had really just said that or if I had somehow imagined it. "Mello…" My words failed me again.

"Don't you have a question for me?" He said suddenly.

It only took a second before I understood what he was talking about, "why are you in my room, Mello?" I re-asked.

"I'm making sure you don't do anything stupid again." He stated as he repositioned his arms under his head.

"You don't have to do that." I said, though there was an odd warmth inside of me that said I was thankful that he had. It showed that at least part of him cared, or he wouldn't have done something like this when no one had told him to.

"Of course I do!" He said just forceful enough to show I should have known that. I moved slightly away from him; he noticed and his tone quieted again. "Rape victims have a lot of things that they go through afterword. Insecurity, lack of hunger, and nightmares are big things in this. I saw you were already dealing with two of them so I figured you had nightmares too."

"How would you know if I'm insecure?"

He looked down; I could see the wheels in his head turning. However, my percentages were all blending together. I wasn't sure what he could be thinking anymore.

His eyes snapped up to me in a glare, "Near you're not deserving of the number one rank anymore. You're a liar and a cheater that no one is ever going to want despite anything you attempt."

I tore my eyes away from him and looked away. His words hit me wrong. They bypassed the wall that normally kept all of his attempts to verbally shoot me down away and went straight to that personal, and now highly sensitive, area that lay inside.

I felt the bed move as he shifted up and suddenly his fingers caught my chin and forced me to look at him. He was so close to me, his eyes burned into me; I was afraid of them seeing too far into my being. His touch burned my skin but he held me frozen in place.

"You believed me." He stated, not an ounce of question in it.

I tore my face free of him. I understood what he was doing. He was trying to prove his point, but the words hurt me more than his fists would have because I knew that there was truth behind them.

"Since you believed me it's obvious you're insecure now, at least to some degree." I watched him move back to the same position he had been in before.

"You should go back to your room, Mello," I said quietly to change the subject, "it's pointless for you to remain here. Besides, sleeping like that can't be too comfortable."

He scoffed, "you're not getting rid of me that easily, Near. Go back to sleep." He reached over and turned the light out then laid his head back down.

The room was flooded with darkness and I waited a moment for my eyes to adjust before moving back up to my pillow and slipping under the covers. However, my eyes wouldn't close. I feared the images that lay behind my eyelids.

"Near." Mello said suddenly.

I stayed silent and waited for him to continue. His face was pointed away from me again, but I was sure somehow he would know I was still listening.

"You do believe what I said, right?" He asked. "That one way or another I'll make sure you get better."

"Why?" I asked. I hoped he heard that I was asking why he was putting so much effort into the cause. This still sounded like his same determination but not his words. His will to help me still just didn't sound like him. It made little sense.

"Well it'd be no fun beating you if you aren't even yourself. The only option I have is to make sure you heal from this and then beat you fairly afterword." He stated; at least that sounded more like his kind of response.

"I understand." I stated quietly with my eyes staying trained on him.

Mello was quiet for a long few minutes; I was beginning to think he had gone back to sleep. How, though, I couldn't tell. It looked like such an uncomfortable position.

"Near." He said suddenly.

"Yes?"

"You know," his tone was quieter, and sounded almost like he was debating with himself even as he spoke, "if you want to twirl my hair, you can."

I drew back in surprise. Had I really just heard him right? Was Mello really giving me permission for something normally so unheard of as that? Then again I'd just been doing that only moments before he had woken up… maybe he'd realized what I was doing.

Hesitantly my hand reached out, I craved that relaxed feeling I had gotten from twirling his soft locks, but something in me feared that he'd snap at my touch.

My heart raced but my fingers finally touched his hair; he didn't move. My confidence began to rise as my fingers twirled the gold again and still he didn't do anything.

I doubted I'd be sleeping the rest of the night. I wanted to process over everything that had happened over the small course of time. All of Mello's words, his actions, and my responses to all of it.

A/N: Blah, I wanted some kind of cute ending to this, but do you think my mind could come up with anything? No! Of course not! Sometimes I hate my own mind. Anyway, so this is a combination of two ideas I've been having for this story. One was their conversation and the second was Near twirling Mello's hair. There'll be at least one more chapter kind of like this in here.

Please review all comments! (No flames!)  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	10. Snow

A/N: Blah, so I only have ideas for the first half of this chapter. Hm… this is becoming difficult to do. It's not like I can quickly heal Near. No, that's just not how it works! It never does! And besides, I'm not one for short, quick romance stories anyway so… somehow I have to find the right way to do this. Since when were these stories so difficult?!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note! Or any of the characters, or any of the places; I think you get the point.

Chapter 10: Snow

The next morning I awoke to find that everything around me felt different. I kept my eyes closed so I wouldn't have to fully face life and the reality brought with it yet; instead I tried to understand what I was feeling around me.

I could tell I was still in the safe confines of my own room simply by the familiar smell of detergent on my pillow and the softness of the mattress beneath me. Everything around me was silent as well.

The memories from the previous night began to come back to me and I began to wonder if Mello was still in the same place he had been last night. I'd fallen asleep while continuing to twirl the strands of his hair; but now I could no longer feel the silk against my fingers.

Slowly, out of curiosity, my grey eyes slid open to meet the cold white of my room. I was still in the same position I had been in last night, but Mello was no longer against the side of the bed as he had once been.

'I wonder when he left,' I thought to myself without moving. I wondered when he'd figured out last night that what he was doing was pointless and had finally left. It seemed like the only possible reason.

With a slight exhale of breath I began to sit up. I didn't have any intention of going out to face the rest of the orphanage yet, but at least I could take a shower before returning to bed for a little while.

But just then my door opened and my eyes flicked over to it; my hands unconsciously clenched the sheets.

Mello appeared in the doorway, redressed in one of his other black outfits and a bowl in his hand. "You're up early." He stated, eyes meeting mine as he re-closed the door.

"I'm always up early. You are too." I said quietly.

"Not exactly the easiest place to sleep." He stated.

"You didn't have to do that."

"Whatever." He shrugged it off and moved to sit beside me.

"What is that?" I asked, looking at the bowl in his hands that had a metal utensil leaning against the side while I resisted the urge to slide further away from him.

"Breakfast."

"They don't make breakfast this early." I stated, now more wary than I had been a moment ago. There was something going on with him; I could just tell. But I couldn't quite figure out what exactly it was.

"No," he said, "but I do."

I stayed silent but looked from him back to the plain bowl. Was he suggesting… "you made it?" I asked before I could think it all through.

"It's just cereal, not exactly rocket science." Again I was quiet and let him continue. "It's for you." His eyes moved from the milky contents of the bowl up to me; I couldn't tell what emotion was being portrayed in his blue eyes. But it was nothing he normally showed; that was definite.

"No, thank you."

"Look, Near, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way." His eyes hardened on me, "just eat the damn cereal." He placed the bowl in my hand; somehow managing to not spill anything in the process.

"I'm not hungry." The nausea with myself along with the memories that always played whenever I closed my eyes was all enough to fill me and leave no room for anything else.

"Too bad. I made it so that now you'll have to at least eat something. Besides, if I force you now then it won't be as suspicious as it would be anywhere else."

"I don't want it, Mello." I handed it back to him carefully.

He watched me for a moment with his eyes locked; it made me uncomfortable. "Why not?"

"I've already told you tha-." Before I could finish a spoonful of the milk and cereal was deposited in my mouth. I pulled away from him and instantly moved closer to the headboard with just enough emotion passing my stoic expression to show my question.

"I told you, either the easy way or the hard way." He said with a victorious smirk on his face.

'How clever,' I thought to myself but still remained silent.

"Now, you can either eat it yourself or I'll make you eat it. Take your pick." I couldn't help but wonder how he thought giving those kinds of forceful options to me would help anything. But then again I suppose Mello always has that way of doing everything.

So long as he gets his way what does it matter about the other people?

After another moment of reluctance I took the bowl and moved the spoon around in it. I didn't want any, I never had any sense of hunger anymore and this moment was no exception to that. But with Mello's solid blue eyes on me I knew I didn't have any other choice.

I slowly picked the spoon up, filled with milk and the cereal bits, and brought it to my lips. The cold smell from it alone was enough to make me want to debate with the blonde again.

But in order to save myself from fighting when I knew I would ultimately lose, I placed the spoon in my mouth just long enough to dispose of the food and ate it while trying my best to ignore the instant reaction I had to vomit.

"There, not that big of a deal." Mello stated surely laying back, but I could feel his eyes continuing to watch me; probably to make sure I continued eating.

"If you say so." I said quietly while beginning the process needed to eat the cereal again. However, this time it all looked even less appealing than it had the first time.

-

Mello left later that morning, when it was a more logical time for him to be awake and to make it seem as though he had just awoken. He said something about wanting to be seen by others alone for a while and possibly hang around Matt for a bit.

It was all part of the unconscious charade needed to make everyone else think that there was nothing going on, I understood.

I, however, stayed in my room till the afternoon. After Mello left I took a shower and returned to my bed as I had planned on doing earlier. Under my own sheets and away from the rest of the world was where I felt the smallest amount of safety.

But I knew that I couldn't stay there all day. So finally, I reluctantly got up again and left from the safer confines of my bedroom to go down to the common room where I planned to remain for the rest of the day.

However, once I got to the bottom floor I observed something odd.

There was no one there.

It looked as though Wammy's had suddenly been deserted of all people in only a couple hours. Normally there was at least one person to be heard around, or seen traveling from one place to another.

But now it was empty; it sent a chilling feeling through me. My heart began to race; as I walked around my eyes searched frantically for someone, anyone, else. I didn't want to be left completely alone here.

Then all of a sudden my eyes caught sight of movement and I instantly turned to it. I found one of the female officials in the kitchen. Well, it was better than no one.

Her light colored eyes turned to me, "Near," I didn't know her by name but her voice was soft and kind. "What are you still doing in here?" She asked.

"Excuse me?" I asked letting only a small amount of question show in my tone so she didn't misinterpret my words as not having heard her.

"There's a snow day today; everyone's playing outside." She stated.

"I see." I turned enough to look out one the windows in the far side of the kitchen. How I had missed the sight of children running around outside was beyond my understanding. "I think I'll stay indoors."

"No, no." I stopped from where I had begun to walk away when she spoke. "Everyone is playing outside today so we can clean up the inside a little bit."

"I'll stay out of your way."

"I'm sure you will, by playing outside for a while."

I watched her in silence for a minute, debating on my next action. I didn't like the outside much, but it'd been so long since I'd really gone out for any prolonged amount of time. So long as I'm left by myself I'm sure it wouldn't be that much different than the indoors.

So without another word to her I went back into the entry way and regrettably slipped on my deserted shoes that I'd neatly left by the door, and then put on the thin white jacket overtop before heading out.

The large area around the orphanage was littered with the orphans that lived within the building, all of them contrasting in some way with the white of the falling snow from the sky.

Each of them was doing their own thing, some having snowball fights while others were making angels in the snow, and building forts and other buildings out of the malleable snow that lay thick on the ground.

My eyes scanned the area, and finally landed on the one I was looking for.

Mello and Matt were the only ones in their small group, of course, and were building a snowman that only the two of them could create. It was complete with rosary, fuzzed vest, a cigarette (courtesy of Matt, I'm sure), and a look constructed on his face that said he'd melt any other snow man that messed with him.

Looking away and dismissing their predictable actions I made my way over to a lone bench that sat against the wall of the building. There was no one there, or around the area; I would have it to myself for a while.

After clearing away the snow that had piled on it I sat down, pulling my left leg up and close to me; then let my eyes drift out over the area again.

Everyone looked so joyous and oblivious in the happy world that had been constructed for them, as always. I hadn't felt this disconnected from the other orphans for a long time. It felt as though, if I didn't move at all, when the time came they would all go back into the building without even acknowledging my presence.

I knew that wasn't so much of a good thing anymore. Being left back to be forgotten… I could find no positive outcome in that.

-

After roughly ten or fifteen minutes of the numbing thought, my body began to shiver from the cold air around me. I looked away from the grounds and up into the sky at the snow that was gently falling to the Earth from the grey clouds above.

It all looked so perfect and I swore if I sat here for a while I'd be lost to it. My body temperature was dropping and I could feel it but at the same time I couldn't help wanting to stay in this spot. It was peaceful; something the inside didn't offer me anymore.

I felt numb again, but this time I didn't mind it quite so much, I didn't feel as disgusted with myself or confused about anything that would be happening in the future. And when I closed my eyes to blink I saw nothing more than the repetitiveness of the snow falling to Earth.

The sound of crunching snow coming closer brought me back down to the pains of reality and my head fell back to its normal position; eyes pointed out to see who it was.

Surprisingly enough, it was Mello coming my way. He brushed the snow off of the second half of the bench and sat next to me. "Didn't expect to see you out here." He stated.

"Didn't expect you to come over." I retorted easily; my gaze was locked on him and I couldn't figure out why.

"Matt decided to sneak his way back inside to play one of his games and I told him I'm being forced to hang out around you more."

I remained silent, finally forcing my eyes away from him and back out to the grounds to the others.

"What are you thinking about?" He suddenly asked; from his quiet, yet interested tone I could hear he was serious. I hated how I had to always determine whether or not the majority of his questions were serious or not.

Because I wasn't sure of exactly what I had been thinking about, or how to put any of it into words where it would make sense, I took a different approach. "Mello, I have an honest question."

His blue eyes moved over to me as his hand retrieved a chocolate bar from his pocket and he snapped off a piece.

"Have you ever thought that we are just tools?" I asked.

"Who's 'we'?"

"You, myself, or anyone at Wammy's, really."

He looked away and thought about it, but when he looked back at me I met the gaze and noticed the confusion in his features. I knew exactly what he was going to ask next. "Why?"

"I've been thinking about it over the past couple of weeks and I have found that I've been nothing more than a tool to the majority of the people I know."

He watched with eyes that waited for me to elaborate.

"Roger and the other officials use us so that they can have copies of L to replace him once he dies, and once one of us does people shall use us to do what they cannot. And as for L… he…" I couldn't finish the sentence, the words simply would not form.

"So?" He sounded like he was trying to draw the conclusion out of me, but at the same time he already knew what that was.

"So… I began to wonder, knowing that, if it was even worth it. Though perhaps I'm not thinking as logically about it as I normally would, but still…" Again my voice trailed off as I began to second guess even saying it.

"Still what, Near?" He pressed, "what the fuck are you trying to say?" Annoyance was evident in every word.

I hesitated for a moment, "I've begun to wonder what it would take to show that to people." It was the bluntest way I could put it. After the words were spoken I looked back at Mello, I needed to see how he reacted to my words even though I was positive he had already known what I was going to say before that.

His expression changed a number of times, first from confusion to pain, then from that to anger (his fist clenching for a second signaled it), and finally to show he had gone into thought again; his eyes turned away from me as he took another bite from the chocolate bar.

"Everybody does that, Near, that's just how humans are. We use the people around us in order to get the things we want. That kind of stuff isn't just focused on us."

"I see."

I looked away and let my thoughts drift off on what he had said. But beside me I could feel the blonde's tension, however I couldn't figure out why.

All of a sudden, in one movement, I was pulled closer to Mello and his arms wrapped around me securely.

The fire from his touch began to lick at my skin sending waves of pain and the need to get away throughout me. I tried to push against him to free myself but he held tight, "Mello, let me go!" I continued with my attempts but he barely seemed to notice at all.

"Just listen to me." His voice, softer and quieter, said.

I stopped my actions and attempted to ignore the fire from his touch in order to try a different way of getting him off of me, "there are others around."

"Fuck them for right now."

I was silent, waiting for him to continue. He sounded so different…

"Look, I still don't understand why the hell you would ask me, who hates you, to do this out of anyone else on the planet. I'm fluent in three languages and I still can't seem find the words needed to help you. But I swear, Near, if you do anything even close to leaving, in any sense of the word, I'll find a way to destroy you. Just bear with me for a while, I will help you… I'll fix you."

I was paralyzed by the time he finished speaking. Part of me didn't want to believe he had really just said any of that to me. Maybe it was my imagination forming his words.

I didn't move as Mello pulled back from me finally; his blue orbs looking me up and down once. He then began to take off the black jacket he had on with a halfhearted chuckle, "those officials are idiots. They should know you're not fitted for any kind of outdoors; especially not winter weather. You look frozen."

He carefully draped his jacket over my shoulders; I noticed the way he made sure not to touch me in the slightest and stood up after words. Before he began to walk away he turned once more to me, "don't tell anyone about that, or why, got it?"

"If I told them why, or what you were saying I'd have to admit everything of what I have already told you."

He scowled, "don't be a smartass." With that he turned and began towards the entrance of the building.

I watched him go before looking down at myself, in all white but now with a veil of warm and oddly comforting black over me. I hugged the material closer and let my eyes close, I could smell the sweet chocolate on the material as well as the strong natural scent that was on Mello's being.

I began to replay Mello's words in my head to try and figure out what exactly he was trying to say with them. It was interesting what my words had brought out of him.

Very interesting.

A/N: When I decided to put the second half of this in here I knew it was going to be long, because, let's be honest, if you're in Near's character there's not a lot of time where you can just have straight dialog without the description. But I didn't know it was going to be this long! However, I did like the last part, what Mello says and how he gives Near his jacket. So cute!

Let me know what you thought! All comments are appreciated, but no flames.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	11. Silence

A/N: I was really hesitant about doing this chapter only because I wasn't sure how people would react to my changing around the original so much for it. But, in all honesty I couldn't find any other way around it that would make the story progress the way I need it to. Though… I don't think it'll be that bad.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, or any of the characters.

WARNING: This has spoilers to chapter 109. I've changed it around a bit from the original but this is just a precaution so I don't get people complaining.

Chapter 11: Silence

The next couple of weeks moved by slowly for me in that each day was always different than the previous one had been. I was surprised by this at first, breaking out of the day to day routine that I'd become so accustomed to was not something I adjusted to easily.

I'm not sure if Mello somehow knew about the repetitiveness of my days, or if it was just coincidence. But it seemed that everyday something different would happen because of him.

One day we'd be in the common room and he'd ignore me for Matt (though every once and a while I would feel his eyes trail back to me).

Then the next we'd stay in my room for a good amount of the day.

His patience, though, was what surprised me most of all. I never thought he would be able to sit, and stay in one place for too long of a time without exploding out at something. But I'd seen him do it more than once now.

It was the days where it was just he and I that his change was the most noticeable. I would play with my toys on the ground and he would be either on my bed or somewhere close by, silent as could be.

I would watch him out of the corner of my eye and observe as his own orbs went in and out of focus and I'd wonder what it was he was thinking so deeply about. I only questioned him on it once…

"_Mello."_

_His eyes shot back to me, locked and focused instead of the far away gaze he'd been sending to the floor. "What?"_

"_What are you thinking about?"_

"_Nothing, Near!" _

_I flinched away at the harshness and stayed silent. If Mello didn't want to tell me what he was thinking then I wasn't about to press into him and try and figure it out. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested by it._

Needless to say the following days were relatively quiet; I didn't mind.

But then one morning I awoke to the same thing. Quiet, and peace. Mello was gone, just like he always was. It seemed like every night I insisted that his sleeping in here was pointless, but every time I did he ignored it. His stubbornness was certainly still intact.

I knew how it worked, just like it did every morning. I would first take a shower before going out and downstairs to the common room. There, Mello would eventually find me and something would eventually happen. As to what, I could never be sure.

So after making sure my white hair wasn't dripping wet from the shower anymore and I looked presentable enough, I took some of my rubrix cubes and exited from the quiet room out into the hallway. It was about ten-thirty in the morning but the halls on this floor were oddly quiet.

I could hear the other orphans movements on the first floor though.

Something wasn't right.

Cautiously I slowly made my way down to the first floor, making sure to take in every detail around me in the hopes of trying to figure out what was making everything seem so very wrong.

The solid objects around me were the same as always, nothing was different about Wammy's as a whole.

But the other orphans, how they moved and held happy smiles on their faces that I'd never noticed before, was what made me stop momentarily.

I was at the bottom of the stairs, the ideal place to watch people as they moved from one place to another. I was like a statue to them, always there but hardly noticed.

"Excuse me." I stopped one of the girls that had been walking closer to me than the others. "What's going on?" I asked in my normal, quiet tone.

"Are you kidding?" She drew back in what I could only determine to be shock. "Have you not heard the news?"

I stayed silent, waiting for her to continue and answer my question.

"We're going to talk to L today." She walked away as she spoke.

I had never before felt the surge of emotions that blanketed me at that one moment. With that one name everything ceased to exist. My heart pounded hard against my ribcage, I felt myself growing evermore nervous as numerous thoughts filled my head at once.

We were going to talk to L? Now? Why? How? I wasn't sure I could deal with being in the same room as my once idol. I didn't know how I would react and the unknowing scared me.

Had he somehow heard about the way I'd been staying around Mello more than normal? But who would have told him something like that? But if they had… did this mean he was making his presence known to me again in order to show that he was still in control?

One thing was certain though, I did not want to be anywhere near him, in any sense of that word. I did not want to have to hear his voice, or constantly have to wonder about any underlying meanings to his words.

But there was no way around this. I'm the number one candidate to succeed L, and therefore I'd be forced to anything that has to do with L. Of course I'd be expected there this time.

I couldn't think of any lie to get myself out of this.

As I stood at the bottom of the steps, my hands fumbling with the cloth covering my arms I barely registered someone walk up to me.

"Hey."

My focus came back to the room around me, and my eyes rested on Mello standing in front of me, who had been the owner of the voice.

There was a solid look in his blue eyes, the normal expression that he held when in public. One of his hands was in his pocket while the other held one of his chocolate bars to his lips, though he seemed to have waning interest towards it.

"Did you hear?" He asked bluntly.

I just barely nodded.

He motioned towards the hall where the rest of the orphans were slowly making their way to; probably back to one of the far classrooms that was more than likely emptied for this specific event.

He moved to begin following the others but stopped when I stayed in place. "Come on," he said looking back at me once.

My head lowered till I was looking down at the wood floor but followed him nonetheless. There was no way out of this; it was meaningless to even try looking for a one.

We entered into the classroom at the end of the hall, there was a single desk with a computer and speakers set up on it; everything else had been cleared out.

All the other kids sat around the front of the desk, but I positioned myself a ways away from them in the back and tried to keep my nervous hands busy with one of the cubes I'd brought. Mello leaned against the far wall, the same expression graced his face but he seemed more focused. He looked more like he was waiting for something specific to happen.

It was only a few moments later, after Roger and one of the other female officials came in that the screen flickered on.

I instantly diverted my eyes away and fought against the temptation to look up. I had looked long enough to take note of the old English L that came on the screen as well as the camera that was mounted at the top of the screen.

He could see us, but we couldn't see him.

L could see me.

My hands began to shake, and heat up at the thought of being watched by him. I tried to focus on the cube in my hand and move the pieces into the places I wanted them to go, in order to distract myself. But somehow his scrambled voice found a way to penetrate my concentration.

"Good morning, everyone," he said. Behind all the scrambling I could still make out his natural voice. "I'm sorry this is so sudden. We were going to do this later but because of recent events, we decided to move this to now. I figured this would be a good chance to allow anyone to ask anything they want and I will answer it. It's a way to personally know more."

People's hands were already beginning to raise, ecstatic about getting the chance to get to ask the person they were trying to become any question they wanted.

I, on the other hand, tried to keep silent and block it all out.

I tried to imagine that I was not in this room. I was not being watched by the one I had once called my idol. I wasn't even sure if I could call him that anymore… but if I didn't then was I even qualified to be in this race to succeed him?

As he spoke, answering someone's question about his thoughts on past cases, memories began to surge through me.

I could hear every word he had ever told me during those 'meetings'.

"_With the way you are now you can't even hope to succeed me."_

"_How are you conceited enough to think you're any better than the others vying for that spot?"_

"_You're nothing; everything you've gotten was out of luck."_

"_I placed you in that position and I could just as easily take you out of it."_

They were all ways to make me fight just a little harder, to push myself a little more and comply with all of the things he wanted me to do. All of those sick acts that was done in the hopes of pleasure.

But there was no pleasure in it. There was only regret and disgust.

L had moved to another question while I was being overtaken by my memories. I didn't know how long it had been anymore, or how many questions he had answered. I hadn't even been aware enough to register his answers and observe them.

I was still slipping from my top spot…

"If you measured good and evil deeds by current laws, I would be responsible for many crimes." I closed my eyes and willed his voice out of my mind. I tried not to think about how right he was about that.

"The same way you all like to solve mysteries and riddles, or clear video games more quickly, for me too, it's simply prolonging something I enjoy doing." Oh, that's right, he's talking about justice.

If only they knew. None of them would call him justice.

I tried to fight against the memories of watching him cause so much physical pain to me. Tried not to re-live the feeling of his hands moving over so many places I didn't want them to. I desperately fought against the sensation that came back to me as I remembered the pain of being taken against my will the first time.

My hands stopped. The multi-colored cube was now complete again and I was without anything to keep my hands busy.

The memories took over and I could feel myself beginning to crack under them.

They were no longer only sensations filling me, but were not images to play across my eyes. I could see so many scenes of what we'd done all at once. I was disgusted with myself even more.

"Now," L's voice cut through my memories and only his voice reverberated in my head, "let's move to something a bit more specific."

Everything became silent. The air around me was thick; my heart desperately beat against my chest and my lungs begged me for air. But I couldn't breathe. I couldn't blink. I couldn't move. All I could do was wait for what I knew was coming next.

"Near." He said slowly, as if trying to be careful with my name.

I swallowed, hard but silently, and began to turn towards the screen.

"He's not here."

I froze instantly in place and my eyes followed everyone else's that flew to the far wall. To Mello. "Mello, what are you talking about?" One younger girl asked, frustrated at him.

But Mello's eyes were locked on the screen, and that alone. There was no emotion in them to show me what he was thinking, or what he was doing. All that I could read was the pure intensity being radiated off it.

"Why not?" L asked, almost as carefully as he had said my name.

"He didn't say."

L paused, "why do you think, Mello?"

"How the hell should I know, I don't know what he thinks! Maybe he just didn't want to." His expression only hardened.

"I see." L said, "well, when you can, tell him that in the future I'd like to discuss this case with him. I think he'd find some interest in it."

Mello's eyes narrowed towards him. Mistake. L probably said that probably in the hopes of getting to me (which he certainly succeeded, as I had to turn my whole gaze away from him), and to see Mello's reaction.

Mello's that impulsive, and L knows it. I couldn't help but wonder and fear what he saw in that at the same time.

"Fine." Mello answered.

There was a brief moment of silence around the room. The other orphans were looking between the three of us, simple observers to a story they didn't understand and thus had nothing to input. I wish they did though.

I wish they would turn back to their idol and talk to him again. I hate having their questioning eyes burning into my back. What are they expecting, for one of us to fill in the gaps to the story? It won't happen. I want them to turn back and let this scene go; I need to be out of their painful gazes.

A younger girl suddenly asked another question to L and I was relieved when the eyes seemed to turn away from me.

I waited another moment, till I was sure that they were all turned back towards L, then silently gathered up my stuff and stood up. If I was portrayed as not even being here, then I didn't want to remain here any longer.

Without a look to anyone else in the room, and before anyone could notice my movement, I left from the room out into the silent and empty orphanage.

A/N: So this kind of came out like I wanted. I think my descriptions were good but that's about it. What I REALLY wanted, was for there to be an underlying meaning to everything Mello and L said. But I couldn't think of any real blunt way to put it. So I had to stick with the simple stuff. Oh, and I didn't mean for L to be as OOC as he kind of seems.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	12. Believe

A/N: I don't know about this chapter. I mean, I say that a lot but this one kind of feels like chapter 8. When I didn't want to jump to the next part so I had to put it in? Only this time it's more for the effect the meeting with L had on Near. So, just a warning, this chapter is shorter than the others.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note! Or any of the characters!

Chapter 12: Believe

I had to get out of that room where everyone was. I had to get away from L. The very air inside of that room was enough to choke everything out of me.

I no longer had to escape that place for the sake of my comfort, but now it was for my own sake in it's entirety.

I could feel myself cracking as his vile words repeated over and over in my mind. They brought with them the promise of more 'meetings' to come. More pain. More disgust. More of everything I hated.

The building looked like it was deserted. There was no one around; barely any signs of life anymore. I was completely alone again and for a brief moment I regretted leaving the room. Being out here could prove to be just as bad as being locked in that rom.

I stopped at the empty common room and instantly went in, sitting down on the floor in my normal spot. My completed puzzles were spread out in front of me.

My hands shook too much to even consider trying to mess them up just so I could make it better again. It wouldn't matter anyway, no matter how many times I did them so long as I was the one touching them they'd never be as perfect as they could be.

I wasn't sure what was going on with me, my thoughts weren't my own and my actions were not under my control anymore.

"_I'd like to discuss a case with him." _That's what he had said… but it was the farthest thing from what he'd meant. I let my eyes close and tried to block out all of the images that invaded the black.

I was failing; the pain was coming back and rising to the surface faster than I could ever hope to control.

Just then I heard someone enter into the room; I knew who it was but I refused to open my eyes. Maybe I was trying to block out the reality I once only lived in, but I wasn't sure what I was replacing it with. What else was there that made any sense when reality was too hard to live in?

"Near." He said, standing in front of me now.

I stayed completely silent; not sure what to say.

"They're going to be done in there soon." He continued, "we should move, unless you want to be seen here." I could read the underlying meaning in his words. By 'here' he meant 'about to break down for the first time'.

How wrong he was though, I couldn't do that. Not here, not anywhere, or at any time. I couldn't...

"Why did you do that?" I asked; my eyes slipped open to gaze down at the carpet floor.

He sighed and I could hear the impatience, "do what?"

"In there."

He didn't respond for a long moment; then moved again and suddenly he was sitting in front of me. I continued to stare down at the floor. At any other time I knew watching him and trying to understand all of his different expressions would interest me. But now… I didn't want to know what I'd find laying on those features.

"What do you mean?" Again with the impatience, but this time mixed with frustration. I couldn't help but wonder why.

"Why did you tell L that I wasn't there? Are you oblivious enough to have missed the camera on the top of the monitor?" My words would certainly add fire to his growing annoyance with me. I wondered what he'd do then…

"Of course I knew it was there!" He said loudly; my eyes squeezed closed. "But I wasn't about to let him talk straight to you and send more messages your way."

"By doing what you did, he now knows that I told you."

"I don't care!"

"I do."

"Why?" He asked seriously.

I paused, considering over my words. "I don't know." I squeezed my eyes even tighter. I didn't want to ask him to leave simply because I didn't want to be left alone again. But his prying was making the option look even more appealing.

"Look," he placed his hand on my cheek and guided my face up till my eyes met his blue ones, "let L know that I know what he did. Maybe now he won't attempt anything like that anymore." I couldn't exactly place the softness in his eyes as he spoke; it was strange to not see quite as much firmness there.

"He will, Mello, it's obvious in the words he used. L can get away with anything he wants because of who he is. The next time he wants something all he has to do is say the word." I stated.

"You're too fucking pessimistic, Near." His fingers trailed up to the ends of my hair. I tried to move away from his touch, being this close left me so vulnerable, but he wouldn't let me. "All you would have to do is say that you'd rather not go."

"That's rather suspicious."

"It's better than complying with what he wants!"

I finally pulled away from his burning touch. But just as I looked back up to see the new expression lining his face he was suddenly there, uncomfortably close with my face held in both of his hands.

I desperately tried to look away from him, to look anywhere else but that burning gaze he was sending me. "Please don't touch me, Mello." I tried, but knew it would never work. He was too stubborn for that, and knew that I didn't have the phsyical ability to make him.

"Look at me, Near!" He said forcefully.

I stopped my attempts to get away as my eyes finally trailed back to his blue orbs. Something about my expression suddenly made him stop, a slight look of shock painted across his face. What was he seeing on me? Fear? Pain? Hesitance? What was lying in my eyes now?

His look hardened once again; more than likely dismissing whatever had stopped him. "I meant what I said when I said nothing would happen again. I know what I did when I let L know that I knew. I have everything under control, Near!"

I remained silent, too afraid of what he would do if I voiced my true doubts.

His hold on me tightened for only a moment before relaxing again; he must have realized what he was doing and registered the effects it would have. "You still don't believe me." He realized.

"How am I supposed to?" I quietly asked.

Mello watched me for a long moment and the look in his eyes said that if this had been any other situation, if he didn't know what had happened to me, he would have hit me; probably more than once.

Then all of a sudden he backed off me; but his eyes were still trained on my own. Feeling uncomfortable under the look I was finally the one to break the connection in order to look down at the floor.

I listened as he spoke, "Fine." He said in a normal tone that was obviously forced. He stood up and even then I refused to look up again, "internalize it all."

My eyes slipped closed as I felt my heart grip in my chest and I knew it was because I was allowing my only defense to walk away. It felt as though there was a new gaping hole in my chest now, but I wasn't sure why. Wasn't Mello just my defense and the one I needed to help me?

"We'll see what happens." I heard him say quietly as he reached the entrance to the common room.

A/N: Yep, definitely shorter than the other chapter. This chapter gave me more trouble than I thought it would originally. The good thing is that as I went on with this I got a good idea for how I can make the next chapter flow. So, more than likely the next chapter will be longer and better than this one.

More reviews encourages faster updates!

Please review all of your comments!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	13. Break

A/N: Alright so I've been planning on doing this chapter for a long time now. I have a lot of expectations going for this chapter. Blah, I hate being a perfectionist sometimes… it makes me not write things because I don't want to do them wrong. Which sucks. Whatever, we'll see what happens with this chapter. I'm sure all of you will enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note; and I never will. Simple and perfect!

Chapter 13: Break

_A veil of fog seemed to be lifted away from my eyes and suddenly I could see all of the things around me. All of those things that were painfully familiar to me._

_The perfectly made bed that was fit for an action furthest from immaculate._

_The darkness around the room that made it all feel just as evil._

_Even the closed door to the left of me that blocked out the rest of the world and assured that no one would ever know what went on here._

_I could feel my heart race as I looked around and tried to find a way out of this place. In the back of my mind I knew that if I didn't… the actions that would ensue…_

_I would have made for the door in the hopes of escape but I was frozen in place and the only thing I could control was my eyes. My body began to heat up as I grew more and more nervous by the second; my heart raced and my lungs couldn't get enough oxygen out of the short, panicked breaths I was taking._

_All of a sudden there came the sound of someone coming up behind me; I tried not to let myself believe that I already knew who it was._

_The feeling of hands exploring over my abdomen and chest while cold lips touched my neck greeted me. I didn't even have the ability to shut my eyes to help my desperate attempts to block it all out._

"_Near." Came my once idol's voice against my skin, "what do you think about this case?"_

"_What case?" I found myself asking. _

_He bit down on my neck, hard, and I involuntarily let out a whimper of pain. But I didn't have the ability to move away from him. "Don't play dumb, you know exactly what I'm talking about."_

"_I don't." I said._

_He bit down again till I could swear he broke the skin and his exploring hands, which had moved under my shirt, stopped. "So you've forgotten?"_

"_Yes." My words admitted without getting any clarification from me before speaking._

_After another moment of nothing I was violently pushed down onto the mattress where I somehow regained my ability to move for myself, but still my fear and nerves restricted my actions greatly._

_I turned to look at my captor just as he suddenly flipped me to my back and ripped away the material covering my top half; again his hands began to explore and this time his nearly non-existent nails dug hard into my skin._

"_No!" I said, trying to worm my way out from under his grasp, "L!" _

_He cut off any more words I could have said with a violent kiss that left me without any air. He held me in place so I couldn't break the assault his tongue made into my own mouth. His taste was disgusting and made me feel as such and want to vomit at the same time._

_I was aware enough to notice when his hands moved down to my pants and began slipping them off me. I began to fight as the tears sprang to my eyes instantly. _

"_No, L!" I tried when finally he granted me space so he could begin moving downwards. _

"_Don't tell me what to do. I control you, Near." He stated with his coal eyes meeting my slightly lighter ones for a moment before he moved to the one place that always hurt me the most. My body became rigid in a silent protest._

"_Near!" I suddenly heard called from somewhere that wasn't L. I didn't know where exactly it was coming from though._

"_Please." I tried. But I suddenly felt the pain that always came and that was made worse from my resistance. I couldn't help the strangled cry that escaped my lips._

"_Near!" Again came the sound without any source. I felt the strange need to move towards it, but I was locked down in place with the pain and disgust._

"_You'll do as I say, Near." L said, "No one wants you, you know? Everyone hates you because you're better than them. You drive everyone away from you. I'm the only one who will ever care in any way for you."_

_I willed my eyes closed but they didn't comply and I was forced to see only him with his eyes full of lust and promise of more deviance to come._

"_Damn it, Near!" The voice that for some reason filled me with a sense of hope was doing nothing to help at the moment. If it was only there to fill me with a false hope then it was doing a good job of only adding to the pain by showing me an escape I could never reach._

_Finally, somehow, my eyes slipped closed but the pain from L's actions continued. I strangled out another pleading, "no."_

Just then my eyes snapped open and I had just enough time to register my surroundings.

I was back in my own room, but Mello was positioned over top of me with an expression I didn't recognize on his face. Before I could observe it long enough to tell what it was I took notice of his drawn back hand.

Then suddenly he let it loose and slapped me hard across the face.

My instincts took over at that moment and I moved without needing to think about it. Somehow I forced myself out from under him and moved as far away from the blonde as my bed would allow; which wasn't anywhere close to the space I wanted between us.

But to get further away would mean having to be closer so I could slip around him; I wasn't willing to give in to that yet. So instead I curled myself up into as tight of a ball as I could against my headboard and tried not to look at him.

"Don't touch me!" I said pleadingly, "please, don't." My eyes squeezed closed both from the pain of hearing my own words and out of pure desperation.

"Shit! Near, you wouldn't wake up, sorry." His rushed voice tried to convey to me.

"So you hit me?" I asked quietly and carefully as the effects of my nightmare began to rest on my memory; making me curl even more into myself.

"You were screaming! I was ready to do anything to shut you up again before anyone woke up." He explained.

I stayed silent.

After a long, silent minute he spoke again, "you want me to apologize again?" He asked quietly, obviously lowering his pride enough for this one moment. "I'm sorry, alright? Would you rather Roger or anyone else come banging down your door first wondering why you were screaming, and then wondering why I'm in here?"

"Why _are_ you in here?" I asked. We had fought earlier this afternoon. Well… he had gotten mad at me, anyway. Earlier tonight, when I went to bed and he didn't show up I had figured he was still mad.

"Doing what I normally do." He said it so naturally, as though he'd been doing this for years and it really was just a normal thing.

"You were mad at me earlier." I stated.

"Whatever." The tone in his voice left me no room to pry more into the reasons behind the actions.

We were silent for another long few moments before he finally spoke again; this time his tone was quieter, and softer, "another nightmare?" He asked.

I nodded.

"Tell me about it."

"You already know what it's about." I said back defensively.

"I want to hear you tell me, Near."

His words left me without anything to retort. But did I really trust him enough to speak such words to him and let him know exactly what I had dreamed, which was basically the same as what had happened for a month and a half?

My eyes rose from their downward position up to him, where I commenced in reading into his expression. His blue eyes were deep with interest and an underlying sense of sadness. It was then that I remembered the look in his eyes when I awoke, and now I finally understood what it had been. Worry.

His hands, with their flawless skin, were soft now; unlike the previous action they had taken out on me. I wondered how exactly it was such soft looking hands could cause such actions of violence all the time.

I silently sighed in defeat knowing that I had to tell him. This was not about my own comfort with the situation and the events being discussed. Instead, it was about my ability to heal. And I've always seen in other cases that the first way to heal is to first admit to it.

Telling him would be admitting it… I needed to.

"I…" the thoughts of it were easy enough to rest on and to let play past my eyes, but speaking the words seemed like poison to my lips. "I was paralyzed in place in a hotel room quite similar to the ones L would normally reside in." I began to explain, letting the words come to me instead of forcing them out in a perfected manor.

"L was behind me, I could feel his hands exploring over my stomach and my chest while he began to question me on some case; he wanted to know what I thought on it. I didn't know what he was talking about so I told him that. He bit me hard on the neck as punishment.

"When he assumed I had forgotten, I was thrown rather violently to the mattress in front of me. He ripped open my shirt and this time his nails dug into my skin as his hands then roamed."

I paused, giving him the opportunity to stop me or to say something at all. But he remained silent.

"I begged him to stop but he stopped my attempts with a violent kiss that left me suffocating while his hands moved… further on." I hoped he understood the meaning of that; I was uncomfortable enough without having to go into that much detail.

"He told me not to try controlling him; I tried begging again as he continued on. There was so much pain from it. He didn't care though, he commenced in telling me that no one is ever going to want me and how I would only be his."

I decided to leave out the detail about the calling from the dream. If that had not been Mello then I did not want to have him thinking I was crazy.

"And then after a few more moments of this severe pain and his continued words I got the ability to close my eyes again. And when I reopened them I had woken up." I finished.

Mello continued to stay quiet; his eyes observed me from top to bottom and I resisted the urge to move away from his gaze. He watched me for a long minute that felt more like an hour.

Finally I heard a slow exhale of breath before he began to speak, "Near, do you trust me?"

I paused for a moment, considering over it one last time before I finally nodded once. If I didn't trust him in any way then I would not have admitted to him all of the painful details of my nightmare.

"Then just trust me now, I'm not going to hurt you." He gave a half-hearted chuckle, "if I had really wanted to I would have done it earlier."

I was silent as I waited for him to continue.

"Come here." He ushered for me to come closer to him.

I only pushed further into the wood of the headboard, suddenly put on high alert at his request. He'd just slapped me, how did he expect me to trust him that much after an action like that?

"You said you trusted me, Near, I won't hurt you."

I still didn't say anything as I tried to decide whether I wanted to fight my precautious and logical mind.

Though finally and most hesitantly I loosened the tight grip I had over myself till I was no longer curled up and moved closer to him. My eyes darted from his hands up to his face to watch for any sudden change.

When I was close enough to him, he spoke again, "can I touch you?" I was startled by this, I've never seen Mello really ask to do anything. Normally he just does whatever he wants, whether he thinks it through or not.

The fact that he was asking, and not just acting on impulse showed to me that he already had everything planned out. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious about his ideas.

So hesitantly I gave a small nod and waited to see what he'd do.

Slowly and with hesitance hidden deep underneath his composed actions he leaned forward enough to encircle his arms around me and pulled my body closer to his.

I let him move me as he wanted, with my curiosity blanketing over the normal burning sensation I got from people's touch. He pulled me onto his lap and kept his arms around me; my own finally found their way around his middle as well and I let my head rest on his shoulder.

I was surprised at how natural these actions seemed to come to me.

This felt so much different from normal physical contact. There was no pain anywhere in me now, no burning, and no discomfort. There was simply Mello and myself.

"Mello…" my words trailed off and I was unable to find them.

"I'll make you believe me, Near, believe that I have everything under control and that nothing will happen. I'd kill L before I let him touch you again. I'm sorry that happened; if I could, I'd go back and make sure it didn't, or at least see the signs beforehand."

My hands clutched at the material of his black shirt and I unconsciously buried my face further into him, desiring so much more of the comfort that seemed to seep into me from him. I could feel tears threatening to fall.

"I'll be here for anything you want to tell me. It'll help you not have to keep that all locked away."

I didn't know why but more painful memories of those dreaded 'meetings' began to flood my once black vision and within a single moment the tears began to silently fall.

In the back of my mind I knew that this was the first moment, after nearly two months, that I had finally broken and given in to the pain I had so desperately tried to disguise, and tried to make nonexistent, with numbness.

There would be no fighting this; so I didn't even attempt it.

I allowed the tears I could no longer fight slip from my closed eyes and fall, more than likely staining the black material of Mello's shirt. My grip tightened over him; the last thing I wanted was for him to leave me now. Part of me felt that that would hurt me a lot more than any of those 'meetings' ever could.

"Near," I heard his confusion in just the utterance of my name, "are you crying?" There was disbelief there too.

"I'm so sorry." I admitted, though not quite sure what I was apologizing for. "I can't speak of everything that happened now, since it is too painful for words. But… I would very much like to break for just a single moment." I was nearly begging for permission to break under the weight of it all; I didn't know what to think of that other than how very weak I was.

"I get it, go ahead." He said quietly.

With his words I let the tears go into light sobs and let all the defenses I had built to counter the gaping wounds fall. I felt Mello's grip over me only tighten, as if telling me through his actions that he was there.

"Tell me," I tried to make my words understandable, "why this method? You hate me, Mello." The last words were painful to utter. I didn't want to think that at the end of everything he would simply go back to hating me.

"I don't know how true that is anymore. In this whole time I've seen you so differently than before." He explained, "I've never seen you so… so…"

He seemed at a loss for words, but I needed to know. Never seen me so what? So broken? So pitiful? So disgusting? "So what, Mello?"

"So human."

A/N: Ah! I love that last line! I've been planning that last part (from "tell me" down) for probably the last month! It was perfect! But on the other hand… Rawr! Mello seemed so OOC here! Well, I thought so anyway. Anyway, no more rambling this time. I'm actually quite pleased, overall, with this.

Tell me what you think! All comments are welcomed! Even you, anonymous people, I care about the thoughts going on in your mind!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	14. Observation

A/N: So this is another two part thing where I've combined two ideas I had. One of which I believe was my own and the other from **Insanitoon (Thank you!)**. I think it'll work nicely for what I have planned for the remained of this story. Still no idea how much longer this story will be and it's too depressing to try and estimate.

Thanks to everyone who's been reviewing, by the way, I love you all!! But don't stop now please! Your reviews really help!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or anything from it.

Chapter 14: Observation

The next morning seemed to come too quickly; the night didn't provide me enough hours to fully think over everything Mello had said and lock all the painful things away once again.

That night, time all seemed to meld together and I could only hope and wish in the back of my mind that it would never end. I had never felt comfort before in the same way I had while being held in Mello's arms.

But my body willed this not to continue as one moment I was being silently held in the pair of arms I never thought I'd feel, and the next the morning light was cutting through my black haze of sleep.

Even with my eyes closed I knew I was laying down, but there was something else as well.

I was cold; the blankets covering me seemed to do little to help alleviate that anymore. But as I drew the material closer to me I knew that that was not the warmth I was searching for.

No, I was searching for a warmth that brought comfort and safety with it as well; a level which put the walls of my room and even my own bed to shame.

My eyes slipped open to meet the bright morning light shining through my window, then moved down to the side of the bed hopingly.

There, thankfully, is found what I was looking for.

Mello was there, lying in his odd, uncomfortable way; the difference from every other night was that now he was facing me. My eyes watched his serene form and for a moment I contemplated my want… no, my need.

Then, before my logical mind could get in the way I spoke up, "Mello." My voice was just at a whisper level.

I waited a moment for him to respond at all. "Mello." I said again when he made no movement.

This time when he did nothing I hesitantly reached out and lightly shook the arm that was closest to me and cradling his head.

His brow creased in protest, but I knew he was slowly being drawn more and more into consciousness. Then, finally, his blue eyes slipped open and landed on me, "hm?" He asked without moving.

I wasted no time to let myself think over the actions, my fingers wrapped onto the black cloth on his sleeve and I gently tugged towards me.

His expression turned to confusion but he didn't move any more than that. I continued lightly tugging while beginning to fight with the growing pain in my heart that told me I was being, or going to be, rejected.

Finally though, he began to move, letting me direct what he did.

I pulled till he was forced onto the bed with me; only then did I feel him tense. "Near?" He asked, lying down on his back with his blue eyes trained on me.

I didn't respond; I only let myself move in closer to his side with my eyes slipping closed again. The warmth of his body so close to me began to bring back the same comfort I had felt the previous night.

After a moment I felt his arm, that was closest to me, wrap around me; hesitantly he placed his arm on my side. My fingers gripped onto the material of his shirt so he couldn't move away… I wasn't ready to move from here yet.

I could feel his eyes on me, more than likely he was wide awake by now; even more so now because of my sudden actions.

"Near?" He asked again. Despite his lack of words I knew he was questioning my actions.

"You comfort me." I stated quietly.

I felt him tense beside me and I cursed myself for saying the words. I probably should have just kept quiet… I could only hope the simple honesty in my statement didn't drive him to put more space between us.

I wasn't sure how I'd react should this feeling be taken from me too.

Thankfully though, I felt him begin to relax; the fingers on the hand that was lying on me began to draw indistinct patterns on my side. I couldn't help but focus on the small movements.

"Please don't tell anyone about last night." I requested.

He scoffed, "as if I would."

I stayed silent, holding back the urge to tell him that he _would_ be the one to say anything. Instead, I finally changed the subject, "thanks." I said near a whisper.

"For what?" I couldn't place the questioning tone in his voice.

I stayed silent; surely he'd have to understand.

"Oh," he finally said, "whatever." There was a detached tone now in his voice that made my grip on him unconsciously tighten.

Just then, he suddenly turned till he was laying on his side facing me; I could feel his blue eyes continue to watch me. Surprisingly though, I didn't feel the need to get out from under the stare.

What effect was Mello having over me?

"No more nightmares?" Mello suddenly asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

My eyes slipped open and fell onto his blue eyes; the moment I looked into them I was instantly locked in place, unable to look anywhere else.

"No." I said quietly.

A small smile that could have been confused with a smirk passed across his features and still somehow seemed to light them up brighter than the morning sun. "Good, then it helped."

I just barely nodded as I finally tore my gaze away from him to look down at the mattress between us. I didn't want to admit the shame that I felt for having to have him see me so… hopelessly weak.

"We should get up now before anyone comes looking for you." He stated.

I lightly shook my head, knowing that I didn't want to move from here unless I absolutely had to. I knew that moving from this room, or even letting Mello leave, meant everything that had happened last night would be forgotten for the façade of being normal around others.

I didn't want that.

I wanted Mello, this Mello, to stay and keep the nightmares that lurked behind my eyelids away.

His eyes felt softer on me now, as if they understood, and he let those attempts drop. His fingers lightly continued their movements on my side.

-

I wasn't sure how much longer it had been since that time, my consciousness continued to fall away and come back to me, but I never really fell back into sleep.

I could feel Mello's eyes continue to watch me; for once without the firmness or intensity they normally held around others. I wanted to look at them and memorize the way they looked should this be a one-time thing. But on the other hand I didn't want to meet his eyes and risk having him see past my emotionless veil.

So we stayed silent and I allowed the morning to pass us by.

Then, all of a sudden, a light knock came on my door. My eyes snapped open instantly and moved up to Mello where I could see his mind was already working.

He didn't give me any warning when he suddenly pulled away from me and moved back onto the floor; this time on the other side of the bed that couldn't be seen from the doorway.

I felt a painful chill of cold from just his absence. But I had to be natural… I had to act as though even the small space between us didn't bother me.

"Yes?" I finally asked, sitting up and moving my eyes over to my door as it began to open.

Roger appeared in the doorway, "Good morning, Near." He said with a kind smile on his face.

"Good morning, Roger." I said politely.

"Everyone's getting their medical examination today so be sure to stay where we can find you later this afternoon, alright?" Roger said.

My body went rigid but somehow I found the ability to nod in response.

He smiled again and turned to leave. But just before he could begin closing the door again he turned back to me, "oh, Near, have you seen Mello today? No one can seem to find him."

I held back the urge to let my eyes drift down to the floor where I knew Mello was. "No, I haven't Roger. Have you checked outside, or spoken to Matt yet?" The curious part of me couldn't help but wonder why Roger had asked me, seeing as he knew I hadn't been out of my room today.

"I haven't, I'll do that." He said before turning back away from me and finally closing the door again.

The moment the door clicked into place Mello shot up from where he had been. I watched as his lips parted to begin speaking but instantly I placed a finger at my lips in an attempt to keep him silent.

He watched me with much question, as well as the look like I was paranoid. I let that go and let my grey eyes drift back to the door.

After another moment I heard the sound of Roger's shoes click against the wood floor as he began to walk away. Only when I was positive he was out of hearing range did I let my finger drop from my lips.

Mello took the 'okay' instantly, "those stupid examination things again?" He asked, obviously irritated.

I was silent as I thought about it. Roger had a system set up for us that brought in a doctor from the city every two months to check each of the orphans here. This was because we were rarely allowed off of the orphanage grounds and thus could not go get check-ups for ourselves.

I had to admit, I had always thought that every two months was being a little too precautious.

"I hate those things; all they ever do is just poke and prod with cold instruments. It's stupid." The blonde continued on as he stood up.

I nodded but otherwise remained silent. This would be the first medical examination I had gone through since those 'meetings' started. I tried not to even think about how I would react to this situation.

Mello began moving towards the door, "come on, better get down there before Roger comes back."

"I'll meet you down there." I said quietly.

Mello turned to look at me; I watched as his eyes drifted over my entirety but never said a word. "I'd like to shower first." I elaborated.

He finally nodded in understanding then went out the door, leaving me with the silence and cold of my room.

I looked down at my hands that lay on my lap. I didn't _want_ to move. I didn't _want_ to face the day, or go to that medical examination. But I had to only because it would look suspicious if I didn't.

And after the events that took place yesterday, the last thing I needed was another reason to have people wondering.

-

It was later on that afternoon and things had not gotten better in the least. My hesitance about being alone in the clinic room with that doctor had not let up.

They called each orphan alphabetically, and with each one they called I calculated how many more there were before I was called to go.

First they called Matt, then when the gamer came back Mello was instructed to go; that's when I became most nervous.

I knew I was next.

In a hopeless attempt to both escape and distract myself I built up a fortress of legos around myself. It didn't help, I didn't feel like I had escaped anything.

"Near." Came Mello's sudden voice after what only felt like a minute's time. Had they really finished with him that quickly? I turned and just barely looked back at him. "It's your turn." I couldn't place the look in his eyes as he spoke. It was an expression somewhere between hesitance and his normal annoyance with me.

Ever so cautiously I stood up from my small fortress of legos and made my way past him to the empty hallway. I wanted him to come with me, I wanted him to be in the room with me and for him to calm me down and assure me that my worries were stupid and that nothing would happen.

But there was no way for me to ask without drawing attention to myself from others.

So cautiously I continued down the abandoned hallway to the open room with the sign hanging beside the open door that read, 'clinic'.

The room was painfully bright, but I tried not to let that bother me as I stood in the doorway; my fingers trailing up to twirl a strand of my white hair. Against one of the crisp white counters was the male doctor that always did the examinations; he looked to be filling out the last part of Mello's chart.

Closing the folder, finally, he turned to me and his brown eyes locked on mine. "Hello Near." He said with a smile.

I was silent.

"If you step in here, we can begin your examination." He said, standing up from the rolling chair.

I did as he said, taking a couple of steps into the room so he could move past me and close the door. When I heard the click of the door I could feel my heart rate increase as I suddenly felt too disconnected with the rest of the building. I tried not to let any emotion cross my features, any slip and I was sure this doctor would notice it.

The male doctor commenced in taking my weight, my height, and the other mandatory, routine figures.

I was sitting on the examining table, feeling much like a specimen, when he turned to me from where he had been jotting things in my file. "Alright," he said, "could you'd please take off your shirt so I can listen to your heart."

He took off the stethoscope from around his neck as he stood up and took a step closer to me; still I didn't move.

"Is that really necessary?" I questioned, forcing myself to meet his eyes.

He gave me a confused look, as if he was examining me even more just because of my question, "I'm afraid it is. It'll only take a moment."

There was no way around this, and I knew it. If I fought too much against it I'd bring more suspicion to myself, which I was positive he would write down on my chart. But at the same time I didn't want him to see any more of my skin than what I couldn't cover up. Just the thought of his eyes laying on me made me want to writhe away from him.

But, finally, and so slowly, my fingers finally found the buttons of my shirt and my shaking fingers undid each one until the only thing left was to slip it off my shoulders.

Closing my eyes and with a deep breath I forced the white material off of my and held it firm in my lap. I felt so exposed.

I could feel his eyes watching me as he stepped closer to me, then suddenly without warning the flat, cold head of the stethoscope pressed against my upper chest. I fought every urge in my body that screamed for me to escape this.

My eyes opened as he requested I breathe in deeply, then out. As I repeated the action for him I noticed something interesting.

His eyes were not on his hands or his instrument at all. Instead, they were pointed downwards.

But before I could question him, he moved around to my back, repeating the action; this time when the coldness touched my skin out of instinct I pulled away.

"You're shaking, Near." He told me, but I already knew that.

"Yes." I said quietly as I continued the deep breaths.

"Why?"

I hesitated for only a moment, "I don't like being touched." It was a reasonable enough of an answer, and true as well.

He moved away from me and placed his instrument around his neck again, but instead of going back to the chart as I predicted he would, he came back around in front of me.

Before I could see into what he was doing his cold hands reached out and took one of my bare arms that was resting with my shirt in my lap.

My heart dropped from my chest as I realized what he saw, and what he had been looking at before.

I tried to retract my arm but he was strong enough to hold me in place as his eyes looked over the numerous small red lines that were still visible. The old lacerations didn't bleed anymore and had healed well already but they still left my otherwise pale white skin pink around the lines.

"Where did you get these?" He asked.

I didn't know what to tell him. I couldn't tell him the truth, that I had done them to myself, but I couldn't lie either. The only lie that I could think would make sense wasn't worth saying. I couldn't get Mello in trouble like that.

"I fell in glass." It was a stupid lie, it made no sense and both of us knew that. I wasn't sure why I had allowed myself to speak and say the lie, but for some reason I had and now I knew that he was reading more and more into what the truth was.

He suddenly let go of me and stepped away, "you may put your shirt back on now." I didn't need to be told twice. I slipped it back on, but as I was doing up the buttons on the front again his voice cut through my mind that was quickly trying to think of some plan, "but after that you must come with me."

My actions didn't falter at all, I was too careful for that, but all of my thoughts were suddenly forced to a standstill.

Where did this doctor plan on taking me? More than likely to Roger's office.

Once I finished re-doing my shirt he moved over to the door, with a hard look on his face that I couldn't read past, and motioned for me to follow him.

I did as told, sliding off the table and over to where he had opened the door into the hallway, and thankfully connecting me with everything else that I knew.

He walked in front of me with his hands in the pockets of his white coat and I stayed behind him with my head pointed slightly towards the ground. I couldn't help but feel like a child that was about to be scolded.

As we walked past the common room entrance to get to the entryway where the stairs would lead up, I felt as though I didn't have the ability, nor the desire to look in to see if Mello and Matt were still in there.

If they were I hoped Mello didn't notice this passing by.

But, unfortunately my luck wasn't with me today.

"Near." At the sound of his voice I couldn't fight the will to let my eyes trail up to where he stood in the doorway, a bar of chocolate at his lips. He looked so natural in his actions, but the same didn't meet his eyes. "The hell is going on?" He asked, blue eyes flicking over to where the doctor had stopped a few feet ahead of me.

I said nothing. What could I say? How could I convey to him that this doctor had found me lacerations and I was now I was almost positive he was taking me to Roger?

"I have to go see Roger." I said in my normal, blank tone.

"Why?" He asked, confusion written on his face.

My eyes slowly trailed down to my arms that hung limply at my sides; hopefully his gaze followed where mine went. I then looked back at him, but used my left hand to lightly scratch my right arm, directly over top of where the lacerations were.

"Near." The doctor said.

I looked back at him and let my head fall to where it had been before; then continued on. I could only hope that Mello got the idea, and that he knew me well enough to know that I didn't want him to do anything stupid.

A/N: So… not exactly the best ending to a chapter in the world but it was pretty long and pretty good! So, what's going to happen next? What's Mello going to do? What's Roger going to say? What's Near going to tell him? Well… I guess you'll have to wait and find out in the next chapter!

More reviews encourage faster updates!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	15. Punishment

A/N: Sorry for the disappointment the last 'chapter' caused. I know you guys were expecting a real chapter from that but, what can I say, i need to get the word about that poll out! I mean, **if not enough people votes then I can't go on** because I don't know what direction I'm moving in. So, if you haven't voted, please do. Anyway, here's the REAL chapter 15... And thanks to all that reviewed and who voted!! Please keep voting!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters involved in this.

Chapter 15: Punishment

Before I knew it I was seated on one of the wooden chairs in Roger's office. A tense silence filled the room after the doctor who had done the examination on me finished explaining what he had found.

He had no mercy in holding back any details. He came right out and stated that the lacerations on my arm were, no doubt, self inflicted.

Roger tried to act in my defense, saying that I would never do such a thing, but the doctor forced me to reveal the marks. That was the evidence that left Roger silent.

Which is what brought us to our current situation.

Each of the adults looked between each being and willed someone to say something. I could read in each of their silences that we all had our reasons for remaining silent.

The doctor's was simply because he was waiting for one of us to say something; more than likely he was waiting for Roger to take control of the situation.

Roger's reason was probably because he was contemplating who's side to believe. Me, who he's known for so long and knows how I normally act. And this doctor, who has provided significant proof to support his theory.

As for myself, I knew it was only a matter of time before one of them asked me for either my reasons behind the actions or an explanation of how I got the marks. I was trying to conjure up sufficient lies that I thought they would buy.

"Well." Roger intertwined his finger on the desk as his eyes looked down in thought, "I've heard your story, Dr. Addison, now let me hear your side of the story, Near." He requested, moving his gaze up to me as he spoke.

I was silent for another moment, trying to sort everything that I wanted to say out before I started speaking. It would sound more realisic if I could put a believable story out the first time without having to go back and cover over any flaws later.

But the feeling of their eyes burning into me did nothing to ease the pressure of it. I didn't even want to begin thinking of the consequences that would ensure if Roger believed this doctor over me.

"What he is saying," I began without looking at any of them, "is a lie."

I could feel the doctor's eyes harden on me. That was nothing new; his heated glance that urged me into speaking the truth was nothing compared to Mello's.

"I merely fell onto some broken glass, as I told Dr. Addison before."

"Where was this broken glass?" The doctor asked suspiciously.

"Are you covering something up, Near?" Roger asked nearly simultaneously with the other adult.

Finally my grey eyes moved up to look at each of them as I tried to determine which one I would answer first. I had to wonder if answering one over the other would determine which side Roger would believe.

"It was in my science class. I fell while carrying some glass beakers and when they broke I fell onto the pieces." I stated. "And no, Roger, I am not trying to cover anything up." I wondered what he meant by that even as i denied it.

Did he really mean, 'are you covering for someone who might have done this to you'? That certainly was an interesting thought.

"So there were witnesses, then?" My gaze moved over to the doctor as I wondered if he knew just who he was throwing his questions at; if he thought he could really play detective and get away with it.

If I was as outspoken in my words as a certain blonde that I wished was here, I would have told him to stick to his chosen occupation. He was dealing with the next person in line to succeed the three greatest detectives in the world. I was trained to know how to lie on the spot. Did he really think he was superior to me in this field?

I might have been broken from what my idol has done, but I wasn't in such a state to let just anyone get an upper hand over me and in turn let myself fail again.

"No." I stated, my eyes drifting over to him but never fully meeting his brown orbs. "It was after everyone had left."

"Why didn't you go to the clinic, Near?" Roger asked suspiciously.

"I knew I could take care of it myself." I felt my heart rate increase as I began to wonder if they were seeing past my lie. My expression remained the same, but on the inside I was dealing with much turmoil.

"This doesn't add up." Roger said, nearly under his breath but still loud enough for everyone to hear.

This wasn't good, I was being seen through! If Roger found out what I had done to myself more than likely he would put me under constant surveillance as well as many other types of punishments or things to try and 'help' me; I couldn't deal with that kind of thing in my current state.

I quickly began to rake through my mind in a desperate attempt to resolve this issue.

All of a sudden, the door to Roger's office slammed open. I couldn't help but let my eyes follow along with everyone else's to see who had come to Roger's office.

I froze suddenly in place.

Mello stood in the doorway, his eyes locked on Roger's in an expression that could kill. I noticed his fists clenched at his side and the hard expression burning in his blue eyes.

"Mello?" My quiet voice slipped out as I tried to figure out what his reasons for being here were.

"Shut up, Near." He said without giving me a single look as he stepped in and slammed the door closed once again. "Don't say a thing." His tone gave me no room to argue.

"You idiots have got it all wrong!" He said, standing in front of Roger's desk.

I held back the urge that other people in this situation would have had to widen their eyes in both surprise and realization as I suddenly understood what Mello was doing.

"Mello, what are you talking about?" Roger asked.

"What I mean, Roger, is that _I'm_ the one that gave Near those cuts." He stated surely.

'Mello,' I thought, falsely hoping that somehow he'd be able to hear my question, 'Why are you doing this?'

"You?" Dr. Addison asked, condescendingly.

Mello's blue eyes shot over to him in a hot glare, "yeah, me."

"Mello," Roger said, drawing the blonde's attention back to him, "why are you confessing to this? It's not like you at all."

'Yes, Mello,' I thought, 'why are you confessing to something you didn't do?'

Mello's eyes narrowed at Roger, "because if he gets in trouble for something he didn't do then I won't get to mess with him anymore. I'd get bored if that happened, and God only know what would happen then."

He'd thought this out, I could tell. Either that or he was very good at lying on the spot; I certainly envied that quality.

"Why would you do that?" The doctor asked with a tone in his voice that said he was partially sickened.

"Mello and Near don't have the best relationship." Roger answered, his eyes drifting over to the side where Dr. Addison was standing, looking slightly confused.

"I hate him." Mello stated in a solid tone that would be believable to anyone. I felt my heart wrench in my chest at the words and the intensity in Mello's eyes. It was the same look he used to always give me after hitting me, or knocking over my towers; that look that swore his pure hatred for me.

"But why would you… and why did Near give us the story with the beakers?" The doctor asked.

"I hate Near. I despise him." The venomous tone stated that that had been his reason. "I threatened him afterwards that if he told anyone I would kill him."

Roger and the doctor were silent; I couldn't tear my eyes off of the blonde, who had just come in and taken complete control over the situation. But at what price? What would happen to him now for the claimed actions?

"Is this true, Near?" Roger asked me, and in that instant all eyes in the room fell onto me.

But only one pair really mattered to me.

I stared back into Mello's crisp blue eyes that were now emotionless and showed me nothing as to what he wanted to happen. What did he want me to say? Did he really want me to go along with his story and get him in trouble for something he really didn't do?

I wasn't confident that my conscience wouldn't allow me to go along with that after what Mello's done.

With a silent sigh, I finally gave a small, weak nod.

Roger sighed just loud enough to be heard, which, thankfully, brought everyone's attention back to him and off of me.

"Alright, Mello, what punishment am I to give you for this one? This is certainly one of the more severe things that you've done. If there was any before, there's no doubt now that you and Near just cannot get along."

Mello shot me a look at those words, but I couldn't meet it… the guilt I had for getting him in trouble was beginning to fill me.

"So what am I to do with you?" Roger asked to no one in particular as he rested his chin on his folded hands and let his eyes close.

"Alright Mello," he said, "You will be on severe restriction for the time being. Your free time will be severely limited and in it's place you will be given more work, the number of chocolate bars you are permitted will be cut back, and you are to not be in the same room as Near under any circumstances. Do you understand?"

Only then did I allow my eyes to move over to Mello. He didn't look any different now than he had a moment ago; even the intense look in his eyes was still there. What I wouldn't give to know what was going on in that mind of his.

He finally nodded. "Can I go now?" He asked firmly.

Roger nodded and without sparing another look at me, he left again.

"Near," Roger said, "you wait here for another few moments and then you may go as well." He said; I knew it was so Mello could get wherever he wanted to go and I wouldn't have to be around him.

But I wanted to be around him; especially now. I wanted to confront him and get him to tell me what he was thinking. I wanted to know what he planned to do now that he wasn't allowed to be in the same room as me.

I didn't want to think that this really was some way for him to have to get out of having to be around me. That didn't make sense anyway.

After a silent minute I was excused and I stood up and left from the room just as silently as I had coming in.

Unfortunately the hallway that Roger's office was in was now deserted. I made my way back to the common room in the hopes that I would find the blonde there.

But neither he, nor Matt were there now.

My heart clenched and fell from my chest when I saw this. Word of Mello's new punishment would surely spread quickly though the orphanage, so searching for him would look odd when I was the one that signed him to the punishment.

I returned back to the legos that I had left behind and began fiddling with them, most unenthusiastically. The cold plastic felt even more unwelcoming against my skin and I couldn't seem to shake the sick feeling that now rested inside me as I tried to rebuild up the fortress around me.

I needed protection in order to think about what had just happened and where that left me in this mess.

-

Later on that evening I sat up in bed with only the light from my bedside table on as I waited.

It had to be past ten by now. Everyone was asleep; the sounds from the other rooms and from the floor below had evened out into the solid silence that night always lay over the building.

My body felt tired and I constantly fought the battle with myself to keep my eyes open. I didn't want to sleep without that needed form of comfort here. I was afraid of the nightmares that lurked behind my eyelids when Mello wasn't here.

Every minute I hoped that my door would open and he would slip in, but as each minute passed it never did and my hopes fell just a bit more.

I was about to simply give up and go to bed with my nightmares when all of a sudden a soft knock that was just barely audible came on my door.

My heart leapt in my chest for reasons I didn't know and a wave of happiness flooded through me. "Yes?" I said quietly, feeling as though any louder of a tone would have been heard around the entire building.

"Near." Came Mello's voice from the other side of the door, "Come here." He sounded different, but I couldn't place why.

After a single moment where I let my confusion blanket me, I got up from my bed and went over to the door. Though, the moment I placed my hand on the cold doorknob and began to turn it, his voice stopped me, "don't."

"Mello?" Since when did he ever listen to the punishments put in place for him?

"Roger has officials checking on me randomly so I can't risk it right now. But if I hear them coming up the stairs from out here then I can claim I'm just walking around." I could tell this wasn't just some impulsive move.

I listened as a sudden sliding noise broke the silence that'd taken over after he spoke; if I guessed right, he'd slid down my door and was now leaning with his back against it.

I mimicked the actions precisely enough that I felt it was a good possibility that, if it wasn't for the door, we'd be sitting back-to-back.

"Why did you do that? You didn't have to." I suddenly asked, just loud enough so I knew he'd be able to hear me.

"And let you get in trouble for that? You know Roger would have dealt out a worse punishment if he had believed that doctor over your stupid story."

"You were listening?" I asked.

"The doors aren't that thick." He said with a hint of humor in his words.

"So what are you going to do now that you can't be in the same room as me?" I asked, trying to hide the pain that those words brought. If he couldn't be around me how was he going to be my defense?

"I'll find a way around it." He assured.

"Will you still be in here some nights?" I tried not to show how much I longed for that. I wanted to be able to know that he would keep all my fears away with just his close proximity. I wanted to twirl his golden locks again. I wanted to be able to go to sleep and know that nothing was going to happen.

"Maybe." He said quietly; his voice trailed off but I couldn't figure out why.

"Do you really still hate me like you said earlier?" I tried to hold back the pain I felt from those words. I had never wanted him to hate me from the beginning, and the thought that he still did hurt.

"I told you last night," he said, "I don't know anymore."

It was better than a 'yes'. I stayed quiet as I let the reassurance of his words overtake me.

"Mello?"

"Hm?"

"Thanks." I said quietly; I half expected the words to get lost in the silence.

I could almost see the small grin on his face when he spoke, "go to sleep, Near."

I stayed silent, wanting to ask him if he'd be here later, but not wanting to make myself sound even weaker than he probably already thought I was.

"I'll keep you safe." He promised.

A/N: So I think the last part came out pretty well. The only idea I had for it was the back-to-back thing and for them to have a conversation. So I think I winged that pretty well! Anyway, tell me what you think!

**Don't forget to vote, or the next chapter won't be put up!**

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	16. Advantage

A/N: Okay so this chapter was an idea that I had for this specific story before I had the idea of what's going to come next (hopefully that makes sense). But when I made the idea that comes after this, this idea got pushed out. But… I decided to bring it back in no matter how hard it's going to be to transition back afterwards. Don't say I don't love you guys! Thanks to everyone that voted in my poll and for reviewing!!

**Dedication:** This chapter is dedicated to Abi. I don't know what there is that's right for me to say for you, but from what i've heard it sounds like you've been through a lot. The world is cruel and terrible, i know. But it also sounds like you have people who care about whether or not you heal. I can't offer you much, which I'm sorry for, but i hope this story helps you if even in the smallest of ways. And i hope you can come to find your own defense.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters.

Chapter 16: Advantage

It had been nearly a week since Roger laid his punishment on Mello and still he hadn't taken it off or loosened it in the slightest.

The days became quieter. Normally Mello and Matt would either be in their room or be out playing in the snow. [1] Even at times where we were forced around each other, such as in classes or at dinner he was forced away by sitting as far away from me as possible.

This was difficult to handle at times, like the ones where I'd want him around to talk to me so the silence wouldn't bring my memories with it. Or even in the mornings, when I'd wake up in my empty room and he was nowhere to be found.

I couldn't help the abandoned feeling I got on those days.

The only time, it seemed, when he and I got to act as though we weren't as separated as we were was at night; after everyone was asleep.

Much like the first night he and I would sit back-to-back against my door and we'd talk. He'd do the majority of the talking; I was just there to listen and respond when it was appropriate. This was fine with me, I was just happy to get to hear his voice and know he was talking to me and no one else.

Eventually, I would lay down by the door and after a while more I would fall asleep.

Nightmares continued to plague me over the week, but it was never bad enough to wake me up in the middle of the night or to wake anyone else up. I attributed this to falling asleep to Mello's talking. It wasn't the same as having him near me, but it was still better than nothing.

This particular morning was no different.

I awoke with a start, shooting straight up from where I had been laying on the floor by the door. I was drenched with a cold sweat from the memory that had mercilessly taken a hold of me the previous night.

I tried not to think about the details of it as I gathered my pillow from the floor and once again replaced it on my bed.

I needed a shower in order to try and rid myself of the disgust that lay thick on my skin before I could go out and try to pass by the monotonous hours before the night once claimed the area.

-

After my routine morning shower I went down to the empty playroom, finding that not many of the other orphans were awake at even this hour; I suspected it was only about ten or so.

The silence was hard to deal with as I tried to put one of my puzzles together. It seemed to keep interfering with my ability to rationalize and find the correct spot for each place.

I could see my fingers unconsciously shake as the deathly silence continued to slip in and take its hold on me, but I desperately fought to keep myself steady and in control.

I tried to imagine that others were around me in order to persuade myself that I needed to hold it together so nothing would be outwardly shown to them.

It just barely worked, but I was still not satisfied.

I knew there was a hole within me that still craved for that security I had become so accustomed too. But somehow I had to try and hold it back from taking over me so I wasn't filled with any of the negative emotions brought with it.

I managed to continue this for the next couple of hours.

As time began to move on more and more people began to make themselves known and in turn I had to work less and less to try and imagine that people were around me to keep my stoicism.

But with those people came the feeling of eyes on me.

I knew it was just my own imagination, or perhaps paranoia, and that no one was watching me anymore. But no matter what I did I always felt that someone was watching me and it was crippling me down from the inside out.

I'd know these orphans for years, and I knew well enough that they always went past me without another thought. But at the same time I continued to feel their eyes on me in a foreign, hateful stare.

I couldn't quite figure out why this was.

My puzzles were not enough to block them all out and I suspected that so long as I was within the confines of the common room none of my other toys would be enough either.

Finally I knew it was time to move again. I could hardly stand to sit there and be a victim of their penetrating glances that burned right through me.

I stood up and gathered my stuff without looking at any of the other children that were in the room. Then just as silently I moved out of it with my destination set on my room.

If I couldn't have my biggest defense against the rest of the world then I'd have to settle for the next best thing.

I silently maneuvered my way past a group of orphans on the stairs who were just coming down and moved into the silent hall.

The majority of the doors were closed, and the ones that had been left slightly ajar were empty. Each room was like each of the orphans own world; I understood why they gave the impression of not wanting to let the rest of the world see the inside.

I made it halfway down the hall before I heard one of the doors behind me open and a group of boys, who sounded to be older than me, walked out; filling the hall with the noise of their talking.

I didn't bother to listen to it since I had no care about what they were talking about. I figured they'd be like everyone else and simply leave me to do my own thing.

That theory was quickly demolished when I heard the sound of my name called from one of the boys.

I slowly turned back to face them; my heart began to race as I wondered what it was they wanted with me.

One of the boys, an English one that I had never bothered to remember the name of took a few bold steps closer to me while the other two watched with much interest in their dark eyes.

"Is it true what people have been saying about you telling on Mello?" He asked me, crossing his arms over his chest in a false act of wonder and interest.

I held back the urge to let confusion overtake my features. Was that the rumor that was spreading throughout the orphanage? I had to wonder who would start that one.

"So what," he went on, "did you finally get tired of him beating on you that you ratted him out? That's not like you." He said with a small, deviant grin growing on his round face.

I wanted to ask him how he thought he knew me, or how I behaved. Especially since I didn't even know how I was supposed to behave now.

"So now he's in trouble because of you, which means you get off easy for however long Roger decides to keep this punishment up. Is that what you're thinking?"

I still refused to answer as he took another step towards me.

"Maybe if you didn't act like you're better than all of us people wouldn't hate you so much."

He didn't know what he was talking about –I didn't think I was better than any of them. Academically it had been proven that I had begun to slip ever so slightly and past that… and I couldn't think of a single person who wasn't above me.

The smirk on his face grew even more as the other two boys stepped up behind him.

I took a hesitant step back as my heart sped up. I tried not to think about where this could possibly be going. I wanted to run… there was about a 12 percent chance that I could make it to my room. But my door was closed and that would give them the second's worth of advantage.

I took a hesitant step back while still maintaining my emotionless mask.

"Say something!" One of the side boys demanded forcefully of me.

My lips parted but no words came out.

The lead one stepped forward, "you're not getting off that easy, Near. No one messes with you because Mello always does it. But now that he can't someone else has to step up to it."

I couldn't find the proper question to ask them. Maybe I wanted to ask them why they would want to do whatever they were planning. Or maybe I wanted to try and somehow persuade them out of it.

But either way the words wouldn't come.

I watched as the lead boy's fists clenched and a sick grin grew on the other's faces. "Well, we'd be glad to do that." He stated.

They moved quickly, too fast for me to even consider reacting. The next thing I knew I was surrounded by them and was thrown to the solid wood floor.

I could feel each of the solid blows from their powerful kicks slam into my side; I bit my lip in a hopeless attempt at holding back the whimpers of pain that grew inside of me.

I tried to curl up into a ball as a means of protecting myself but the moment I did a rough, forceful hand grabbed a handful of my hair and brought me upright.

Their attacks stopped just long enough for my grey eyes to open, but just as they did a fist collided with my face; but the hand holding my face kept me from moving away with the force of the impact.

The punches continued on me, some to my middle and a couple to my face till I felt my lip split and the taste of my own salty, metallic blood flooded into my mouth.

I was thrown to the floor again with carelessness and a series of kicks ensued in which I kept my eyes sealed shut the entire time while I attempted to protect what I could with my arms.

I wanted to call out.

But to who?

I wanted to scream.

But who would hear me?

I wanted them to leave me alone.

But who would make them?

My hands which were balled into fists to keep me from gripping tightly to my hair moved up to my head as a kick was delivered to my exposed middle. I swear I felt the small amount of nails I had cut into my flesh at that moment.

I couldn't contain the pained noises my voice created after that.

"Hey!" And just like that everything stopped in place and fell into silence.

The boys stopped and focused their attention to who had called from the other side of the hall. Seeing an obvious pause in their assault my eyes slipped open to look where they were looking.

Mello stood at the other end of the hall, his eyes narrowed on the older boys and I could see his fists tightly clenched at his side; one still clutched around a bar of chocolate.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He said through clenched teeth.

I couldn't see their expression and I felt the need to see it, but I couldn't force myself to move.

"We're taking advantage of Near being free now since you can't do anything to him." The older boy, who had been leading the group, stated.

Mello's hardened expression seemed to grow if at all possible and he walked forward without an ounce of hesitance in his step; the deadly look in his eyes said he wanted to kill them.

He grabbed the lead boy by the collar of his shirt and slammed him against the nearest wall, throwing his own punch that whipped the older boy's round face hard to the side.

"Don't you _ever_ think about touching Near again!" Mello nearly shouted at him; I could see the seriousness in his blue eyes and hear the venom in his every word.

"Mello!" The blonde's victim tried, but Mello just shoved him hard against the wall.

"Near is mine, do you understand?" He said in a solid tone. "If you ever touch him again, I swear I'll make sure you can never touch anything again, got it?"

The boys nodded once and after another tense moment where Mello's eyes seemed to burn into the other's he finally threw him to the ground towards the front of the hall where the stairs were.

"Go. And don't even think about saying a word of this to Roger, understand?"

The boy nodded before getting up and running with the other two out of the hall and down to the first floor.

The hallway was then filled with silence, Mello continued to look after them but my eyes wouldn't leave him. I tried not to wonder what he was going to do next. I couldn't see him scaring those guys off and then just leaving again.

But then he turned to me, his eyes were once again the softness that I had seen days ago. It felt as though I hadn't seen or felt them fall on me in so long and the feeling of them there again was highly welcomed.

He stepped over to me and kneeled down, a hand rested on my arm hesitantly as his gaze surveyed over my entirety.

"You okay?" He asked, with a tone in his voice as though he really didn't know what to say.

I watched him for another minute, memorizing the way he looked before I finally nodded though not sure how true it was. Now that the initial shock of the attack and Mello's bold move had worn off the pain was beginning to seep into me.

I began to try and sit up; when he noticed this he tried to help as much as possible while trying his best not to hurt me further. The light touch of his hands on me was a foreign thing, but it was something I felt willing to adapt to so long as it was willing to stay.

"Come on." He said, trying to urge me to stand up.

I complied while trying not to let the pain show on my face or in any of my other features. Though I wasn't completely sure why I was trying to hide it so suddenly. Had the days apart forced me to build up my walls of defense against even him?

Once I was finally standing I began to feel the soreness in my limbs but held back the pain even the slightest movements brought on.

He then led me to my own room without another word or glance in my direction. For once I didn't mind this, I needed to try and hide everything away.

Mello had already seen me in my weakest state and yet I still felt the need to try and be as strong as he once thought I was. I couldn't help wondering how that view had changed now.

What was I to him?

What did he see in me?

Was I still perfect and incapable of fault?

The clicking of my lock being slid into place was what brought me out of my thoughts. I looked at the door where he was just moving away.

He met my eyes, "so no one barges in." He stated, probably reading some form of hesitance and fear in what I thought was my otherwise empty eyes.

I nodded hesitantly and resisted the urge to let my fingers raise and twirl my hair for the fear of it causing any pain in me.

He motioned for me to follow him into the open bathroom and I followed, wondering what he was doing. "Mello?" I asked quietly as I sat on the side of the tub.

He was at the sink with one of the white wash cloths that had previously been hanging on one of the racks by the mirror. He ran the water over it for a long moment before finally turning and kneeling in front of me.

I leaned back as far as I safely could without risking falling into the hard porcelain bottom of the tub and kept my eyes locked with his in order to register the changes of expression.

His blue eyes narrowed on me, "relax, Near." I could certainly understand his frustration. It'd been about a week since we'd been in the same room as one another and even though we talked almost every night it still felt as though we'd drifted back to square one.

I knew I didn't fear his touch anymore, but something in my mind screamed that I should.

But even so I finally leaned forward again as he leaned up closer to me; my body was tense as I waited for him to hit me or do anything else at all but he didn't seem to take notice of this.

The cool cloth pressed suddenly to my lower lip, and it was then that a select pain from the split raced back to me; forcing me to instantly pull away with a cringe.

He grinned at this; I wasn't sure if it was at my reaction or something else.

"Come here," he said with that same grin on him, "you're still bleeding."

I forced myself forward again and he gently placed it on my slightly parted lips, wiping at the blood that had been just at the inside of my mouth.

"How did you know?" I asked when he pulled back for a moment.

"Hm?" He asked. "Are you bleeding anywhere else?" I couldn't place the tone in his voice. It was somewhere between concern and indifference. I wondered if he was showing me the same indifference I had shown him so many times before on purpose. Despite that wonder I tried to convince myself that it wasn't true.

I looked down slowly at my hands and let them open to reveal the red marks. My nails hadn't cut the skin but they'd left painful red marks that were hard for me to look at.

He must have noticed this because after the moment passed he placed the damp cloth over my palms, where the marks were. His hands guided mine to wrap up in fists so I was holding onto the white washcloth.

"How did you know what was going on?" I finally asked, letting my eyes trail back to his diverted ones.

He looked at me again as he sat down on the tile again. Part of me wish he hadn't; part of me wanted him to keep his hands right where they had been and I wasn't sure why.

"I didn't." He said, "I came up to get something to do indoors, I didn't even know you were there." It was believable enough.

"Thanks." I said with just the smallest bit of a smile passing across my face and I felt it touch my eyes as well.

I seemed to be thanking him a lot these days, but I didn't mind. Mentions of gratitude and apologies were easy to say when the time was right, and even more so now. I couldn't help but feel as though Mello deserved so much more than a simple 'thanks'.

But I didn't know what else I could offer him. I was never good with words and thus I could not truly say anything that came to mind and anything past that was almost as foreign to me as words and emotions were.

I'd have to simply stick with thanking him when the times came by. I was in his debt now; I knew this and it didn't bother me.

We both sat there in a comfortable silence, him grinning and my smile had faded away but I could feel that the look was still in my eyes.

Nothing mattered to me at that moment. The rest of the world, and their continuously watching eyes fell away and it was just us.

I knew I had my only defense back.

A/N: So when I started this I thought it was going to be a lot shorter than it ended up being. Which is why the first internal thoughts are really long. But, I didn't think it all through at the time. Anyway, I hope you guys liked it since about fifty percent of you voted for it.

1: Alright so I haven't been keeping accurate notes as to when the current date would be in the story. I considered adding something about Mello's birthday and Christmas into here, but the more I tried to figure out how to make that work the more it complicated things. So, they were taken out. Basically, if I added them they would congest the story. I know… stupid note, but, whatever.

Let me know what you think!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	17. Desperation

A/N: So I was finally a good author and figured out an estimate of how many chapters this story has left in it. I had everything planned as to what I wanted but I hadn't thought about how I was going to break it all up. Well I finally sat down and thought about it and I figured out that this should have about five or six chapters left (including this chapter). You all have been amazing in reviewing thus far (and I thank you all sooo much) and I hope you continue to!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters.

Chapter 17: Desperation

Word spreads faster than wildfire in Wammy's. Then again it's hard for it _not_ to since all of us live within one building all the time.

Within the next two days there wasn't a single orphan that hadn't heard at least one version of the rumor about Mello stopping the attack on his only rival.

Somehow word had stayed amongst the orphans. Either that or Roger had heard and hadn't said anything of it. That was certainly a possibility too.

Needless to say though, Mello was mad that his reputation for only pure hatred towards me had been damaged.

But it really was his own fault.

He had told the boys not to tell Roger –never anything about anyone else.

I was pretty sure it infuriated him even more to realize he let such a simple mistake happen. He didn't say anything about being mad about it in the following nights. But during the short, broken periods throughout the day when I saw him, it was written on his face.

It was two days later and I was trying to keep myself occupied in the common room; away from a group of laughing children who had just come in from the outside.

Their talking suddenly ceased when the previously closed common room doors were opened, I looked up briefly to see who was entering now.

Roger stood in the doorway, his old eyes surveying over everyone before finally falling onto me. "Near, may I see you for a moment?" He asked, as polite and formal as ever.

I nodded soundlessly and cleaned up my robots, putting them into the box I had brought them down in, before standing up and following him out of the room and into the silent hallway.

"Roger?" I asked, trying to be as brief and concise as possible.

He looked down at me and a small, reassuring smile appeared across his face, "I'd like to make sure that you're healing alright and that nothing else has come up." I suppose this was his simple way of stating that he wanted to make sure Mello wasn't doing anything else.

I nodded in response and followed him onwards to his room, understanding and thanking him for unconsciously knowing that I'd rather something such as this be done where there weren't any other prying eyes.

But on the other hand, the thought of being alone and exposing any more of myself than was already left unprotected didn't sit too well with me.

The emptiness and silence of Roger's office was unnerving. I fought against the urge to sit on the floor, if I did that it would mean I'd be staying for any amount of time longer; and I didn't want that.

"Now, Near." As his trusting eyes fell on me, my heart began to race. I hoped and prayed to anyone that would listen that this really was just for what he had said and nothing more. "Would you be so kind as to show me your arms?"

I looked down at my arms that hung loosely at my sides.

I tried to convince myself that nothing would happen and that after I revealed the marks on my arms I would be able to leave once again. I would be able to forget that it even happened. This was just a mandatory examination… just like a week ago… and nothing happened there.

Taking in a deep, silent breath and unconsciously holding it I began to roll up the sleeves of my top.

The marks on my arms were pink and still prominent, but seeing how pale my skin was even the slightest abrasion was highly noticeable. But I could tell they were beginning to fade, thankfully.

When both my sleeves were rolled up I offered out my arms for his inspection. Roger walked over and his eyes examined the skin. He hadn't seen the marks before, when the doctor had found them, but I'm sure it'd be easy to tell that they were healing and that nothing new had formed.

Finally, after what felt like too long he stepped back and his eyes moved up to me, "now Near," he went on, "I won't make you prove it to me, but are there any other areas that have been injured?"

I considered this. In one sense or another all of me had been injured. But that was a while ago… and that was beginning to heal, I knew. And in the sense he was talking to, I did have many bruises from the attack on me a couple of days ago.

But I'd never let him know about that. The quicker he believed that Mello was following the rules for once the quicker he would be let off the punishment.

I finally shook my head, "no, Roger, nothing else."

He nodded, "alright, I understand. Okay Near you-." Before he got to finish the sound of his phone ringing in his pocket pierced through silence that had blanketed the room.

He stopped mid-sentence and dug the cell phone he was forced to keep on him out of his pocket before flipping it open, "yes?" He said, looking away.

I watched him, analyzing his actions as whoever it was began speaking. The silence that took over was hard to deal with, I wanted to leave and I knew Roger had almost dismissed me which made my desire even more prominent.

"Alright." He said into it, his eyes moving to the far window in his office. Again the silence took over and I was forced to continue waiting.

"I understand, we'll be expecting you." He then closed the phone and replaced it in his pocket. His deep eyes then moved back to me. "Near, L is requesting another meeting with you."

My heart and everything else within me left.

All the security I had built up over the weeks, all the confidence I had that nothing else was going to happen, and all the self-loathing that had ever so slowly been draining away from me all began to fill up my empty shell of a body.

"Near?" He asked.

I came back into myself and looked up; I hadn't even realized that my gaze had fallen to the floor. "I understand." I stated.

"Watari said he would be here momentarily."

I couldn't help but wonder why L was in England again. Wasn't he working on a case right now? Or, perhaps he had finished it and was back since he didn't have anything to follow it.

I tried not to think about that possibility and instead focus on the current situation.

"May I be excused to go obtain something I will be needing?" I asked, hoping it worked.

Roger nodded and I left from the room.

Once I was in the empty hallway I could feel my heart racing faster than it had been when I was within the office. My body was hot and growing hotter as my mind registered that time was not on my side and that if I didn't act fast, my horrors and nightmares would become my reality again.

I pushed those thoughts away from me as much as I could and moved quickly from the hall to the main entrance way.

Where could I find him now?

Anywhere I would normally never be was an option, which could be anywhere but the two rooms I usually left myself in. I moved up the stairs as I decided to check his room first, I ignored the people I passed completely.

Unfortunately his room was empty.

After closing the door again I felt as though I was rushing myself. I wasn't calm enough to rationalize what was going on and think everything through. And no matter how much I knew I needed to just calm down, there was simply no way I could.

What I needed more than anything was to find him.

I moved back down the stairs, unsure of where I was going anymore. I looked on either side of me before finally deciding to check the kitchen; moving to the hallway where the classrooms and library were.

I entered the empty kitchen, and there, I found Mello climbing down from the counter with a new chocolate bar in his hands.

"Mello." I could hear the panic and the desperation in my voice as I spoke and forced myself to step forward into the room.

He had barely touched the ground when I forced myself onto him, tightly wrapping my arms around his middle in the hopes that he wouldn't be able to push me away. All my unconscious cares of who could enter at any moment and find us here disappeared completely.

"Near?" He asked; I could feel his confused gaze on me. "What the hell?" It was the façade… it had to be.

"They're…" I couldn't form the words. That would mean there was some reality behind it and I didn't want to accept that. "I don't want to go… please don't let them." My eyes closed as I heard only pure desperation.

"Near," he lightly brought me just far enough away for his hands to lightly take my face and bring it up to look into his confused blue eyes. "What are you talking about?"

I swallowed hard and willed myself to make an intelligent sentence. "L requested another meeting; Watari'll be here soon." My grasp over him tightened instantly as his eyes hardened. I couldn't tell if it was at me or something else.

"I don't want to go." I said; my voice was close to a whisper now as I could already feel myself cracking again.

"I know, Near." He said; his voice comforting. He looked up while his hand still held my face and I wasn't sure what had suddenly caught his attention.

He stayed there for a long minute; I watched as his eyes twitched back and forth as he thought hard and fast about what to do. Meanwhile, I was trying to relax myself. I tried to be assured that Mello would know what to do because for once, I didn't.

My mind was too troubled with worry and the thought of what could be coming to try and assist in the thought process of trying to prevent it. I was glad I had my defense there.

"Alright." He looked down again, confidence laced his blue orbs. "I'll take care of it."

He easily broke out of my grasp over him in order to instead take my hand and lead me out of the room. I looked down at our linked hands for a long moment, considering all the feelings coursing through me that I didn't understand.

Mello then broke away once we reached the entry way, and in my opinion too quickly as it felt like I was suddenly on my own again.

Roger was just entering into the room and stopped when he spotted both of us, "Mello-."

"Roger!" Mello's burning eyes pierced into Roger's, stopping him in his tracks. My own grey orbs were focused on the blonde as I wondered what he had in mind. "Why does Near get to go to those stupid meetings?" He asked with his volume close to a shout.

Roger was too shocked to comment immediately; Mello took his brief silence as a sign that he could continue.

"Near's not that much better than me; I'm still second here! I should be able to go to these meeting things too!"

I began to think it over; it was a good plan –to have Mello go with me. I couldn't quite begin to wonder what L would do with Mello there.

"I don't have authority over it, Mello. This is L's call, not mine." Roger stated defensively.

"Well call him and tell him I want to go too." Mello's voice dripped with venom and I briefly saw Roger falter as though about to give in to the blonde's sudden demands.

But just then the sound of the door opening stopped all three of us. I could feel myself begin to shake as I watched Watari enter in through the door. I wanted to cling to Mello, to not have to go unless they brought him with me, but I held myself back by quickly fiddling with the end of my sleeve.

"Good day everyone." Watari said as he took off his hat. He seemed to be unaware of the tension within the room and between each person.

Mello's eyes were focused on Watari now, as though locking on his newest target. "Watari." He stepped closer to the older man, "I want to go too!" He said.

Watari looked down at him with contemplation heavy in his eyes. I mentally begged for him to think it to be a good idea. Watari could have say over L, and since he had no idea what these 'meetings' had really consisted of what real grounds would he have to say no?

"I'm sorry, Mello, but L's only specified for Near. I'm sure after his training with him is done he'll train you too." He moved to pat the boy's head but Mello pulled away with a glare; for once I was thankful for his stubborn nature.

"There has to be something you can say to convince him, Watari!"

"I'm afraid not, Mello." Watari turned to me then and again fear began flooding my entire body; I struggled to keep myself from just collapsing under my shaking legs. "Are you ready?"

Mello turned his gaze to me and I stared back at him, seeing so many messages in his orbs that collided together into one.

'Stall.'

'Don't go.'

'Go and I'll follow… or find a way to you.'

'Say something!'

I wasn't sure which one he wanted me to go with. My mind was inundated with so many foreign emotions that the side of me that would normally find the best route to take was completely frozen and impotent.

Roger stepped up to Mello, which instantly took the attention off of me. "Come on Mello, I'm sure you have some work to do that you've been ignoring." He pulled on the black material of Mello's shirt in the opposite way of the door but he barely moved.

"No, I want to go too!"

"Near." Watari caught my attention and motioned for me to follow to the door that he now held open.

I still wasn't sure what to do. I needed more time! But there was no way to stall; my hesitance was already suspicious enough. What successor of L would think twice about getting the chance to see him at all?

Finally, I knew I had no choice and I stepped closer to Watari; further away from the safety that was provided by this building and a certain occupant of it.

"Near." Mello's suddenly painfully calm voice broke through all my thoughts and I turned to him. He stood across from me with his eyes burning into only mine.

For a moment I swore that everything fell away and it was just him and I in this room. I read the promised message in his eyes that I knew no one else would be able to make out.

'I'll find you. I swear.'

A/N: So I thought that was an interesting place to leave it. And talk about suspense! What's going to happen next? Will Near see L again after all that's happened? Will Mello find a way to intervene before hand? I guess you'll all just have to wait and find out! Thanks to **Insanitoon** for giving me the direction needed to create this chapter!

More reviews makes me update faster!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	18. Call

A/N: I don't know what it is but every time I sit down to write a chapter in this I always fear that it's going to end up being too short and thus be a waste of a chapter. But then they always end up being longer than I ever expected. I'm not sure why. And it's just this series to! Oh well. **Thanks to all who reviewed!**

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, any of the characters, or anything of the sort!

Chapter 18: Call

The streets were a blur through the car's window as Watari and I drove to the hotel where L was staying. My heart was beating so fast that I swore it'd beat right out of my chest.

I suppose the fear of what would be coming was enough to numb everything else.

My eyes slipped closed as I thought over my last assumption. I hadn't even seen L yet and already my body was reverting back to the numbness that used to comfort me and get me through the day.

Each moment we continued moving I found myself hoping that something –anything- would happen that would somehow prevent me from having to see L.

I'd take a car hitting us.

I'd take skidding on the ice and crashing somewhere.

I'd take anything to avoid what was coming…

Mello had promised that he would take care of it and that he would find me. But the closer I got the more I had to wonder how he was planning on doing that.

Even if we stopped at every red light, there was no way he would have the speed needed to keep up with the car. And if he didn't follow close behind, then how would he find what hotel we were out? And even then how would he find the room?

The more I thought it over the more I rested on the thought that it wouldn't be possible. But I still tried to keep up faith; I tried not to let my rational side get to me and instead believed that Mello would find a way.

But just as I began trying to find ways to convince myself that he would get here, Watari parked the black, old-fashioned car he was driving in front of a hotel. I vaguely remembered this place from one of the earlier 'meetings' I'd had with him.

I hoped it wasn't in the same room. The last thing I wanted was for anything to happen on a bed I knew was already contaminated with the filth from before.

I lightly shuddered at the thought of it all as I stepped out of the car, Watari gave me a look, but must have passed it off as the sudden cold as he did little more than give me a reassuring smile.

Before we entered through the fancy revolving doors I briefly contemplated the option of running while I still had the chance. It would create a lot of questions with Watari, but so long as I didn't have to go it would be worth it.

But it was getting closer to late afternoon and it was becoming progressively colder, if I ran I'd more than likely have to avoid Wammy's until some of the commotion died down. That would only be at night, and I wasn't willing to test whether or not I had thick enough of a jacket to stand any amount of winter night weather.

So with a sigh that formed a cloud of white around my parted lips I reluctantly followed Watari into the warmer lobby of the hotel.

I kept my gaze down the entire time, never looking at any of the people that passed us. My mind was already in too much turmoil to try and evaluate the stares of the new people around me.

We entered into the elevator that had a soft, piano music playing through a speaker on the side wall and rode it to the fifth floor. I watched each number light up as we reached the floors.

With each of the higher floors we reached my fear built up and my heart raced in my chest. I willed the elevator to break and to plummet down to what was probably a concrete ground.

It may not be enough of a crash to kill me but it'd be enough to cause some kind of harm and to keep me from having to go.

Unfortunately my will must not have been strong enough, for finally a loud _ding_ sounded and the sliding doors opened onto a long, brightly lit hallway.

I obediently followed Watari into the hall and past each of the closed doors that were spread far enough apart to show that this must be a level of suites.

He finally stopped beside a door and I looked up just enough to notice I was standing in front of it. I gave him a small, confused look.

"Go on." He said with another one of his reassuring smile.

"Are you not coming?" I asked casually, seeing as he normally remained in the room for at least the briefest of moments. I wasn't sure if I was attempting to stall for any amount of time or was just genuinely interested.

"No, I have something to do. L's already expecting you." He stated.

'Wonderful,' I thought, turning my blank gaze back to the wooden door. Hesitantly, I reached forward, turned the golden doorknob, and entered into the room.

This was it…

I could see no way of stalling, no way of getting out of this now…

I looked around once the door was closed again. Oddly enough the room was well lit. Sunlight spilled in from the open windows and collided with the artificial glare from the lights in the living area.

My eyes quickly found L, who sat on the couch as usual; I could feel my body begin to shake even more in pure fear.

He turned slightly to me, probably having heard the click of the door through the silence within the room. "I'm glad you could make it, Near." He said casually.

I stepped forward just as I used to; it was almost an automatic action to now. My eyes took in the way he looked now as opposed to merely a few weeks ago.

Overall he looked more worn then I had ever seen him before. He looked like he had gone a week without sleep on more than one occasion and as though so many thoughts were plaguing his mind all at once. Whatever case he had been on, or was still on must have been quite difficult to put him in such a state.

For a single moment I felt the urge to pity him and try and find a way to alleviate the stress of it. That's when it hit me, that was probably the only reason for him coming all the way back to England. For me to alleviate his stress.

My stomach churned with a sudden feeling of nausea.

I finally nodded in response to him.

He was quiet for a moment, looking me over completely. I hated having his eyes trail over me; it was almost as bad as his roaming hands.

"You look like you've been well." He stated, as though this was simply some casual meeting and something completely innocent. "Why don't you come with me, we have a lot to discuss after all." I could see the impure meanings hidden underneath the words.

He stood up and made his way across the room, without looking at me, and went into the bedroom.

I hesitated, taking one final glance towards the door and briefly hoping that it would burst open and that someone, anyone would be there. Preferably Mello, but I was growing ever more desperate and would take anyone so long as I didn't have to follow L into that room.

But when nothing came it was sealed. I was on my own again.

I swallowed down a lump in my throat and made my way into the bedroom where L was waiting; closing the door as I knew he'd want me to.

He sat on the edge of the bed, his deep coal eyes burned into my flesh. "So how has everything been?" He asked as I just stood there awkwardly.

"Fine." I stated, trying to keep my monotone voice.

"Good. If that's all, should we get down to business then?" He asked with his eye still burning hard into me. I felt as though if he continued to do as such a hole would begin to burn in my flesh.

My fingers rose to twirl at my hair before it became too disgusting to be touched. I knew I should stall him, with any sort of talk. But I wasn't the conversational type, and we both knew that. If I tried starting some kind of talk then he would know I was trying to evade the inevitable situation.

He took my silence as the okay.

"Alright, Near, come here." He pointed to a spot on the floor a few feet in front of him and I walked over to the place. "Strip." He told me; only pure seriousness in his words.

I wanted to ask if I must, but I had learned through the countless times that questioning anything L demanded only led to some kind of painful punishment. I knew I needed to avoid that at all costs. The actions he would eventually take on me would inevitably break me down more than anything he had done before.

I had had a taste of freedom. I'd known what it felt like to be protected. I'd seen an opportunity for a fresh start and had been on the road to take it.

And now this… an old wound was going to be ripped open again and left to bleed until I crumbled under it.

I pushed the thought away from my mind and let my gaze fall to the ground as my reluctant and shaking hands moved up to the buttons on my shirt. I could already feel the tears beginning to well in my eyes as my mind screamed at me that I was only giving in to what he wanted.

I wasn't fighting at all.

But what was I really supposed to do?

There was nothing…

When all the buttons on my shirt were finally undone I let the material slide down the length of my arms until it slipped off my fingertips and onto the ground.

L's eyes were locked on me, I could feel them look me over like a new, vital piece of evidence in a difficult case.

"Near, what happened to your arms?" He asked. I tried to turn them so the marks didn't show, but it didn't keep him from looking at my face in such a way that demanded an answer.

"It's nothing." I said carefully and indifferently.

I briefly looked back at him only to see that he was reading right past my story. We both knew how I got the marks, but for some reason he was still letting me go with my lie.

My hands moved to the elastic of the otherwise loose pants I always wore; I fought back every urge to seal my eyes closed. I knew he'd want me to at least try and act as though I didn't hate this as much as I did.

"Go on." He urged.

I took a deep breath as I forced my hands to work for me and ever so carefully slip the material down. I felt so exposed and, even though his hands hadn't touched me yet, so very disgusting.

"And the rest?" He continued.

This time I did let my eyes close and wished myself away from this area. I tried to pretend I was somewhere else. I imagined I was in my bathroom and my eyes were closed so I wouldn't have to see my own reflection in the mirror.

I tried to pretend like I wasn't stripping for anybody, but instead just so I could step under the hot spray of my shower and clean off the filth that resided on my skin.

This made it just a bit easier to remove the last article of clothing remaining on me.

"Come here." L said, which brought me back to the reality that I wasn't in the confines of my bathroom, but in a strange hotel with my once idol, who had the most impure plans for us.

I obeyed, however, stepping closer to him and allowing his hands to roam over my stomach, up my chest and around to my back.

The sickening touch brought the tears I'd been unconsciously fighting back to my eyes and one slipped out, sliding down my pale cheek.

One of his hands left me and wiped it away, "why the tears, Near?"

I shook my head as I begged my tears away. They would do nothing to help me now. Besides, I didn't want L to ever see me weak. But I didn't want him to ever see me too strong either. I was torn between the two.

Only one person had ever seen me at both ends of that spectrum. I wanted it to remain that way too.

But my wants didn't seem to matter here, it was no longer about what I wanted. It was what L wanted, and whatever he wanted he always got. One way or another.

"I thought I told you that the things that happen here are confidential." His tone was harder, and less caring now. I knew that tone was hiding somewhere within him.

I looked away from him, unsure of what he wanted me to say.

"You told Mello about it, I have no doubt about that anymore."

"L?" I couldn't help myself. I knew there was the meeting we'd had with him at Wammy's that could have shown it. But he made it sound like there was multiple times, and if there was I wanted to know where he was getting his information.

"I received a call a little while before you came from Roger." I listened intently, but already knew what he was going to say. "He said Mello had been making a fuss about wanting to come to this meeting too. I knew he would have wanted to in the past as well, but I haven't heard of him being so adamant about it. This leads me to believe that you must have told him, causing him to want to protect you from something like this."

He had everything right. Then again he wasn't the three greatest detectives in the world for nothing.

All of sudden his hand slammed against the side of my face, whipping me to the side and leaving my cheek stinging in pain. I held back a reaction; instead masking it with numbness and lethargy.

L wasted no time in waiting for me to say anything back. In one motion he moved me so I was laying on my back on the mattress with him towering over top of me.

He looked down at me, his eyes heavy with thought. "This is interesting," he stated, "Mello has never cared for you before now. I can't help but wonder how he would react…"

Then I watched as he dug into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. I had a vague idea of what he was going to do as he held it in that unorthodox way of his and began dialing.

"L…" My voice caught his attention for only a moment. "Don't."

He smirked, "your reaction only interests me more, Near." He then gave a small, evil grin; I wasn't sure if he meant for it to be as evil as it ended up being. "Don't worry, I'll give you some attention in a moment."

He placed the phone to his ear and through the silence of the room I could hear it ring once… twice… before finally Roger picked it up.

"Yes?" The old man asked.

"Roger, is Mello with you?" My heart raced… what was he planning to do? I wanted details… I didn't want anything to happen to my defense…

"Uh, yes he i-." I heard Roger's voice get cut off by the said blonde.

"Is that L?" Mello asked from what had to be somewhere close by Roger. I couldn't pinpoint exactly where. It killed a part of me to know that he was still at Wammy's… that he hadn't even left to come and get me.

"Yes, it i-."

"Give me the phone!" Mello demanded harshly.

"Mel-."

"It's fine, Roger." L cut him off, "please give him the phone."

There was a brief pause where the phone was exchanged and then all of a sudden Mello's voice came on the line. "L, where the hell are you?" He nearly shouted and L's smirk only grew.

"I'll tell you where I am in a bit, Mello, don't worry about that."

"Where is Near?" He asked. I hoped that he'd be smart enough to leave from wherever Roger was before starting to get into it with L.

"He's right here. All is fine, Mello." He stated.

"Like Hell it is! Don't you dare touch him, L! I swear to God if you lay a hand on him-."

"You'll do what? You don't know where I am."

"I'll find you and kill you myself!" Mello was infuriated and I knew exactly why, first for being at a disadvantage in the situation and second for letting it get this far. There was no doubt in my mind about this.

"Would you like to hear from him yourself?" L asked casually.

Mello didn't respond and L took that to mean 'yes'. He brought the phone away from his ear and down to mine, holding it just far enough away from me so he could hear what was being said as well.

I wasn't sure what to say. I wasn't even sure whether it was worth saying anything at all, should even the slightest of speech from me make it that much more painful for him. If there was a lord out there, he should know I didn't want that.

"Well?" L said just quiet enough so only I would be able to hear it.

I took in a strangled breath and let my eyes close. "Mello…" I hated how weak and broken my voice already sounded.

"Near!" Mello sounded just a bit happier to hear me. "Where are you? I'm sorry… tell me."

I knew if I did I'd get punished. But it'd be worth it. Too bad I'd purposefully blocked all useful information of it from my mind. I knew I'd been to the hotel before, but considering the circumstances I was unable to draw the name to mind.

"I'm sorry…" I finally said.

He was quiet, "Near…"

L then took the phone back, "Mello."

"I'll kill you, L. I'll make you regret everything you've done to him and feel just as much pain!"

"I'm sure, Mello. Well we have to go now, but I'll be sure to call later with the information of where you'll be able to find Near."

"You bastard! Just fu-." Then L closed the phone and cut the connection with my defense… with the only one I had ever really trusted and felt safe around.

"Now, that took a bit longer than I'd expected it would. But I guess it's about time to get down to business." He leaned down to me, making sure to securely hold himself on either side of me and forcefully pressed his lips to mine.

I lay motionless, open to anything he forced me to do, and breaking even more under every touch he placed on me.

He was as rough as ever, my screams of protest and pain did little to stop him from taking all the actions he so desired and inflicting as much pain upon my exposed body as he wanted.

His nails broke into my flesh around my body and drew out small lines of blood from the harsh inflictions. I held back all the tears I so desperately wanted to let fall.

His penetration and ripping of me was hard to take. It was as though everything I had been fighting to get for the past couple of weeks had meant nothing. It suddenly felt as though I had been filled with a false hope of safety that I would never feel again.

Part of me wanted to give in to the thought that I would always just be a sex slave for my idol. Perhaps I was never meant to succeed L. Perhaps this was my only reason in life. My intelligence could mean nothing at all…

When L was finally done he pulled out and left my under the disheveled sheets without another care. I was too numb to do anything but lie on my stomach and stare lifelessly at the opposite wall. I could faintly hear the sound of L dialing on his phone again as he got himself fixed up.

"Hello, Mello?" He said.

I tried to block the rest out. I no longer understood the point of him calling and telling Mello now. There would be nothing for him to collect now. I was nothing now… a being here simply for other's pleasures.

I wasn't sure if I could stand to live with that fact for very long.

A/N: Ah, so I thought that would be a wonderful place to end. Though, by now I'm sure all of you are either crying or glaring daggers at the screen for what I did. Haha, talk about a plot twist if I've ever seen one! Who really saw that coming?! I had originally planned of having the rape scene happen with Mello on the phone, but I thought that might kill a bit of what I have planned next. I did want to go into detail but by the time I got there this was just getting too long.

So… let me know your thoughts! I'm sure you're just dripping with them now! Next chapter soon!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	19. Cling

A/N: Ah, so here's the next chapter that all of you wanted to badly. I've had everything planned from two chapters ago up until the very end but now that I've gotten to the good part I can't seem to remember the way that I want to do it! Ah! I hate when this happens! But whatever, that's my problem to think over, not yours. **Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Please do so for this chapter as well, and PLEASE VOTE IN THE POLL ON MY PROFILE!!**

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters, obviously. So, no suing me please!

Chapter 19: Cling

L left shortly after calling and talking to Mello. I didn't hear any of the conversation; my mind had slipped too far into the pain and realization of what had just happened to register what was going on around me.

He didn't tell me when he'd be back, or if he ever would. I suppose allowing the threat of his possible return to loom over me was better than him simply telling me that he would.

I continued to lie in the bed for God only knows how long, in the evidence of what had just occurred. I tried effortlessly to clean what I could with the sheets but soon gave up as seeing any of it brought too much despair to me.

I didn't know why… or what really triggered the feeling.

It was just there, I suppose it had been laying dormant for a while now and had just now been released. I felt the need to break and collapse with only the silence and solitude as my witness.

But I couldn't… not now. I had to fight it back and stay strong. If not for my own self, to prove that I could, in fact, do it, then for someone… I was unsure of whom… but there had to be someone I could be strong for.

So I continued to lie lifelessly on the bed, my mind a maelstrom of destructive thoughts that were gradually decomposing into painful memories; I was blind to the wall that stood in front of me.

The pain was still racing through my body but my thoughts dulled out a great amount of it.

As the time moved on and still only the silence greeted me I began to wonder if I was just going to be left here for someone to find tomorrow, or perhaps the day after that.

Maybe I would even be gathered up with the other evidence in the room and disposed of out back. That did only seem fitting. I was to be used as their tool for a limited amount of time before being disposed of permanently.

But then something broke the thickness of the silence. It caught my ears, and brought my consciousness back to the reality I now loathed having to face.

It had sounded like a door, opening and closing once more. Maybe I would be disposed of quicker than I thought I would…

I waited patiently, I had nowhere to go and was certainly in no rush for anything. Let whoever was here wait around a bit to make me suffer it out before finally finishing the job.

After a few moments the door to the bedroom was pushed open; I only knew that from the sound of skin grazing the fake wood and then it lightly hitting the opposing wall.

I didn't bother to look at who was here. I didn't ever care anymore.

As silent moment filled the room where I felt eyes locked on me, but nothing was said. I wanted them to say something, anything at all. Just something to break the silence that was suffocating the hotel room and me along with it.

As if an answer to my desires, a voice suddenly broke through everything, "Near…"

I fought against the urge to close my eyes but my heart gripped in my chest so tightly I could have swore blood was seeing through it.

Mello… I knew he'd probably be here sooner or later but… something in me didn't want him to have to witness any of this.

But obviously that part of my desires wasn't being heard when all of a sudden he appeared kneeled in front of me. His angelic face blocking my view of the wall; there was a look in his eyes as he scanned over me that showed he was worried.

He didn't seem to be hiding anything from me at this one moment. I couldn't help but wonder why exactly.

"Near…" He reached a hand up, as though to lightly lay it on me, but I saw it click in him about what he was dealing with and he thought better about it. "I'm…" His voice trailed off.

It was obvious he had no idea what to say, which was interesting seeing as I didn't know what I wanted him to say.

I gathered everything back into me so I could find the ability to speak again, "why didn't you come, Mello? Why did you lie to me?" My voice was horribly broken both by the emotion I hid but felt so strongly and from the effects of screaming in pain. "Why weren't you here?"

I saw him break under that, his eyes showed hurt and so much more worry than I had ever seen in him before. I had never thought it to be possible for him to show such strong emotions such as these to me.

"I'm sorry, Near." He said close to a whisper, "I know I fucked that whole thing up and completely destroyed all those promises I made to you."

He had; there was no way around it. All the promises about keeping me safe and making sure L would never touch me again had all been too big for him to keep. Somehow I felt as though I should have know that, but I had been so desperate for something to latch onto at the time.

It all sounded stupid now that I thought back on it. But part of me didn't believe that either, part of me thought that this was just something neither of us could have stopped.

And as much as I hated to think about, I still wanted something to cling to.

"I'm sorry, okay?" We both knew that wouldn't fix anything; that they were just feeble words and nothing more. But at the same time what more was there to offer? He didn't know what I was feeling and to be honest I wasn't completely sure if I knew the answer myself.

What was my opinion on him now?

"When L finally called I was already in the city. Look," he pulled out a black cell phone from his pocket that I instantly recognized as Roger's, "I stole Roger's phone and ran all the way here just so I could be in the general area when he called."

"So why…?" My voice was sore, my entire being was sore and I didn't have the will, nor the energy to completely ask the whole question.

"Why did it take so long?" He asked.

I weakly nodded.

"I couldn't find this place. I'm sorry Near, so sorry." He said genuinely.

I watched him, unsure of what to think. I wanted to cling onto him so badly, I wanted another night like the night before the examination, where I could be held in his secure arms and just feel a sense of security.

But at the same time he had broken so much of my trust.

What was I supposed to do?

I closed my eyes to block out the waiting and worried look he was giving me and attempted to turn my head away from him. Why couldn't he just see that I just wanted to be left here?

Almost instantly I felt his hand on my shoulder and I fought against every urge to not pull away, but still lost to a certain extent.

"Near," he said softly, "please just let me make this better."

My eyes slid open on the opposite wall as I began to wonder how he planned on doing that. "How?" I finally asked weakly.

"First by getting you cleaned off and dressed again." He stated.

His words were so tempting… I needed something to protect me so badly, whether it's from myself or from anything else, and he had been there before. I figured this was why it was such an appealing option to just give right back into him.

I finally turned my head so I was facing him again. I looked over his serene face that was so full of honesty for the first time. It was tempting… especially since the better part of me told me I needed it.

I inevitably decided that I would trust him again, and decide what more I was going to do when I was in a better mind set. I began to wonder how long that would take –but I shoved such thoughts out of my mind and forced a nod instead.

He nodded back with a small grin growing across his face. His hands moved to me, "here, sit up for a minute." I tried to do as much as I could to sit up without needing to have him touch me; then finally I was sitting on the side of the bed. The white sheet was still draped around me and I was thankful for it.

"You want me to find some pain medicine or something?" He asked. This wasn't like Mello, I hadn't expected this kind of behavior from him. Not the kind, caring side anyway.

But then again, we'd both seen each other behaving in the complete opposite of our outwardly expressed personas; and, considering that we were the only ones here, I knew I shouldn't expect much else.

I shook my head lightly.

He nodded and pulled my clothes over from where they had been left not too far away, "here, I'll…" he hesitated for a moment, moving his blue eyes away from mine before finally moving a bit away from me and turning completely around to face the wall.

I considered his actions for a moment. I suppose he was probably hesitant about leaving me alone now since he had no idea what I could be thinking about doing. I mentally thanked him for this, as I began to force myself to re-dress, since even I wasn't completely sure what track my mind was on anymore.

Once the last of the buttons on my shirt were re-done and I was back in my white-clad outfit, I looked over Mello, who was silently facing away from me.

I wondered what he was thinking about; what was running through his advanced mind. Was he berating himself for not holding to his word? Was he considering where he would go from here, or what the future would inevitably hold?

I silently moved down off the bed and moved over to him. My fingers hesitantly moved up, and before I could think of any reason to stop myself, I let them thread through Mello's blonde locks.

He didn't jump in surprise, as I thought he might, but he turned his head slightly to me. "Near?"

"Mello…" I didn't know what to say either. All words seemed inappropriate for the situation.

He then turned enough for his hand to take mine and remove it from his locks. He held it in place so I couldn't withdraw while he turned fully around to face me again. "Let me get something to help clean you off a bit." He said carefully.

I drew back a bit. Did he stop me not for my own good, but because he didn't want filth such as myself touching him?

He must have noticed this, because he instantly brought my hand to his cheek again. He caressed it against his soft skin, then brought my hand down to his lips, where he hesitantly stopped.

I didn't know why.

"I'll be right back." He began to move, but just as he did, it registered that he was leaving me for what could have been any amount of time. Something snapped inside of me.

I moved and instantly forced myself onto his lap, my arm that was held by him broke from his grasp and wrapped with the other one around his neck. My fingers lost themselves into his silky hair that always relaxed me while I buried my face into the crook of his neck.

"Please don't leave me…" I said so quietly I swore it wouldn't be audible.

He tensed beneath me and didn't return the embrace, which hurt me even more than he probably meant it, or thought it would.

"I'm sorry for this," I said into him, "but something is screaming that I need this. Please hold me back Mello, if only one more time." My eyes clenched shut but I wouldn't let out the tears that burned at my eyes.

His arms instantly moved around my waist securely and held me close to him. "Of course, it's alright I won't leave," he said into me, "I told you I'd be here, didn't I?"

I didn't answer; I knew it was a rhetorical question.

His touch didn't burn me, which was a great relief. I let out a ragged breath and let my eyes slip closed as my fingers continued to twirl his locks of hair in order to keep me relaxed.

I couldn't figure out why I needed this physical contact from him, and him alone, at this moment. It had probably only been an hour or so since the incident had occurred and somehow I could still grasp onto him this tightly without feeling afraid or cringing away.

Why?

What was I searching for in this?

I couldn't be sure and I tried not to think about it as time and all of reality slipped by us. Neither of us said anything, we simply sat there held in each other's arms and perhaps unconsciously needing it from one another and from no one else.

I could have stayed in that one place for the rest of the night; the longer I did remain there in such a perfect comfort the more I could feel the ability to fall into a peaceful, dreamless sleep become an appealing option.

But suddenly I felt Mello shift under me and instantly I was brought back to reality. My hold over him tightened as I was not yet ready for him to leave me for any amount of time. I was pretty sure he knew and understood this too.

"Near," he said into me, his voice soft and persuading, "let me take you home."

"Home…" I repeated the word as though hearing it for the first time in my life. Was I not already home? Could home not be defined as a place where comfort a security resided at?

If I gained such feelings from Mello, and especially in situations such as now, when I'm secured and protected from the outside world in his arms, does that not mean that in some sense he'd be my home?

It made enough sense to my disheveled mind.

"Yeah," he said, cutting through my thoughts, "home."

I thought it over once before finally nodding. I wanted to be in my own room and in my own bed and keep Mello within reach to keep me grounded while I attempt to sort through my scattered mind.

Yes, I wanted to go home.

A/N: Meh, not the best ending for a chapter in the world, but it got me to the place that I needed to be so I can jump to the next chapter and still make it a nice transition. I kind of feel like Mello was OOC in this in the beginning, but the more I thought about it the more I decided he really wasn't. I mean, he just came found Near after he'd just been raped and had to face the fact that he failed in his promises. I'm sure he'd want to rebuild that trust thing they had before.

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Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	20. Apologies

A/N: So here's the big 2-0 chapter (wow that didn't go over as well as I thought it would). I don't think I ever thought that this story would actually be this long. But I'm glad it is. Anyway, this is one of the chapters I've been planning on doing for a while now so, I think that's why I've been hesitating on actually writing it. I don't want to do it wrong.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters involved in this story.

Chapter 20: Apologies

I hesitated for another minute before getting up; and even in the moments where my hands weren't held on to Mello a wave of panic rushed over me despite him being right next to me.

Mello bent down a bit and motioned for me to get on his back.

I starred, confused.

"I'm going to carry you." He said, as though it was the most obvious of things.

I stiffened up instantly though for unknown reasons, "I'm quite capable of walking, thank you." I said with my normal monotone voice set back into place.

"Too bad," he said, not roughly but in the normal firmness that Mello's voice normally held. "Just let me carry you, Near, it's not that big of a deal."

I paused for another moment but thought it over quickly before stepping closer to him; I couldn't help wondering why he was so adamant about this. Even so, I tried to push my hesitation aside before allowing myself to climb on his back; wrapping my arms around his neck.

He stood up and began walking out of the room to the exit of the hotel room with ease, as though I wasn't even on his back.

I tried to ignore the feeling of just leaving the room where I'd been ripped apart again to instead move myself so my head rested mostly on my arm, but Mello's hair lightly caressed my face.

The light smell of his hair that graced my nose was comforting and again I could feel myself beginning to be lulled to sleep. But I had to keep a strong hold over my consciousness for just a bit longer.

"Mello." I began as the end of the hall where the elevator was started to get closer.

"Hm?" He asked.

"Am I heavy?" I asked. I wasn't sure why my weight was such a thick thought on my mind at the moment, but I felt the need to know all the same.

He gave a light chuckle that was barely even audible before answering, "not at all, Near."

I exhaled a heavy breath and let my eyes slip closed. My grip over Mello tightened as though gripping onto him would hold me back from the darkness of unconsciousness. He comforted me with just his presence but I wasn't sure if that would follow into my sleep.

"Go to sleep Near." Mello told me in a quiet, soft voice as we stopped at the end of the hall.

Contrary to what he had said my eyes slipped open and I gave him a confused look that I was positive he couldn't see.

"It'll take us a while to get back and you should really rest." My confused look only deepened. Was that guilt I was hearing hidden far away from the surface of his solid words?

Perhaps he was feeling guilty for breaking his promises to me. That certainly did make enough sense. But… I wonder if he even thought they were possible to begin with. I wonder if he said them not because he believed he could do it, but because he wanted to tell me what he knew I wanted to hear.

And I was the fool who fell right into that.

Maybe he played into it too though. Maybe he fell into this own false hope that he could stop this and now was feeling guilty when reality had taken me again.

But I wasn't really one to place blame, I knew that hidden in the back of my mind I harbored enough self-loathing for the both of us. Now that I really looked at it, I could see that it was my fault.

This was all my fault.

Everything that was happening.

I clutched tighter onto Mello as my eyes slipped closed and I tried desperately to fight against the self-loathing thoughts that were entering into my immediate thoughts.

'Please,' I begged to no one in particular, 'I'll forgive him for making empty promises to me just let him continue to keep me safe. I can't be left with these thoughts…'

I was enough of a realist to understand what would happen if I was.

Mello must have felt my sudden tightened grip over him as the doors of the elevator I could barely remember entering into slid open to the bottom, lobby floor. "Relax Near, it's fine." He tried to tell me. I could hear how uneasy he felt around me.

The soothing words that used to slip from his tongue so naturally seemed to suddenly be replaced by awkward ones brought on by his uneasiness around me. I wondered what had brought that up. What was so different, or even wrong, with me now?

I wanted him to tell me what was wrong with me so I could fix it and have him back the way he had been before.

With a soft sigh my eyes closed and I tried to focus on the soft steps he made as he exited out of the building and into the cold weather of the city. I didn't have a thick jacket with me, but I was in no position to complain about the cold.

I ignored it all and let my consciousness be taken away from me in replace for a cold blackness.

-

I could feel myself coming back into myself quicker than I had wanted. I refused to open my eyes and find out where we were. There was a strange bliss around me at this moment that I hadn't felt. I knew it was partly created by the movement of Mello as he walked, the smell of him so close to me, and the biting cold.

In that moment I wish I hadn't thought about the cold as a sudden shiver raked through my entire body that I couldn't stop no matter how much I wanted it to.

It was then that Mello was conscious of the fact that I was awake again. "Just a bit longer, we're practically there."

Out of curiosity I let my eyes slip open and I looked forward, we were walking up the trail to the main building of Wammy's.

"Near." His voice brought me back to him. "Keep your eyes closed." He said.

"Why?" I asked since he was unable to see the confused look I would have otherwise given him.

"It'll make sense when we get there." He said convincingly to me.

I nodded, unsure of whether he felt it or not, and let my head rest against him once again; my eyes slipped closed. I breathed in the sweet smell of his hair that I couldn't place and used the sense to chase away the memories that fought for dominance in my mind.

If I thought over them now they'd take control of me and I'd break right here. I knew for a fact that neither of us wanted that.

Just as Mello had said, in no time at all he ascended the steps and opened the door with only a slight pause in his movements.

Once the door was opened however a wave of warmth from the inside rushed out to meet the winter cold; I fought every urge to relax into it and melt under the feeling that had seemed to be stolen from me for so long.

"Hey Mels. What's w-" That voice, Matt, instantly greeted us. It was in that moment that I understood why Mello had wanted me to keep my eyes closed. How he had known was the only question I couldn't seem to answer.

"Don't ask." Mello answered with a firm and frustrated expression in his simple words.

Matt hesitated only a moment, "So did you get into the meeting then?" There was a hopeful sound in his voice that would be evident in that of any friend.

"Something like that." Mello answered simply.

"Did you get your answers?" [1]

"No."

"Where's Watari?"

"God damn Matt, why the hell are you asking me so many questions?" Mello asked, snapping under it and holding so much annoyance in his voice. I wondered if he'd been harboring all of that this whole time.

"Look, let me put him upstairs and calm down a bit and then I'll tell you what happened, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Matt sounded distracted again, probably playing one of his games. "Roger's looking for you, by the way."

Mello's movements stopped again and he turned in the direction that Matt's voice had been coming from. "I bet he is." It was said more to himself than to Matt. Then all of a sudden his hold over me faltered and I could feel him trying to use his hand to dig into his pocket without the risk of dropping me.

"Here," he finally said, "give this to him." Mello threw something, I could tell by the movements in his arm, and from the sound of Matt catching it. I assumed it was Roger's cell phone that Mello had taken.

"Will do, boss!" Matt said and Mello began moving again, and in no time at all we were ascending the stairs.

I kept quiet, keeping all my questions to myself until we'd finally reached the second floor, where I hesitantly cracked a single eye open to see if there was anyone else around.

When I was sure no one else was there I asked, "how did you know?"

"Know he was there?" Mello asked.

I nodded into him.

"I didn't." He stated. "I figured Roger would be there ready to yell at me, not Matt." That was certainly a reasonable answer.

I didn't say anything in response and let the silence pass between us again.

It was when we finally made it to my room that Mello finally put me down. I felt a lack of security without him there anymore. My fingers instantly reached up to my twirl my hair while my grey orbs moved away to avoid his gaze.

I was unsure of what was to happen now, but I knew what I wanted now. "Would you mind leaving for a short amount of time so I can take a shower?" I asked.

"Yes." He said firmly, my eyes moved to him as a sudden look of annoyance passed across his face. "I mean… fuck." He ran his hands through his blonde locks and looked away from me.

This felt like the first time I told him about what had happened and he was so unsure of what to say, or what to do. I understood now his reasoning for not wanting to let me, it was the same as back in the hotel room when he didn't want to leave me alone.

His reluctance showed more of his concern than anything else.

"Fine!" He finally said, "but I'm staying here and you're being timed, no longer than ten minutes, got it?"

"Ten?" I asked.

"Yeah. You can have longer when I make sure you're at least alright."

I watched him carefully, wondering about what he was thinking that made him so sure he could make sure I was alright again. By revealing such a fact like I would gain more privacy once I convinced him I was fine I could easily play into that and fool him into a false sense that things were fine.

But I didn't want to do that. I was genuine with this. The healing had not been against my will after all, what point would it all have if I fought against it?

So hesitantly I nodded and he went to sit on my bed.

I should have known… I wasn't being given _that_ much privacy.

Without another word I obtained a new set of clothes from the dresser and moved into the bathroom. I'd have just enough time to wash the immediate filth off of me, but the rest would just have to wait until later.

-

As promised, ten minutes later I had finished my shower (quite a bit quicker than I had wanted, though) and was redressed in a new pair of white pajamas and stood staring at myself in fogged over mirror.

I could see the dirt and everything else that left me less than perfect on my skin and polluting me. A look of disgust spread across my face at the sight and for the briefest of moments I wondered if I'd ever be rid of this completely.

It seemed impossible.

I wondered for a moment why Mello was trying so hard when in my eyes the thought that I might just have to try and learn to live like this seemed like a possible option. Not my favorite one, but seriously possible.

With that thought in mind I tore my gaze away from the broken reflection of myself and went back into my room that was significantly colder than the temperature of the fogged-up bathroom had been.

I instantly found Mello, standing by the window with a bar of chocolate opened and pressed to his lips; he was looking out like the outside actually held his interest. I could see in his blue eyes that he was actually lost in thought. Though when he noticed my presence his gaze lifted to me.

"Better?" He asked.

I nodded and moved over to my bed, sitting down towards where he was still standing and looking down at the ground.

I heard Mello turn more towards me, "tell me what happened?" It was a request… not a demand as I figured he might make it.

I shook my head.

"Why not?"

"I can't." My voice trailed off at the end, I wasn't sure exactly why I couldn't tell him. I'd related a nightmare of an incident to him before, what was so difficult about telling something that'd just happened?

Perhaps that was just it, it was so recent that it still hurt to even think about. I was weak in that I couldn't push it all back in order to tell my defense and get it off of me.

"Near I'm trying to help you." He said.

"I know that." I stated.

"Then why can't you tell me?" There was a sudden frustration in his voice that made me cringe away. It'd been so long since I'd heard him talk that way to me and it hurt to even wonder why he would.

What had I done now?

"It's difficult…" I answered with my words trailing off. What I meant to say was that it hurt, and made me want to not exist anymore to have to admit it even happened one time. But to think that I'd let it happen more times then I'd cared to count… that left me feeling so much worse.

"If you just told me it'd get it off you and onto someone else. It'd help and you know it!"

I cringed again, this time sliding a bit back on the bed to put just that much more space between us. "Who said I wanted to put it on someone else?"

"You did when you told me about this in the first place!" He said louder.

He was right, I knew he was… but as I looked down at the floor I couldn't find the words to tell him that. I knew I was wrong and that it would be smart to just force myself to admit it all to him and tell him what he's requesting.

But the words were like poison every time. Besides, I didn't want to admit the fact that I'd let it happen. Mello had promised to protect me from him, but I'd given myself to L. How could that be forgiven?

I know I couldn't forgive myself.

I hadn't even realized that my eyes had slipped closed, or that as I thought about all the reasons why I was wrong wetness had begun to form on my downcast eyes; it was too late to fight back the tear that slipped from my eye and rolled down my cheek to fall to my lap.

My hands clenched as I felt another one slip from my eyes and make its way down. I wasn't sure if it was because my thoughts and emotions on the events that'd happened were suddenly catching up to me or because of what I'd done, or simply because my security was mad for reasons I didn't know, which meant I couldn't correct them.

He must have been watching me, for the moment the second and third tears slipped off my face to fall he came over to me.

He kneeled down so he was at my level and carefully his fingers took my chin and brought me to look at him.

"Near, what is it?" The annoyance and frustration had been dropped from his voice and was now replaced only with pure concern.

I fought every urge to cling onto him again, I didn't need him snapping into that frustration again. Instead I squeezed my eyes closed in a futile attempt to keep the tears back.

"This is my fault, and I despise seeing the effects that it's having." I stated.

Mello was quiet for a long minute; so long so that I finally let my eyes open and fall on him so I could read his emotions.

There was surprise in his blue orbs and they watched me with much interest, as if trying to look into me to find the reaction I wanted. I tried not to show it to him; I knew that wasn't what I needed.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, his hand moving to gently caress over my cheek.

I instantly pulled away from it. I didn't want to get any of the filth that was still on me on him as well.

His hands caught me and tired to direct my face to look back at him but I broke out of it again. "Near!" The frustration was back.

"Mello!" I couldn't help myself anymore. My own emotions were out of control within me and I didn't know how to control them. I was caught between wanting to blame Mello for letting that 'meeting' happen and wanting to just blame myself.

In a way it was both of our faults.

Him for filling me with a false hope.

And me for living off that false hope and for giving in like the doll L used me as.

I couldn't take this turmoil. I didn't know what to do with it or how to cope with it, and the only thing I could figure logical was to lash out at whoever else was to blame.

But I didn't want to do that. I'd rather take it all on myself. Mello tried so hard… it wasn't as much his fault as it was mine.

He looked surprised ever more so now at my sudden hard tone with him; I'm sure he was expecting it almost as much as I had been.

I memorized his look as he backed off from me for only a second before I leaned over to curl even more into a ball and let my white hair fall before me as much as it could. Even more tears broke out of my eyes and I had given up trying to control them.

"I'm sorry." I said in a broken voice that I didn't recognize as my own.

"Near…"

"I'm sorry that this is all my fault. I gave in to him and didn't fight at all… it's all my fault." The words brought more tears to my eyes which cascaded down my hot cheeks. I hated myself even more for saying the words.

All of a sudden the feeling of Mello's hands taking my face filled me and I was directed to look only at him as the tears spilled from my burning eyes. His own blue orbs were filled with so much concern and sympathy they didn't even feel like his anymore.

"Near listen to me," I tried to look away but his eyes kept bringing me back to him, "this isn't your fault. If you'd done anything against L he would've just made it even worse. Stop blaming yourself when you know there's little else you could have done."

"It's pointless for you to tell me not to blame myself when you know I'm going to. Besides," I finally tore my gaze away from him, "I'd rather not place much of the blame onto you."

He forced my eyes to meet his again, I cringed but he barely seemed to notice. "And what makes you think that I'm not _willing_ to take the blame for this one?"

I was silent.

He exhaled a heavy breath and I watched as his outward expression seemed to instantly calm down, "look you and I both know this is difficult. Especially now. I don't know what else to do, Near! But I know for certain that more than anything I can't stand to see you like this."

"That's ironic seeing as you used to love putting me in pain." I stated.

He gave a half-hearted chuckle, "I know." There was a moment of silence where he looked away in what I figured was an attempt to gather his thoughts. "I hate seeing you this broken when I've also seen how strong you can be, Near. Hearing what you say now and witnessing how completely broken down you are just…"

Mello's words were drawing me in and I felt entranced by them and at the same time compelled to listen on. "Just what?" I pushed.

"It just makes me want to convince you out of that. I want to make you better. I want to make you feel divine, and beautiful, and strong. I want to protect you like no one else can!"

I wasn't sure what he meant by any of that but the strong words sent a warm feeling through me that I'd never felt before. What was this feeling Mello was evoking from me?

I didn't have any words that could be considered appropriate for this moment, but at the same time I didn't want to let him stop. Strangely enough, I liked this feeling I was having and I wanted it to stay.

"What did you have in mind?" I let myself say, and then took note on how much it didn't sound like me.

His blue orbs moved away from me for a moment and I could feel the hesitance in his hands now. Slowly, I moved one of my hands that had been resting in my lap up to cover one of this own hands that held my face.

This brought his eyes back to me. Mello's eyes searched me again, in that way he used to do and just like always I wondered what it was he was looking for.

With a low sight, his hand moved to take mine and brought it to his locks of hair. Just by his actions I had a sudden feeling that I knew what he was thinking. My heart raced in my chest, pure nervousness pumped through its valves. But somehow I found the ability to push that away.

I knew this was different.

My fingers laced themselves in his hair as he moved closer to me, his other hand that had been holding my face moved closer to the back of my neck and brought my forward.

"I have something… but-."

"Mello." I cut him off, I didn't want to let his nervousness about not treating this gently enough affect whether or not he went through with it.

His eyes searched mine again before he sighed and brought us so we were even closer; I could just barely feel his warm breath against my skin.

And this time it already felt different, the feeling didn't make my skin crawl; nor did it make me want to fight or pull away. I felt… safe being held like this.

Finally he moved so close that I could feel the tip of his nose trail across my cheek while his lips followed along my jaw. "You sure?"

I just barely found the ability to nod. His close proximity seemed to drain me of all my sensible thoughts or feelings.

My answer must have been enough for him at that moment, for then his lips trailed up to me. He pulled back just enough to place a kiss on my forehead before then moving down and capturing my waiting lips with his own.

The kiss was nothing like any I had ever been forced into with L. There was no force behind it and was little more than our lips touching. I suppose he didn't want to push me and I was too nervous about being dragged back into my memories to kiss back.

But the feeling was there. The warmth that had consumed my body overflowed throughout me. I was numb, but this was certainly different. I wasn't causing myself to be numb, but instead almost felt like his actions were causing me to react as such.

If I had control over my actions I would have returned the kiss.

For after another moment he pulled away. My eyes, which were half-lidded but still partially opened, fully opened and I found I had been left breathless.

Mello was searching me for any kind of response now, he'd moved back away, probably in order to give me more space; this caused my hand to fall from his hair. But as I looked over him I knew that wasn't what I wanted.

I'd never felt the same feeling as that kiss had brought onto me before and I wanted it to stay around. I wanted Mello to stay close and keep that there; something said that so long as he did everything he had wanted to help me with would happen eventually.

So slowly my eyes trailed back to him with a hesitance I was sure he noticed. My hand that had remained in my lap moved up to my white locks and I began twirling the wet strands nervously.

"Mello…" my voice trailed off, but when he didn't say anything I knew I was forced to continue. "Would you find me disgusting if I asked you to do that again?"

The blonde grinned.

I watched as his hand reached up and gently dethatched mine from my hair and extended my arm out to him. "Of course not, Near."

His gentle fingers moved the fabric of my shirt up to the crook of my arm, exposing my forearm. Mello bent down and gently his lips pressed lightly against my wrist, right over the pulse-point.

He remained there, in that picturesque position with an angelic look on his face, for a moment that seemed to slip away too quickly when he pulled away.

Then he moved up to me again, this time his lips pressed to the skin near my ear, "close your eyes." He whispered to me.

My eyes fluttered closed and I waited; my attention on his hand that touched my neck while his thumb brushed lightly over the skin.

My breath faltered as his lips trailed the line of my jaw then quickly found my lips.

This time when our lips touch something sparked and I found the ability to press back into him. His hands gripped tighter to me and pushed back. I was more than willing to let him dominate but in the least he needed to know that I did want this and that I wasn't just letting him have his way.

I was nervous as all could be. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing and despite all the times I'd been forced into situations that were anywhere close to this situation I still didn't know what he wanted me to do.

Having free will in such an intimate place was a new concept to me.

I could feel Mello's dominance coming out in the force coming from his lips. There was still that warm feeling behind it but he was controlling the situation; probably because we both knew I was still so clueless.

But as I felt him move his hands up into my hair and his lips moved away from mine to trail down onto my neck I lost the ability to let my eyes slip open.

I was lost in the darkness that lurked behind my eyes and everything began to spin while my grasp on the reality that was kissing me slipped away.

As Mello's soft lips found the base of my neck I began to feel something different. The memories of everything that'd previously happened began to consume my every sight.

It no longer felt like Mello was the one nipping at my skin, but instead another pair of lips and teeth that were nowhere near as we welcomed. His hands that were lost in my hair weren't as soft as they had previously been. They felt thin and spidery.

I felt my breathing increase, my memories were coming back to me and taking over this new situation; trying to convince me into believing that _that_ was the reality instead of the sweet bliss I had previously felt.

But that wasn't right… it couldn't be… everything I had felt couldn't just be some sick thought!

In desperation my shaking hands slid up the body that was pressed on mine and found the soft locks I had been searching for. But that did nothing to relinquish me from the painful memories that were swelling before my eyes.

"Mello…" I tried, my voice beginning to shake.

He didn't stop, and if he made any movement or sound to show he'd acknowledged my words, I didn't notice it.

"Mello…"

Nothing.

"Mello!"

A/N: Yes… I did purposefully leave it there. So, what's going to happen? Will Mello take advantage of the place he's now got Near in? Or what's going to happen? Haha, ahh… that cliffhanger was definitely evil, wasn't it? Well… next chapter soon!

[1]: This probably doesn't make sense to anyone right now, but that question will make sense when the next story comes out. Just a hint to scenes that, of course, happened when Near wasn't around. Don't focus too much on it, it's not that big of a detail, really.

Please go vote in the poll on my profile! It will be closing after this story ends.

More reviews means quicker updates!

Please review!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	21. Trust

A/N: I'm going to tell people right now… I hate this chapter. The only reason it's going up is because I can't re-write this for the third time. I'll tell you all right now, I understand there's not really a sense of realism with this… or at least not as much as I meant there to be. I know that and I'm sorry. This is the best I could do… please don't complain about that in reviews…

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note

**Warning**: This is a lemon chapter, if you don't like it then don't read it. Don't review me telling me how stupid this chapter is because I tried to make it as seemingly possible as I could.

Chapter 21: Trust

"Mello!" I tried, now with my voice breaking in desperation. I needed to know that this was my blonde savior and no one else, but I couldn't seem to find the light back to reality.

That is, until Mello jolted back and moved away from me, "Near!" He paused, "I went too far." He looked back at me; I could see the apology in his eyes but I knew he would probably never put that to words.

I could barely think to respond as my mind was still coming back from the painful memories to reality.

Mello looked away, and expression of anger laced his eyes that seemed to be only aimed at himself. I wanted to relieve that and not let him get the wrong impression about those intimate actions.

Because the truth of the matter was that I actually did enjoy it. I wasn't sure why, or what had prompted that, but the feel of his lips melding perfectly with my own and being able to taste the slight flavor of chocolate from him was something I didn't want to let go now.

It was illogical to think that Mello was a drug, but as I continued to fall for all the different parts of him I was beginning to think differently.

"Why did you do that, Mello?" I asked out of curiosity. In my mind I was trying to find a way to entice him into giving me the same actions again; I hoped this question helped in the slightest.

I was never very good at physical action, or taking control of a situation that I did not understand fully, but I knew that when the times called for it I was good at manipulating the people around me to do as I wanted.

Mello knew this well. But considering that I have no other options, I wondered if he would bring notice to it if he saw through my plans.

The said blonde paused momentarily and he looked at me questioningly for only a moment. I watched his eyes twitch back and forth as he watched me; I knew he did this when he was waiting for an explanation. But I offered him none.

Finally he answered, "I've wanted to do that for a long time. Well… ever since this started and I saw the human side of you." He stated.

"I see." This time it was my turn to look away, I attributed this to being unsure of where to go with the conversation now.

I needed to keep control over this situation, but considering the end result would get me more physical contact I was still unsure of how to make our present state and that ending meet up.

"Memories?" Mello suddenly asked.

I simply nodded.

"Yeah… should've known…" he trailed off and his eyes diverted again.

I couldn't let him continue to think on the line he was, I had to get control back. "Mello… I would very much like for you to continue."

That got his attention, but again he was watching me with confusion and demanding an explanation. I'm sure I was being as confusing as ever to him and if I continued on this streak I had no doubt that I could frustrate him.

"Why?" He finally asked.

I didn't know how to explain it, so I simply let my instincts take over. My hand reached out and motioned for his hand that was laying close to his lap; he took notice and gave it to me with a slight hesitance.

His skin was warm and comforting, even to my finger's touch, but I tried to ignore that as I brought his hand up and laid his palm on my cheek. I closed my eyes as I did this.

"Do you realize, Mello, that you're the only one who could do this without me flinching away?" I asked. "Your actions make everything else a blur to me and even though I don't understand it, it's still nice."

"So?" He asked questioningly; I couldn't tell if he was trying to prod me for more or if he was speaking out of genuine curiosity.

"With this knowledge, I now have a theory…" I wasn't sure where to go from there.

My eyes slid open again to look at him and see his reaction. There was a light of realization in Mello's blue eyes that instantly told me he understood what I meant. I couldn't fight the light blush that I could feel rising to my cheeks.

"It's not that you want to forget," he said carefully, as if trying to understand what I had said and not make any mistakes, "you just want to cover it up."

I nodded lightly, "I understand that forgetting would be a near impossibility, but at the very least I would like to cover it up with better memories; I'm very sure this theory makes sense."

Mello continued to watch me, though at the same time it felt like he was looking, not at me, but at my theory that I'd so vaguely laid out before him.

Anything physical was a foreign concept, he knew that, but I'd tried to get my point out as best I could.

Then again… as I went back and began to look at what I'd said more in-depth, I could see how it wouldn't make much sense. Considering the circumstances… such a thing should be the farthest thing from what I desired.

But, strangely enough, it wasn't.

I wanted to be held impossibly close to the blonde. I wanted to feel his lips against mine, or on any part of my skin. I wanted to feel his hands caress any part of my skin they could get to. I wanted to really know that he cared. And, more than anything, I wanted to feel his lips kiss away my pain.

Despite how hard it was to believe, Mello had become a big part of my life now. He's my security, my defense, my home, and everything that I'm not.

When I considered this, it wasn't hard to understand why I still desired his touch so much.

"I see." He said with a small smirk that, even though it was barely visible, clearly showed he was using my previous words against me.

"Mello." I needed a better response than that.

The smirk on his face became more prominent, but even so he leaned up closer to me again and brought his other hand up to cradle my face more properly.

He leaned up and placed a kiss on my forehead before looking at me again, the softness that I'd seen before returned but was hidden deep within the eyes. If anyone who didn't know the blonde had seen him, they would have never been able to pick it out.

"I'm not going to do anything that brings back memories, Near." He told me.

As much as I wanted to tear my eyes away from his, I couldn't. "I'm confident that it won't this time." I told him. "And even if it does, the end result should still be better than my current state." I had plans of action already thought out, and if I needed to voice them to convince the stubborn blonde, I would.

He continued to watch me silently, his eyes searching mine. Finally though, after exhaling a heavy breath, he leaned in close to my ear.

"You sure?"

A shiver ran up my spine at the feeling of his breath on my skin, but somehow I found the ability to nod in response.

"Fine. If we both want that then who am I to say no? But, if you want me to stop at any time then say something."

Again I nodded, though I knew I had no intentions of stopping him no matter how much my many memories plagued me.

He moved forward and kissed my cheek once and then capturing my lips again. It took me a moment, since I was surprised by the tenderness of the touch, but finally I responded back to him; I let my fingers trail up his neck and into his golden locks.

He pulled back from me just far enough to let him speak, but his lips still partially touched me, "relax, okay?"

Again I nodded.

I felt one of his hands leave my face to trail down to my middle, where he put just a bit of pressure –it was a way of telling me to move without speaking.

I followed the action, sliding back and laying down at the head of my bed while he followed and crawled over me on all fours. He kissed me again for only a second before his lips trailed to my throat and down to my collar bone where he began sucking and nipping at the skin there.

A soft moan pressed out from between my lips as my head instinctively moved to give him more room.

This was already beginning to prove better than any 'meeting' before. Not only because it was consensual and Mello was treating me as if I were a porcelain doll –ready to break at any rough action. But also because I actually wanted this.

And with each of Mello's actions, and seeing the way I reacted to them, I was starting to think it was for more reasons than just to prove my theory correct.

I suddenly became aware again when I felt Mello's skilled fingers beginning to unbutton my shirt, and his expert lips were quickly following.

My fingers, that had been tangled in his blonde locks moved down to the material of his black shirt; I gripped on tightly as if trying to tell him to take it off too. But he didn't listen.

The cold air of my room hit my skin sending another shiver down my spine, but I barely noticed it when his hands began roaming over my abdomen and nears my sides while his lips trailed down my chest.

I let out small mewls as his tongue traced my skin.

I couldn't take this any longer; my fingers moved back to his hair and I gave a soft pull to bring him back up to me. But before he could even reach my lips I sat up to meet him halfway.

His light touch graced my skin once again as he pushed the white material of my open shirt off my shoulders before discarding it somewhere off the bed. My own hands tugged at the black material again.

This time he broke our connected lips in order to pull his shirt over his head and throw it to the side as well. He then caught my slightly parted lips with his own and took the open space as an okay to slip his tongue in.

I suppose I should have figured from the beginning that even his tongue and the inside of his mouth would taste like chocolate –but it still surprised me nonetheless when I tasted the sweet chocolate on him.

I was too high on euphoria to give it any further thought.

"Mm, Mello." I managed to get out when he separated back from me and directed me back to the mattress; all the while a deviant smirk present on his face.

From the light and the fire burning in his eyes I could easily read that he wanted this just as badly as I did, and even though I was confused about the reasons, something told me they were the same.

His tongue trailed down my body again, and dipped into my naval suggestively making me draw in a sharp breath.

But he paid that area no more attention and continued on down till he hit the waistline of my pants; only then did he look back at me; his handsome face asked a question that didn't need to be put into words.

I nodded shakily, ignoring my racing heart and my mind that wanted so badly to plague me with the awful visions of what had happened so many times and even so recently. I suppose it was trying to warn me that Mello was still human and was still capable of doing the same things L had.

I tried to push the fear that he would lose control out of my mind as his fingers slipped under the elastic band and slid my pants off me; leaving only my white boxers.

I suddenly felt self-conscious as his eyes roamed over me, observing every part of my being from the top to the bottom. I fought against the urge to curl up away from his fiery eyes.

But then, suddenly, he came back up to me and kissed my throat, a little below my jaw line. "You're cute, Near." He said, which surprised me. I hadn't expected something like that from him.

"Cute?" I asked.

"Of course," he kissed the spot again with the same amount of tenderness. "Would I lie to you?" I suppose he had heard the underlying doubt in my question.

I said nothing in response since I knew he wasn't expecting an answer, and after another few kisses to my throat he moved back down.

His hands moved to the white material that was still remaining but his eyes were trained on me –asking the deciding question.

I hesitated for only a minute before nodding to give him the okay.

He didn't need any more reason to hesitate I suppose, as then he proceeded to remove the last article of clothing I had on. My fingers clutched to sheets of the bed so hard that I could feel them beginning to shake.

Again his eyes searched me and again I felt the wave of self-consciousness wash over me. I wasn't sure why, if what the blonde saw before hadn't been enough to turn him off from me then I shouldn't guess that the remaining area would be either.

He lowered himself down closer to my half-erect member and let a breath of hot air escape from his lips onto the sensitive skin and instantly making me moan in delight.

This was so much different than I'd ever known before. I wanted Mello to go on. I wanted to feel his closeness even more, if that were even possible. I wanted all of him now.

Originally I had thought that there would be part of me that didn't want this, or for any of Mello's soft touches. But if there was that feeling now, it was drowned out by more desiring emotions that I'd never felt.

"Mello!" I complained when he continued with his gentle teasing.

He gave a small chuckle but then his lips parted and his tongue extended out, licking along the head of my member before trailing down the shaft.

The feeling alone sent waves of emotions through me that I didn't understand and left me moaning the blonde's name. I stared at the ceiling for a moment as he continued with his assault.

I had no regrets about letting Mello see what he wanted and let him know what kind of reactions he was getting out of me. In the midst of this being a way of helping me, I knew there was still that part of him, underneath it all, that held that bit of competition with me.

There was still a part of him that desired to have control of me, and wanted to see any kind of reaction out of me he could get.

And after all that he'd done for me over this time who was I to deny him this chance that he'd been fighting to achieve for so many years?

It seemed only right that I show him exactly what he was doing to me.

"Please…" I heard myself asking, though I was unsure of what it was I wanted.

Mello instantly reacted and I suddenly felt myself become enveloped by the warm, moist cavern that was his mouth. Just the initial feeling sent my head back, and cause a loud moan to escape my lips.

He seemed to enjoy this as I felt him grin, but his tongue was what caught the majority of my attention. He again ran it around the head and lick along the slit before treading down the shaft.

All the action brought me to full erect and I could feel myself getting close.

I bit my lip to stifle another moan, "Mello," I fought to speak understandably, "I'm going to…" I couldn't even finish the sentence.

But just then he removed himself from me making me groan in obvious displeasure. "Not yet." He said, his eyes meeting mine for another moment.

But then, as they locked more seriously I was able to read into what he was saying and what he was thinking. There was question again, but concern at the same time. He wanted to continue… I knew that much, and since I had these pieces I placed them all together to understand the question he was silently conveying to me.

I was hesitant, that much was sure from my racing heart and the way my fingers continued to shake despite their grip on the sheets. But finally I nodded. We both needed this in one way or another and for one or two reasons.

Mello then messed with the remaining clothes that he still had on –the black pants. I could only watch him remove them and then the black boxers that lay underneath. (This, however, did make me wonder if all he had in his closet was black clothing.)

Mello was beautiful; there was no doubt about that. Even though I was drawn to him for different reasons than the rest of the world, I could certainly understand now why the greater majority of the girls at Wammy's liked him.

Not only did he have physical beauty in his luminescent skin, deep yet bright blue eyes and perfect golden locks of hair, he also had a stunning personality, underneath the impulsive, brash and often times violent side, that could charm any girl.

He then moved up closer to me, just enough to detach one of my hands from the sheets and bring it to his lips. He gently kissed my knuckles while his blue eyes never left me.

"I'll go gentle, I promise." He told me in voice that was barely over a whisper.

"I know." I told him with another nodding of my head. And that was the truth, I did know. Mello had hardly ever lied to me before and I had no reason to doubt him now.

He pulled back and let go of my hand after placing another soft kiss on my knuckles, then brought his own fingers to his lips.

I watched him lick them with his tongue and took notice of a quality of beauty on him that I had never seen before. As he sat, fully exposed to me, coating his fingers in saliva and about to commence in an act of intimacy that was normally frowned upon by so many people, I noticed a light in him that I couldn't understand yet drew me to him so much more.

When he was thoroughly satisfied he drew back and looked at me again, as if expecting me to back out now. But I still had no will to.

I did, however, motion for him to come down closer to me; which he instantly complied to. I wrapped my arms around him and the tips of my fingers clung to his back so I would know it was him and that he was there.

We stared into each other's eyes for a long minute before I spoke, "please be gentle, Mello." I said, my voice near a plead.

"I already told you I would."

"Go slow…"

He nodded, "of course."

He then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me up so both of us were sitting, with me in his lap and my arms still wrapped around him. I had been in this situation enough times to know that this was just so he could get a better angle and, in the end, allow me more control.

"Ready?" He asked against me.

I buried my head into the crook of his neck and let my fingers clutch onto him tightly. This was the part I feared. I hated the initial penetration and feared the pain that always came with it.

But even so I nodded.

I felt Mello's finger enter into me and let out a gasp of pain. Normally, it wouldn't be so bad until later but after the previous actions earlier that day I'd been left damaged again; making it even worse.

My instincts took over and I bit onto the skin of Mello's neck as my eyes snapped closed; he stilled once the first digit was in to allow me to adjust. I took a couple of deep breaths and forced my eyes open again to nod him on.

Another digit was pushed in, and again I had to bite onto the area near his collar bone to muffle the cries of pain I wanted to let escape me. My fingers were digging into him as he began scissoring his own, and surprisingly I began to wonder if I was hurting him.

I guessed that the thoughts were an unconscious method taken by my mind to distract me.

But the feeling of lips at my neck is what stole away my entire attention. Mello was trying to distract me away from the pain he knew I was feeling. I wanted to thank him for this, but I couldn't find the words.

After the third finger had been inserted and I had become well adjusted to the feeling he removed them.

"Near." He said against me.

I released the grip my teeth had on him and moved to capture his lips. He kissed me back; there was a feeling behind it like he was still trying to comfort and distract me. I didn't mind.

I broke away and replaced myself back where I had been, with my head resting on his shoulders.

His hands firmly gripped my waist so he could control it, and ever so slowly he began to enter into me.

My fingers gripped him till I was sure my nails had broke the skin, or in the least left some marks. A cry of pain escaped my lips and instantly he paused the actions.

My breath was coming out in pants but I desperately tried to adjust quicker. The quicker I was used to this intrusion the quicker it would be made better and I could stop thinking that I'm going to get ripped apart again.

"Near?"

"Please go." I said against my better will. Mello would make it better… I had to know that somewhere.

And again he continued to push into me while I fought every urge to cry out in pain again. Sure, he could see the reactions he evoked from me, but he didn't need to see the pain it brought on. I bit my lip till I was sure there was blood and endured until finally he was completely inside me.

He brought me back and placed a single chaste kiss on my lips.

"It hurt." I said.

"I know," he said, "I'll make it better."

I nodded, trusting him to do just that.

Slowly and carefully Mello began to move, up and down movements that were still painful but I was beginning to adjust better. Each breath I took came out in hot pants against Mello's skin and as I felt myself adjusting I also felt the dissatisfaction –that this wasn't enough.

"Faster, Mello, please." I near pleaded and instantly I felt Mello comply; his speed increased as did the amount of pleasure.

It seemed as though each of my breaths came out as a soft moan, until suddenly Mello found the spot that made all of my pain disappear, the pleasure hit me in wave that was hot and fulfilling.

"Ah!" I moaned out loudly, my back arching into him, "do it again." I told him, feeling him watching me.

His grip on my hips tightened and he hit the spot again and again with impeccable precision. He had me moaning like a cheap whore and at the moment I didn't care about that at all.

Mello's hand then grasped onto my own weeping erection that was between us, making me moan just a bit louder at the sudden feeling. He pumped in perfect rhythm of his thrusts and the euphoria I felt was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I could feel myself getting close again.

"Ah, Mello…" My head fell back and my eyes slipped closed so I could only focus on the combined feeling of Mello inside me hitting that perfect spot and pumping me in synch with him, which sent another wave of pleasure up my middle.

"Close…" was the only audible word I could form, but I knew he understood.

With a rough movement I moved to take control and meet each of his thrusts when he moved up. I was so close and I desired release so badly.

I could hear Mello's moans over my own as well, the sound was amazing and held so many emotions that I had never heard from him before.

Then all of sudden a wave of pleasure that was hotter than anything I'd ever felt before ripped through my body and caused me to arch back and release another moan.

I came into Mello's hand and not long after I felt him come inside me.

I breathed hard, riding out my orgasm for as long as I could. Unlike all the other times with L, I didn't wish it away quicker, I wanted this one to stay with me as evidence that this act had happened and wasn't just a dream.

"God…" I said, trying to even my breathing out as Mello lifted me off him but pulled me close to his chest afterwards. "Oh God…" I couldn't stop the words from pouring out of my lips.

"Don't say that, Near." Mello said, his hot breaths that fell on the top of my head showed he was feeling the same thing I was. "I doubt he's too pleased with us right now."

I couldn't fight the small smile that crossed my face at his words. Always so clever.

Mello held me there, close to him for another minute before shifting and laying us both down on my bed and pulling the sheets over us. Outside it was growing darker by the minute and made sleeping look like an even better option.

"I have to go talk to Matt, Near." Mello said suddenly.

My instincts and desperation took over and I searched frantically for anything to hold on to in order to keep him here.

There was nothing, but still he hadn't moved so I gave up and instead let my eyes slip open to fall on his blue ones that were watching me. "Don't." I said.

"I told him I would."

"Talk to him tomorrow."

He sighed and I could see the fatigue on him in that moment. "Don't go." I told him, moving in closer to him and finding comfort in his warm chest.

"Near…"

"You know, my theory was right. I'm not recalling any memories or feeling any regret; and now I feel even safer with you near me." I told him, unsure of whether that would keep him with me but knowing it needed to be said.

"That's good." He said, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer to him.

I waited another minute in silence, but still he didn't move or make any move to do so in the coming moments. "Will you stay?" I asked.

"Yeah." He told me, placing a kiss against the top of my head.

I sighed in relief and let my eyes slip closed. "I don't understand what I'm feeling for you, Mello. It confuses me. Do you have any idea what it could be?"

He was quiet for a minute before finally answering, "I might, but it's only because I feel kind of the same way."

"What is it, Mello?"

Again he paused. "It's called love, Near."

My eyes snapped open and I stopped breathing for a second in shock. Love? Such a strong and rarely felt feeling as that?

"Are you saying you love me, Mello?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Can I love you back?" I asked, looking confused at him.

He grinned, the fatigue showing in his eyes even more. I needed to end this conversation quickly so he could sleep. "Of course you can." He tightened his embrace on me and kissed the top of my head again

I sighed, keeping to my silence. By the actions and failure to ask anything more I could tell he misunderstood the meaning of my question. I wasn't asking if I was allowed to love him back.

I was asking if it was possible for me to love him.

A/N: Okay so the last part was difficult and my beta says the last part concerning love was strange to read. But it will be explained more in the next chapter. Also, I'm pretty sure that the next chapter will be the last one.

**Don't forget to vote in the poll on my profile if you haven't already!**

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	22. Picturesque

A/N: So… this is the last chapter of Broken Pride, and I'm seriously probably going to be crying by the end of this. I have nothing more to say for this other than: to all of you who have stuck with this and who've reviewed (and even those who didn't), thank you all so much! You've all made this an amazing series and without your reviews and such I would not have been able to finish this. You've both given this story a full life and assured the fact that I will continue to write for this section!

The rest of my thanks will be at the bottom, I'm sure everyone just wants to see what happens and doesn't want to hear the author's crying session as she thanks people…

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, or any of the characters.

Chapter 22: Picturesque

The sleep that I fell into was dreamless, but there was a sense of peace around me. Unfortunately, even _this_ wasn't enough to keep me asleep all night.

I shot awake with a start, my eyes met the cold darkness of my room and I felt my heart racing in my chest. I didn't know why this was, as I couldn't recall seeing any of my normal nightmares.

Then my eyes found Mello, who was still lying where he had been before with his arms wrapped securely around me. I was fixated with the serene, content, look on his sleeping face.

His once piercing blue eyes were hidden behind lids of soft white skin; they hung so lightly that his eyelashes gently kissed the skin under his eyes. His perfect lips, that had both ravaged my body and placed sweet kisses upon me only a few hours ago, were slightly parted as a gentle breath passed through them.

He was at ease for once, and I adored seeing that.

I couldn't resist the urge that overtook me as I lifted myself up high enough to place a gentle kiss upon his lips.

Then I then rested myself down slipped back into his hold. I felt at home there, in his arms in a way that I'd never experienced anywhere else; the only thing that could have made this scene better would be if I knew I'd never have to move.

I fell asleep again with this thought in my mind and the combined melody of Mello's heartbeat and his gentle breathing in my ears.

-

When I awoke the next morning, I didn't want to get up, or even open my eyes for that matter. I'd slept better the rest of the night and didn't want that to end.

But then as I was sinking further into my consciousness I realized something –there was no longer anyone laying next to me.

My eyes snapped open just as my hand touched the now empty spot where Mello had once been laying only a few hours ago.

I sat up and searched around the room, but I found that it was empty.

My heart dropped as I wondered where he'd gone. 'Perhaps he went to go talk to Matt like he meant to do yesterday.' I told myself, and he thought comforted me a bit more than not knowing anything at all, but I still felt a bit empty without his presence there.

I tried to push the absurd thoughts out of my mind as I gathered myself up and went into the bathroom to take a shower.

The hot water felt good against my tense muscles; my fingers trailed up to the spots along my neck where Mello had purposefully left marks on me. I had seen in the mirror before stepping into the shower that they were a dull pink color with spots of red mixed into them; they stood out well against my impeccably white skin.

But I didn't mind having them there.

After all, they felt a lot better to wear than any mark L had ever left on me; and just the thought of that made me cringe.

I bent my head further under the hot spray from the shower head and forced those thoughts out of my head to instead think over what'd happened last night –the conversation, more specifically.

Mello had said that what I felt was love and the he also felt that strong emotion for me.

But what bothered me as odd was the question of whether I could really fall for the blonde and not even know it.

If this was so, it made sense that I found the most comfort with him. I had even willingly participated in the most intimate action with him.

But I was damaged, we both knew that, so could this really be love and not just my desperate longing for his protection? And how was I to be sure he was serious about having the same feelings? He may just be pitying me and telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

My eyes slipped closed as my hand found its way to the water knob and turned it off.

This entire thing was difficult for me to comprehend, and at the same time I knew I couldn't just ask Mello about it. It was complicated enough for me to understand without having to try and explain it to him.

Once I'd dried myself off enough, I slipped into a clean pair of my white pajamas then went back into my cold and empty room.

With nothing to do, I laid back down on my bed and wished for sleep to take me again even though I knew it would never be the same without Mello there next to me.

However, I was just beginning to fall into a light sleep when the sound of something pushing against my door reached my ears.

My grey eyes slipped open and I looked over at the door, wondering if perhaps I'd misheard, or it was my imagination.

But then, a moment later, the same sound reached my ears; that was enough for me. I got up from my bed and went over to pull the door open.

And there, standing in the hall was Mello, holding two navy blue bowls in his hands; I assumed the sound I'd heard was him trying to open the door without the use of his hands.

He gave a small grin as I let him in, "So you are up."

"Only for a little bit." I closed the door again before following him over to where he'd seated himself on the side of the bed.

"Here." He handed me one of the blue bowls; inside it was cereal –I couldn't fight the light smile that crossed my face. I knew better now than to fight against this.

"Thank you." I said gratefully as I sat down next to him and began to eat small bits of it at a time.

After a few minutes I took notice to the odd silence that had filled the room, my eyes trailed over to Mello. His eyes were gazing down at his own bowl, while his fingers pushed the spoon around in the milk. He looked like he was somewhere else entirely instead of here with me.

"What's on your mind, Mello? You look distracted." I asked and instantly his attention was brought back from wherever it had been, to this room.

He gave me one of those charming smiles that normally works on all the girls, but It didn't meet his eyes today –which spiked my wonder even more. Mello was always good at faking contentment even if he was in turmoil on the inside. But now, it was as if he was barely trying.

"It's nothing," he told me, "Don't worry about it."

I didn't want to let it go that easily; I needed a new approach to get the information I wanted out of him. "Did you talk to Matt?" I asked.

"Yeah." He said, giving me a suspicious look.

"How did that go?"

He grinned at me and leaned forward, his hand reached around to the back of my neck and directed me in to a soft kiss –I tried not to melt into it as much as I knew I wanted to.

His soft lips alone were enough to destroy any composure I had.

He then pulled back enough to look me in the eyes, "you're not getting it out of me that easily, Near." He placed a kiss on my forehead before pulling back again and letting go of me. "Eat your cereal, you're going to need it for today."

With an internal sigh, knowing that there was something going on with him and yet I couldn't get it out of him, I tried to let it go for the moment. Instead I tried to play along with his diversion, the change of topic.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because, we're going to go for a walk outside today." He told me.

"Mello, even you admitted that I'm not suited for the winter outdoors."

He scowled at me before turning back to his uneaten cereal, "Well you're going to have to be today, because we're going on this walk whether you want to or not."

I watched him for another long minute, trying to understand the looks that were drilled into his face. But he was starting to hide them again, which made it even more difficult.

"What brought this up?" I asked.

"Do I have to have a reason?" He asked back as he finally brought a spoon full of the cereal up to his lips and ate it.

I shook my head and looked down again. My attention, as well as my wonder, had been spiked and I desired very much to know what awaited us on this walk now.

-

After we'd both eaten we went down to the first floor. It was still early in the morning and not too many other children were up at this time. I supposed this was how Mello wanted it –so he could sneak us out easier.

He disposed of the bowls in the kitchen as I waited in the entry way –busying myself with pulling on the light, white jacket I had and a pair of shoes that I disliked wearing but knew I had to in order to walk out in the snow.

Mello returned and put on his own winter-protection clothes without looking at me. I watched his actions quietly, trying to analyze them in the hopes of understanding what it was that had brought this about.

But the actions here no different than normal, and offered me nothing.

Finally his eyes locked with mine as his hand grasped the handle of the door, "Come on." A small smile grew across his face.

I exhaled a breath as he opened the door to let the cold in. I still didn't favor the idea of treading out into the winter weather, but if he wanted to then I'd follow.

It was a particularly nice day out and I wondered for a moment if this was why Mello had initiated this walk, because it wasn't often that the sky was a crisp blue and that there was little wind to drop the temperature even more.

I followed him down the steps and across the yard of Wammy's; it was when we started into one of the forests that surrounded the house that I finally asked, "Where are we going?"

"You'll see." He told me.

I tried to curl further into myself as a light breeze blew across me and causing my body to shiver even more. I disliked this cold weather at this moment, but there was little I could do about it.

All of a sudden I felt skin press lightly against mine. I looked down to where I felt it only to find Mello's fingers intertwined with mine; a warmth from his hand began to radiate into me.

I looked up at him, but he didn't meet my gaze.

I tightened my grasp over his hand just a bit more as I looked forward again; suddenly this didn't seem so bad. So long as Mello was here, hand holding mine as if silently telling me with his actions that he knew what he was doing, I was fine with wherever we went.

-

It was about ten minutes later when we reemerged from the forest to the bank of a small stream that still flowed even through the cold weather. Down away from us a couple of feet was a small bench; Mello led us over to it.

"Sit down." He told me.

I dusted off the snow that'd been laying on the wood before sitting; he soon followed. "You wanted to bring me _here_?" I asked, looking at his diverted eyes that were watching the water flow by. This just didn't seem like him.

"Yeah." He finally said. "I've always liked it here. It's nice, and for a while I could always come here and forget the rest of the world." His eyes met me again, "Mainly, I used to come out here when you'd score higher on tests, than me. This place usually calmed me down a lot."

I listened to his every word, and when he went silent, I let him. The silence fitted this space much more than talking did.

He was right, the scene, with the crystal blue water in the stream that made small trickling noises as the water hit the rocks, and the silent trees overtop of us, made the entire place picturesque and had an oddly calming effect.

I tried to let all of my thoughts slip away from me, as I could bet Mello was trying to do too. All of the pain, and self-loathing that I'd harbored seemed to slip away from me like water through my fingers. I was left with nothing but the cold around me and a calm feeling within my body.

This was how I liked it; this is how I felt it should be.

Without thinking, I moved closer to Mello until our sides touched, and I let my head rest against him as my eyes slipped shut; I doubt he minded at all.

I felt his eyes drift down from the scene onto me; I wondered what he was thinking about.

All of a sudden, though, his arms wrapped securely around me and he moved me so that I was sitting, facing him, in his lap; our chests touched and our breathing seemed to meld into one simultaneous action.

I could hear his heart beat in my ears. It was the proof that he was still here, with me, and that he wasn't going anywhere.

"Mello." I finally began, feeling a twinge of sadness at having to break the immaculate silence that'd surrounded us. "I have a question."

He was leaning down into my hair and I could feel the light, but warm, breath from his nose hit my skin. "Hm?" He asked.

"Last night… I asked you if I could love you… but I have reason to believe that you misunderstood my question."

He was silent as he waited for me to continue.

"What I meant was: is it _possible_ for me to love you?"

I needed to know… I needed to hear his logical thoughts that, for once, outshined mine because he wasn't dealing with the same inner turmoil that was distorting all my thoughts and desires.

"I think it is." He told me.

"But why?"

"Because," he started, "I think that because what happened to you wasn't within your control, that you can still come back and find that ability to love despite your damaged trust and everything else you suffer from, as side effects."

His words were like healing medicine to me. I liked hearing his hopes for me. For one reason or another it made everything he said sound possible and achievable.

"Then… I don't love you now… but I could gain the ability to over time." I supposed.

"Yeah, something like that."

I paused just long enough to place a kiss over his heart, "I would like to fall in love with you, Mello."

I felt him smile against me, then his hand reached up and gently took my face and led me up to meet his eyes. He placed a soft kiss on my lips before speaking again, "that sounds better. And I think that what little patience I have can go to waiting for you to be that okay again."

"Will you still tell me that you love me?" I asked, feeling odd about the question, but his growing smile that followed said that it was alright.

"Anytime you want."

"Tell me now."

He kissed me, then drew back enough for a small space between us but I could just barely feel his lips touch mine when the cold, that I'm sure was starting to get to him as it was me, made Mello shiver. "I love you." He whispered to me.

I pushed our lips together once more before separating and letting my head rest against his chest once more. My arms slid under his jacket and held his warm body closer to me.

Neither of us said anything anymore. There was a time for words, and there was a time for silence; and silence was definitely what the scene called for at this moment.

We didn't need words to make things right; it was simply understood and showed in our actions more than anything else.

Mello was here with me… and would be for a long time, that I was sure about, and that is what I wanted. His arms were my home and nothing came close to the feeling of being held so close, and lovingly, by him.

The rest of the world seemed to fall away as we continued to sit there. As far as I knew, we were the last two people on the Earth; part of me even wished that was so.

As we continued to sit there in the same place for quite some time I knew that here, with him, there was no competition, there was no L, there was no anything. It was just the two of us and the picturesque area that made the scene perfect.

I was unsure of how long we stayed in that place, but finally Mello began moving and I gave him a confused look as his hands moved my arms from around his waist to around his neck instead. "Come on," he said and a moment later he scooped me up into his arms like I weighed nothing at all.

I didn't resist, though I felt that I could have stayed in that spot with him for centuries.

I held him closer to me, knowing that I was genuinely safe in his arms now, as he began to walk back in the general direction of the orphanage.

Back to our life. Our façades. And back to our shared reality.

_The End_

A/N: Ah! So I don't know what I think about that ending. I mean, on one end it was good and turned out like I want. But on the other I think it should have been cuter. Anyway, yeah… this is the last chapter and I'm so sad about it! But fear not! For there is a re-write coming!

I'm thinking of calling the re-write: Kiss Away the Pain. More than likely I'll put a poll up about it.

Also, on the subject of the re-write: don't expect it to come out within the next couple of days. After writing this 22 chapter story and balancing all the other ones, this author needs a bit of a vacation from this. No worries, cause I'll still be working on it during that time though. I'd say it should be out within the next month.

**Anyway, on to the thanks list!**

Thank you to all of the people who've stuck by this story and who have read it from chapter one all the way to chapter 22 and reviewed it all. You've all made this story great and I owe it's success all to you! Your reviews, and even people who just favorite and such, are what keep me going.

To my beta, Insanitoon: Thank you so much for your help in earlier chapters, and I'm so glad you offered me all those ideas in the beginning or else these later chapters wouldn't have happened. Thanks for betaing all my stuff no matter what it is. I love the way you edit and I love being able to ask you about anything! None of my words will ever be able to express the amount of thanks I have to you.

To Famirka: You're one of a kind, missy, you're the first person in all of my four years on here who's actually wanted to marry one of my stories! Or… who did marry it I should say! Anyway, thanks for all your advice and your great reviews.

To my Mello: A thanks goes to you too. You've saved me from many days of torturous writer's-block and I owe you a lot for sharing the wonderful world of RP with me again XD. I love you and your perfect Mello personality! Thanks again.

To everyone else: I've said it before but I never get tired of it: I love you all, and I thank you all so much for every single word of your reviews that you've sent me! You're comments and praise and what not mean so much to me and I hope it all continues in the re-write!

So, signing off for the last time on this part of the story…

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	23. Note

Alright everyone, well _Broken Pride_ is offically done, we're all aware of that now.

But I am here to inform you that the re-write to it, _Kiss Away The Pain_, is now out! I apologize for not putting this up before but somehow it slipped my mind! So... the first three chapters of that are now up!

This note is just for those of you who have this story on alert and haven't noticed that the re-write is out. Heh, that happened with someone and when they said they didn't realize it was out I decided to post this.

So, apparently there is a new rule that says you can't _just_ post Author's Notes, and since I don't fully understand that rule and partly to make sure this isn't JUST a A/N so I can abide by it, here's a preview of _Kiss Away The Pain_ The first chapter:

-

I waited by the window in the common room for the remainder of the day, I was anxious to figure this out by drilling it out of Near. But, at the same time, I desperately tried to keep the wonder of what he would say off my mind, knowing that it would drive me insane if I continued thinking about it. I knew that Near was smart enough to probably see what I was doing, and at that point he would attempt to change the conversation, or find any other way out of it. I couldn't let him do that.

I pulled out an unopened chocolate bar from my pocket and snapped off a piece, letting it melt on my tongue. The sweet taste that came with chocolate seemed to be the only thing that would hold my sanity at this moment.

But then, right as I was beginning to give up on this, as my patience wore thin, the familiar lights of Wammy's car began driving up the path towards the building.

I moved away from the window instantly, my heart beginning to race in my chest as I quickly went over my plan and tried to hold it firm in my mind. If I didn't I know it well, and keep to it, then Near would find a way to break it all down without me even noticing.

I waited in the entry way, snapping off yet another piece of chocolate.

I heard the car door shut, and knew he was coming.

The door opened a small bit, and when I saw the white cloth of Near's clothes, followed by his being, I didn't give him the time of day to notice me before I pounced.

-

So, if you haven't already, go read the re-write, and don't forget to leave a review!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	24. Sequel Announcement (finally!)

Hello everyone~

So, I know it's been a very long time since anything has been done with this story (Or Kiss Away the Pain) but, I did promise you guys a sequel, and since the ending of this story people have been asking me, "When's the sequel coming out?!" And my answer has always been, "I don't know."

Honestly I felt as though I'd trailed so far from good characterizations in this that I honestly didn't even want to take on the task of trying to write and figure out a sequel (though at the time I had one in mind).

But, now, after 4 years long of a wait (Wow… I can't believe I let that go on so long… I can't believe someone didn't go, "dude, it's been X years. Get your shit together!") I'm starting to work on the sequel.

By, "work on the sequel" what I mean is I'm re-listening to playlists I use to help me make characterizations and thinking what I could possibly do to make a sequel.

SO! Things are in the works!

What I need from all of YOU! (If you still even care about this series, that is…)

**PLEASE**, go to my profile, and vote on the poll that's there, regarding the POV you want the sequel to be told from. (Like it says there, regardless of what you pick, there'd probably be an alternative story done later. Kind of like KATP was.) If you don't have an account, feel free to just review your answer to this chapter and I'll put it with the other results.

Also! If you have any thoughts on what should be added into the sequel, either PM them to me,** OR**, I really need a muse for the sequel… I need someone who has some ideas, who can help bounce them off of me, and who can help flush this sequel out. So, if you think you're up for the job, send me either a review on this, or a PM letting me know! Any help you can give would be delightful!

Thanks for waiting so long, if you still care about this story at all.

And thanks for voting.

-Forbiddensoul562


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